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Check out the bottom (pun not intended but left it because it should have been) ad over there on the right-hand side of this snapshot of my Facebook profile from yesterday. It reads, "Top 3 Cleanses Reviewed."
Underneath the colorful picture of the intestines it reads, "I reviewed the top colon cleanse brands. Don't get ripped off like I did."
This stupefied me. How does one even know what the top three brands are? Who gives this much of a shit about their shit? Curious, I googled "colon cleanse" and then spent the afternoon simultaneously giggling and throwing up in my mouth a little over what I found.
First off, there is a brand called Colonblow. I shit you not. They even have a mascot dubbed Poop Coach who is pictured with a whistle in his mouth. I don't know about you, but I like peace and quiet for my constitutionals, not some guy lording over me telling me I need to practice if I want to be a winner and blowing a whistle in my face when I stop pushing to read a little.
Number two (god, I kill me), here's how they describe your Colonblow-inspired offal:
"You will be surprised, if not mortified, when you see what your body may rid itself of. This is where you have to insert your own humor, laugh a little. I strongly encourage you to examine your own stool, you will have many opportunities, trust me. Most folks have described the final stage waste as 'rope-like'. Yep, that's right. When you see this type of waste, success!"
I'm sorry, but if something rope-like came out of my ass I'd be tempted to hang myself with it. Or at least reconsider eating rope for it's beneficial fiber content.
And, OH MY GOD, last but not least, they actually posted pictures of someone's results with this commentary:
"Notice the density and texture. This nicely signifies the elimination of long-term waste. There were four previous releases making up about three-plus pounds of waste. Nearly two feet of 'rope'. This is the good stuff. FYI... it didn't fall apart when extracted from the commode."
"Notice the density and texture. This nicely signifies the elimination of long-term waste. There were four previous releases making up about three-plus pounds of waste. Nearly two feet of 'rope'. This is the good stuff. FYI... it didn't fall apart when extracted from the commode."
