Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Ten years ago I was a lean, mean fitness machine. I was a size 2 and on a good day I ran a nine-minute mile. I was trying to get a job with the FBI as an agent (me? with a badge and a gun? yes!) and was training to pass the next round of testing: the physical tests. I loved it. I loved feeling strong and powerful and being lean but I ended up shredding the cartilage in my right knee and finding out I had arthritis, the kind you're not supposed to get until you're well past 60. I let it get the best of me, physically and emotionally, and stopped working out altogether about a year later.


I spent the next ten years on the couch eating chips and gaining weight. The change was never drastic or egregious so I told myself I'd do something about it when it was time. It must be time because something snapped in my head over Labor Day weekend. I wish I could bottle and sell the drive I'm feeling right now because I could make a fortune, get liposuction and get back to my TV shows.


Knowing that was unlikely, I marched my happy bootilicious ass to the YMCA on Tuesday after the holiday and renewed my membership. So far I've walked four miles on my own one night and have been to a yoga class, a water class and a spinning class. And I was even out of town for two days!

So far the only downside is that I'm pretty sure the mid-60s water class instructor has a crush on me. She constantly stared at my boobs in class (Hello! I can SEE you!) and spent an extra 30 minutes with me after class explaining that her class might not be strenuous enough for me but that I should come back but also do all these other exercises on my own. She even got my phone number out of my file and called me under the guise of checking on me. I knew meeting someone was a possible added bonus of membership but this is not what I was hoping for. I switched classes and will be keeping my eye on that one.

24 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Glad you are watching out for that other one, she sounds a tad stalker-ish!

Rutkap said...

Sounds like you have a stalker! That is really creepy. If I did that at Ballys they would perp walk me out into a squad car.

Did you survive the day after spinning? Don't worry your butt will get used to the seat - don't go and buy one of those jelly seats - they don't work...

Mr. Condescending said...

Just buy the gazelle thing from that guy on TV!

Chaka said...

It sounds like she is living up to the stereotype of the junior high school PE teacher who makes the girls uncomfortable. Congrats on all the exercising efforts!

Eva Gallant said...

Could you send a little of that motivation and drive my way. I am so seriously out of shape!

Lola Lakely said...

Well, was she at least a hot 60? Like maybe a Helen Mirren? Cause that could be flattering.

But it's still creepy. Run!

Cowguy said...

Good luck with the spinning!

*wtf is spinning?*

Jay Ferris said...

Maybe take her over to the steam room and see if it smooths her out a little.

mo.stoneskin said...

Was the water class all about pouring glasses of water while nekked? I'm pretty good at that, crumbs, I'm probably fitter than I thought.

words...words...words... said...

Kick ass! Keep it up, girlie. We can have a mutual motivation society.

Hunter said...

You mean "Running From the Creepy Water Class Instructor" isn't an actual class?

Sounds like it would be motivating.

Cora said...

She swiped your phone number and called you after staring at your boobs all day?! Yeeaaaahhhhh, I'd say you have an admirer, Gwen.

Who can blame her though?! You're magnetically gorgeous and your boobs are a hoot to honk. That girl has great taste if you ask me.

;-)

As for the motivation to workout, embrace that baby and go with it! Did I ever tell you I once weighed about 70 pounds more than I do now? Yep. One day motivation knocked on my door and we became best friends and the rest is history.

Scope said...

Maybe she a certified "Muff Diving" instructor, and wants you to join the class.

Jon said...

So wait... can ALL women tell when you're staring at their boobs? Or was that part of your FBI training? (My question is purely hypothetical, of course...)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh, wait, so you don't have a badge and a gun? Man, and here I was all hot and bothered for a moment.

Son of a Thomas said...

#1 Congrats on the motivation.

#2 Flick a booger at her. That should stop further advances.

#3 I'm not sure how I feel about this. You may be screwing up my "boots" fantasy and we can't have that can we?

Scope said...

Maybe "the Walleye" has her confused and "TIT-ELATED"?

Dr Zibbs said...

FBI? I want to hear more about that!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Hahahha Cowguy....he's so......rural! Congrats on getting back to the gym! Sorry for the stalker teacher!

- Jennifer

Whiskeymarie said...

Fuck. Now I have to start working out again to, don't I? I can't have my trophy blog wife leaving me for a better model.
Damn you and your motivation.

Soda and Candy said...

Septuagenarian sapphic stalkers, oh my!!

; )

ttmac said...

Did one of her eyes go wonky, then you know for sure she was staring at your tits!
Totally reminds me of my field hockey coach from high school!

Some Guy said...

I don't know, Gwen. I wouldn't be so quick to write this woman off. Love works in mysterious ways you know.

~E said...

You and I will become workout buddies...

And we can update each other on results...

And send each other pictures...

And motivate each other with back rubs and vodkas...

And then Ill get your phone number out of your file and call you under the guise of checkin on you...

...But...Im only in my 20's so I can't quite project the elderly lesbian creepy vibe like your water teacher. Is that ok? ;)

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