Everything I Like Causes Cancer

To the tractor trailer operator who I cut off yesterday:

I am so sorry. I did not intend to cut you off and then slow down. My uncle is a TTO so I am sensitive to the problems y’all encounter with us “four wheelers.” I swear that if I had known the gal in the next lane over was going to stop, thereby preventing me from continuing to merge, I wouldn’t have moved into your lane at all.

But your neo-Nazi passenger who flipped me off with the white-hot fury of a thousand suns? He can eat shit and die. Please let him know he looks utterly ridiculous and I hope his face freezes like that.

To Terry and Nigel, the AT&T support technicians who figured out why my laptop was not connecting to the wireless network and then made it happen Tim Gunn style:

Thank you so much for your competent and lively assistance. You are both princes among men. I enjoyed your southern gentility and our conversations about pets and motor vehicle accidents. I also appreciated that you both speak English as a first language. Be sure to send me that survey as I am dying to tell your superiors how great you were.