Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!



I don't intend to keep going on about the sudden popularity of this blog (tres gauche!), but before all this new attention EILCC was just a place where I posted the things that ran through my head for the entertainment of a group of friends, people who had been here a long time. My audience was familiar, like family.

But now? Now I feel like I accidentally ripped a loud fart in the middle of a fancy party during an unexpectedly quiet moment and suddenly every pair of eyes in the room is locked on me. No, worse - like I farted in the middle of a fancy party, the room went dark, a spotlight lit up over my head, and THEN everyone in the room turned to look right at me. I can't decide whether to giggle hysterically or to panic and blame it on the dog.

Excited, I've spent a lot of time thinking about all of you new people: who you are, what you're like, what you like to do, whether or not the carpet matches the drapes. In fact, I daydreamed about you so much that, without intending to, I crafted a list of statistics about you:
  • As I wrote this, 75 of you were having sex. (High five! after you've washed your hands.)
  • It's even possible that 2 of you were doing it with each other. (It could happen.)
  • 21% of you ride scooters for fun on the weekends. (Helmets, please.)
  • 16% of you are not wearing pants.
  • 4 of you still drink Tang.
  • Of the16% of you not wearing pants, 2% of you are touching yourself inappropriately. (Stop it. You can wait until you've finished reading this post.)
  • 3% of that 2% you are going to want to tell me you really were touching yourself. (Don't.)
  • 100% of me wants to switch the topic.
  • 12% of you are eating some sort of whole grain cereal for dinner. (That's not enough for dinner. Eat a piece of fruit. Monkeys like bananas.)
  • 56% of you like hats.
  • 89% of you also write a blog.
  • One of you is a secret mime and spends too much time thinking about how to use keyboard symbols to make a box in the comments.
  • 3% of you are seriously into Heavy Metal. (\m/)
  • One of you has man hands and keeps Asian teens in your basement. (You know who you are. I miss you.)
  • Three of you attend a monthly LARP event.
  • 30 of you don't like me anymore.
  • 7 of you are using a keyboard missing its "S" key.
  • 63% of you dance it out in the dining room when you have the house to yourself.
  • 24 of you read romance novels but don't admit it.
  • Everybody likes sammiches!
If these stats are accurate, it would surprise the crap outta me I don't think I have any reason to fret: you newbies are really nice, and the alumni are just as weird as you are.


Choirchick22 said...

Woah! Haha I'm new and woulnd't you know it my "S" key is in the process of falling off my lappy?
I'm glad your blog was recommended because it really is fun to read!

Kristen said...

Unfortunatley for me, I wasn't having sex, it's not Saturday, silly. I do not own a scooter but have strong opinions about helmuts - see my blog. My favorite dinner is Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries and no they don't pay me - yet. I blog, dance, like heavy metal, love sammiches and just put down a novel with a guy on the cover who closely resembles The Situation, but with longer hair. Nice to meet you!

Scope said...

I would think that 100% of the people reading the blog while having sex were touching themselves inappropriately.

Or deserve to be touched inappropriately ||_| for reading blogs while in coitus.

No comment on which of your two followers might be doing it with eachother. :-P

Steel Magnolia said...

My S key is intact, but my N key is worn out from inappropriate touching whle eating oatmeal (no fruit) at my desk night after night. Sex? Yes, please. Cheers!

cupcakelady said...

This is awesome, kept me reading. And I do like hats lol

Simple Dude said...

By my calculations and your numbers, there are at least 7 of 'us' currently having sex WITH our pants on. Yes I am aware 7 is not an even number.

Wow - you have some talented followers!


Eva Gallant said...

Enjoy the notoriety, and try not to fart!

Adam said...

Hahaha I was laughing the entire time I read this! Thanks for the entertainment and keep up the good work!

Jennifer said...

lol, i wonder how accurate all that is

Shannon said...

I like hats.
I also write a blog.
I am sorta into heavy metal.
and i Love sammiches!

This was a cute post. I'm new to reading your blog but keep blogging about whatever you want! Write to please yourself, not other people.

fatima said...

well,i think i must say that none of ur guesses r right 4 me.bad luck, i had hoped atleast one would come right 4 me.nopes.lets see next time;what do u say 2 that??honestly that is the truth.

karensomethingorother said...

Sex??? Pfft...I'm married with kids. Unscrambling word jumbles is the new sex.

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

Not only am I a secret mime, I am stuck in my invisible box because it has a secret entrance that I can't see.

Andrea said...

I'm totally a dancing in the living room sort of person!

wenstumped said...

Awesome stats! I'm one of the newbies in the room but I must have had my earphones in when you let it rip. You were pointed out to me by someone else (even freakier??). You got me on 2 counts like most of everyone else...I write a blog and I loves me sandwiches!!!
Love your blog! ;D

Patty K Mooney said...

Blame it on the dog. (Also a great name for a band.)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Red Nomad OZ said...

HHHMMMmmm... any stats on readers fitting multiple categories?? Is it possible there's a reader somewhere who fits ALL categories?!?! What are the odds??

Happy travels!!

jacksofbuxton said...

Mrs Jack and I have been married a fair while now,so sex is an unknown thing.We use a tv in the bedroom as a form of contraception.

Sye said...

This post makes me feel like I've just walked into a busy party and everyones just stopped talking, and looking awkwardly at eachother, thinking quickly of a subject to jump to as casually as possible.

I love it.

Kim Ayres said...

Congrats on getting a Blogs of Note recommendation - i got one last year and the traffic gets a bit wild for a while.

Eventually it all calms down again. If you want, check out my post The Fleeting Fickleness of Fame. But in the meantime, do allow yourself a *smug* moment :)

Catherine Mackie said...

Your blog made me laugh... By the way I sometimes still drink Tang. This should be a book, not a blog!! You now have another ardent follower.

otherworldlyone said...

That's quite an interesting list of stats, Gwen. :)

I'll keep my mouth closed about the majority of them, but I will say that I'm of the 63% that dance it out in the dining room when no one is home.....sometimes while touching my self.

How you doin'?

Bryan said...

16 & 2 here!

Son of a Thomas said...

Isn't number 1 and number 5 basically the same thing?

The leader of this three ringed circus said...

Since when does drinking tang equate to having sex?

britni @ Antika Moda said...

I just found your blog and I LOVE it!!!!! You were cracking me up :) I'm your newest follower!!

The Movie and Music Review said...

Love your Blog and I am not one of the 30 that don't like you anymore!



The Movie and Music Reviewer

hello haha narf said...

i clicked on the link, you asshole...

Cora said...

Oh, hey! Looky here! My wv captcha is "stopedie"


Do I wanna know what Edie is doing that she shouldn't? Really? Do I?



Do tell.


Roxanne said...

I just happened to be eating some multi-grain cereal as I was reading. I was, however, not eating it for dinner. It's my breakfast.

And I do like the sammiches.

Son of a Thomas said...

@ The Leader of This Three Ringed Circus. It's a pun. "Having some tang", "Getting some tang". Am I alone on this?

Jamie Council said...

Ahhh, so close, but yet...umm, maybe not so much. Single moms really don't have time or energy for anything involving sex-very unfortunatly. At this point I have to follow you because I have far too little sarcasm in my life and even few people to get it.

Thanks for the laughs, but I'll reemmber from now on to only red it when I'm not drinking coffee. My 2 year old is kinda pissed I used her wubby to wipe down the computer. Ooops. :)

Kenny Peterson said...

Im new at this but I find your blog very entertaining!!!

Nari said...

Funny and Entertaining!

Don't fret over us (the newbies), blogs should be for the fulfillment and sharing of oneself within the sheltering arms of the blogosphere.

Pretty good, huh? I'm just coming off a nap! (BTW - I'm at work right now)

Sass said...

Scope just did the shocker. ||_|

Love it.

I'm touching my Tang in appropriately, sans pants, thinking about my scooter, and am regretting my whole grain cereal from last night.

It's like you're in my brain...


kenny8blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Personally, i joined because i think the name of your blog is phenominal. I'm in school to become a Pathologist, and well... you're right. EVERYTHING you know and love will lead to your eventual distruction. (whoot!) If you hadn't taken this name, i would have.
In fact, my real motive is to watch and wait, and eventually take over your blog and make it my own. Buhahhahaha!
But for now... keep writing.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm ready to admit it, I'm one of the 24...and there is no carpet. : P

The Voice of Reason said...

Great blog...check mine out at www.anotherdayanotherwhat.blogspot.com

_Amina M said...

Oh yeah! I dance in the dining room, I blog, I LOVE sammiches, etc and etc. I'm glad blogger referred me to you cuz you make me LMAO!!! :)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I was planning to write a clever little pip and let you know how I'm slightly jealous of all youre new friends, but then Anonymous scared the poop out of me a little. Or scared a little poop out of me - whatever.

Inspire Me said...

Sammiches and blogging? You got me there, you must be some kind of psychic /cliche

Mommy Lisa said...

WOW. I better get busy and become a statistic. (\m/)

Scott Lancaster said...

I enjoy cheese sandwiches on wholemeal bread. Boring, but tasty.

I am of the 89% who also blog, so if anyone is a bit keen on video gaming, head over to www.canuckistan.org (I bought the url, as I kept on forgetting the blogspot address).

It must be a strange thing to have the spotlight on you, with everyones expectations now...

kippyskippy said...

You just cracked me up!

I'm a new reader, I ride a Vespa on the weekends, and I do love me some sammiches!!!

Carry on!

Ophelia Keith said...

It's funny that you call your blog Everything I Like Causes Cancer because I wrote a post on one of my blogs about humans reaching biological immortality which would require removing telomeres at the end of our DNA so that cells would divide indefinitely and never age. A biologist friend of mine called me immediately and informed me that that would cause said ever-dividing cells to eventually become cancerous, which would end up killing us anyway.

So there you have it. Even immortality causes cancer.

Richard said...

Damn, I wasn't one of the 75 having sex.

Eljay said...

I like the way you roll! Keep it up! (as a side note, my 15 year old would be mortified to know that I just used the phrase, "I like the way you roll," in a public forum because apparently that's no longer used amongst the elite, but, hey...that's how I roll)

Brooke Farmer said...

*No sex in 3 months. On a break. It's fuckin' rough.
*Um, no sex in 3 MONTHS! It's killin me! Don't rub it in.
*Never been on a scooter. But flew off the back of a motorcycle once. Into a car. After walking away with nothing but cuts and bruises on my arm everyone at the bar bought me so many "Really? Holy Shit!" drinks that I forgot where I lived.
*No tang.
*Not this time, but totally plausible!
*I probably would tell you if I had been. Despite your plea not to. I apologize in advance for my potentially inappropriate behavior.
*That's cool. Switch the subject. I don't HAVE TO talk about touching myself.
*I actually did eat cereal for dinner. It's so easy. I couldn't resist,
*I like hats, but not on me. I always look funny in hats.
*Of course I have a blog. This was a gimme. 89% of people who regularly read blogs also have a blog.
*I'm definitely not the mime, but I have full confidence in your ability to determine whether or not one of your readers is and I am sure you're correct.
*Not since high school.
*Nope and nope.
*I did go to ONE LARP event ONE time. It was over a decade ago. I can't be held responsible
*Just now realized that I am actually in love with you. I am considering stalking you, actually. Will you be my friend?
*All of the keys on my laptop work fine. But my vintage typewriter is missing the apostrophe key.
*Allergic to bread. Thanks for rubbing it in. If I wasn't allergic to bread maybe I would have had that for dinner instead of cereal.

kika said...

hahaha awesome! really enjoyed it, keep goin' :D
I'm one of the new ones :P

strivingservant said...

funny! I enjoyed reading this post. I just happened to browse your blog and I guess I am lucky enough. Godspeed =)

photogrrl said...

I swear to god you're psychic. I am of the paltry 3% that loves heavy metal...and I looked down in time to see that the "S" on my keyboard is losing its upper curve...hehe...

Found you randomly through blogger. Will be back for more. You made me smile, which really helped today.

iNdi@na said...

blog and hats yes
forget the rest

Anonymous said...

You amuse me very much!! You remind me of, well, me.

I wish I was having sex. I love scooters haven't gone on one for a while. I am wearing pants. No Tang for me. It's breakfast, not dinner, and I'm eating poptarts. Later, I shall eat a bagel. I adore hats I have an amazing white fedora. Of course I write a blog come check me out haha elvenhippiechick.blogspot.com :D
It would be so cool to be a mime heavy metal is okay. I'm so glad not to have man hands but I wish I had some Asians in my basement. I don't attend monthly LARP events. I think you are interesting. My S key is obviously here. I love dancing randomly but I do that when people are around too. Sure I read romance novels upon occasion. AND OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIKE SAMMICHES I will have a ham and cheese one for lunch.

Amaranthine said...

I write a blog. That's about it.


I think ALL of us here write a blog though.

common man said...

ha..ha..ha.You are exactly right my friend. This is a common man's story.

Lorraine said...

...I'm going to two larp events this month, and I usually go to one per month (bar down season). Here's your larper!

MrandMissConverted said...

Love it! :D
Like your writing style. Had stumpled upon your blog to get information about cancer (given what I blog about - taking Naturopathic Control at home.

Very very funny ... but, in some cases, accurate stats.
- So I wasn't having sex but might have been thinking about it. So I might qualify since, as someone else commented, your stats suggest that some of us were having sex with our pants on. :D
- I dance in the living room
- also write a blog
- how did you know about whole grain cereal dinners?

1300 numbers said...

Haha, very funny post. A++

Cheap Furniture Glendale said...

I wish that I was part of that 21% who rode scooters this weekend.