Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Tueday night was the “world premier” of The Singing Bee where “You don’t have to sing it well . . . you just have to sing it right!”

My overall impression was mediocre but the cheese factor was off the chain. I’ll definitely leave it in the queue and give it another look next week.

The show opened with a large woman in a canary yellow suit singing I'm So Excited while host
Joey Fatone jogged through the audience carrying a microphone. Everyone in the audience was on their feet, clapping, and singing like they were alone in a convertible zipping down the freeway. Joey would randomly shove the mike into an audience member's face when the singer stopped. If the chosen one completed the lyrics correctly, he or she qualified to be one of the six contestants needed for the show. It was all so boisterous that I can't remember if anyone failed.

In Round 1, each of the six had to again correctly complete the lyrics when the singer stopped. BTW, the singer changed almost every song. I think they should offer these positions to the American Idol rejects. Just imagine it . . . the contestants are all anxious about winning the "big money", just oh-so keyed up about the possibilities, and then they see that William Hung is going to give them their lead-in. Yup, much better show.

At any rate, this was all well and good until none of the contestants could finish a line out of Bananarama’s Venus thereby subjecting us to the same line, done poorly, four times. Other songs included Three Dog Night's Joy to the World, Hall and Oats' Maneater, and REM's Losing My Virginity Religion, but the best was when the last contestant took it to church at the end of Michael Sembello's Maniac. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it three times with my own ears.

In Round 2, two of the four remaining contestants are pitted against each other in a sing-off (they do this twice, math weirdos.) Each one takes turns finishing the lyrics and whoever fails first is out. They are given the lyrics on a prompter, which seems like cheating until it's revealed that the lyrics are . . . wait for it . . . scrambled! I have little karaoke experience (you should thank me) so I'm assuming that this makes it more confusing or difficult or something. I don't know. I guess I'm still not sure I understand this round.

So, they get it down to two. The virginal final contestants. In this round they each have to sing the an entire chorus by themselves. The first guy, George, flawlessly belted Smashmouth's Allstar.

Then it was Gussy's turn. His ethnicity would not typically be a relevant topic here but it's important to note that Gussy was black only because the song he was given was Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. Are you freaking kidding me? The black guy drew a Southern Rock Anthem in the final round?!? (Capitalization was necessary, yes.) The best part? He totally nailed it. His only mistake was adding, "Well," at the beginning of the very last line.

As such, George was crowned Singing Bee Champion (the first!) but it wasn't over yet. You get your money's worth out of this half hour of television. All George had won up to this point was the opportunity to play for cash prizes. He still had to finish 5 of 7 songs. He earned $5,000 for each one he got right. If he missed, he got a strike. We all know what happens when you amass three strikes.

So, first song? Strike. Couldn't Walk Like an Egytpian. He got the next three in a row right. Although after the fourth song, Paula Abdul's Cold Hearted, I wondered if he was still "winning." I mean, yeah, dude's got $15k but he just revealed to his buddies that he knows the words to a Paula Abdul song well enough to win money. I don't have a "manhood" but I like to think that if I did, it would be worth more than $15,000.

Can't remember what George does in real life, but Tuesday night he won himself $50,000. Congrats, George!

Updated to add: I almost forgot my favorite part! The Honey Bees! Buzz-tastic! Using dancing girls in gameshows is the best invention since the wheel.