Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Exactly thirty-nine years ago today I was born. For those of you who love precision, the big event occurred at 2:19 p.m. I’m not bothered by my age, I feel 25 and I’m the happiest me I’ve ever been. I don’t claim to have all the answers, it’s the wise man who knows that he knows nothing, but I have a much better sense of who I am, what I want, and what I’m worth than I ever have. I am centered and focused and happy.

Part of being older and wiser is that you are constantly learning and realizing new things. Just last night, in fact, I learned that I need to take better care of my basement hole. Yes, my basement hole. You know, the hole outside the door of a walk-out basement? One of these:

Understand I have a monster oak tree in each of the yards that border mine. These two trees produce a gargantuan amount of leaves. As it turns out, I didn’t clean the leaves out of the basement hole last fall. I meant to do it. I thought about it many times. But I am inherently lazy and never did it. Subsequently, about ten inches of leaves had accumulated in the hole.

Add to that an incredibly wet spring and you've got a huge, gross mess that clogs the drain and causes water to run under the door and into the basement. I noticed it Saturday and figured it was from the mondo storm we had Friday night and that it would soon dry up. Unfortunately, the floor was still wet when I got home from my parents’ Sunday night and it was too late to clean it out. I had to do it last night after work.

It was super gross and hot and there were spiders and swarms of mosquitoes. The bottom-most part of the pile was wet, and actually composting.

There was about an inch of fertile, yet useless, compost under there. "Useless" because there’s also about an inch of paint chips from when I prepped the deck for painting last fall and I am certain the chips are lead paint. And as my mother once said to a six year old girl to whom she had just gifted a lead glass piece, “Lead will make you stupid.”

So today, my friends, I actually am both older and wiser. Unless the lead paint chips got to me.

Now, if you can't fight the urge to make fun of my advancing age, feel free use some of these, or make up your own.

About Me, 31-40: The 39th Birthday Edition

31. The floor lamp in my bedroom is on a clapper.
32. I like to take baths with lavender epsom salts.
33. My favorite flower is the peony.
34. I always wear my seatbelt.
35. I am a chronic listmaker.
36. I have 14 rosebushes in my garden.
37. I keep sunblock and a sweater in my convertible, just in case.
38. There are three different hand lotions in my purse and one hand sanitizer.
39. This is how many years I am old!!!
40. For about two years now I've been telling people I am 40 because I just want it over and done.

ABOUT ME 21-30

1. I was adopted by my step-dad when I was in 5th grade.
2. I refuse to see the movie Titanic.
3. My favorite Food Network star is Alton Brown.
4. I once streaked from my dorm to Hi-Fashion Beauty College and back, which is about five blocks one way.
5. My earlobes are detached.
6. I once threw my own surprise birthday party.
7. I miss Arrested Development. And Joan of Arcadia.
8. If I could be anything I wanted, I would be an entertainer.
9. My house is an Arts and Crafts bungalow.
10. As a kid I had a Fat Albert lunch box.

1. I've had cocktails with the Queen of a Gay Rodeo.


2. I've locked myself out of my house, my garage, AND my car a collective six times in 2007. Three of those were in one week's time.


3. I know someone who appeared on Martha Stewart's TV show as a guest.


4. My house is so freaking clean that cat-allergic people can stay overnight without incident. (This is a direct quote from a close friend.)


5. I have one brother, but we could not be more different and are not close.


6. I received my undergraduate degree from MacMurray Colllege in Journalism and English with an Art minor.


7. I've been to Ireland. I recommend it.


8. The country club where I held my wedding reception was spacious enough to host two simultaneous events. While attending my own (formal) reception, I crashed the other reception and got on her video.


9. I was born in Carbondale, IL.


10. I once dressed as a dominatrix for Halloween. I borrowed the outfit from a friend who worked as an "exotic dancer" and I still didn't win the Sexiest Costume prize.

I've been trying to do one of those "100 Things About Me" lists. I see The List on almost every other blog I read and I like to be introspective, so why not?

Because it's hard, that's why. I currently have about 35. A hundred is a lot. I wasn't going to publish until I had it done, but I'm afraid that if I don't publish what I have and get the ball rolling, I won't finish.

So here's the first ten:

1. I'm a procrastinator and come up with creative ways to make myself get things done.
2. I live in St. Louis, Missouri.
3. I don’t choose political sides, but my positions on particular issues are predominantly liberal.
4. I don’t have any children.
5. I am a voracious reader.
6. I’ve been married.
7. My biggest pet peeve is when people get into the elevator car without letting me off first.
8. It takes a long time to get close to me but once you are, I am fiercely loyal.
9. I need a new roof on my garage.
10. Bo Fung, the best Chinese take-out in the world, delivers to my house.

There you have it, the first ten things about me. I tried to pick a nice mix of things boring and less boring. Now that you know me a little better, wanna make out?