Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Me: When did you realize you liked to cook? What made you love it?

WWW: I honestly don’t remember. I don’t think there was a light bulb moment. I guess after I moved away from home and started to cook for myself, I realized that it can be a creative outlet. When you look at it like that instead of just as a chore to feed yourself, it leads you all kinds of interesting places.

What would you write on your sign if you were homeless?

“I know where you live. Yes, you.”

If you had the chance to spend one more day with someone who has died, who would it be and what would you do?

I would spend it with my grandfather, because he died well before I was born and I’m named after him. I’m not sure what we’d do, I’d just want to get to know the kind of guy he was.

If you were to buy me a present today, what would you buy me?

An hour of network time for you to host a variety show.

What makes you smile instantly?

Making someone laugh. When I can tell that someone is happy to see me. When I can tell someone has enjoyed food I made. When I see my nephew.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

You know, I tried to think of a funny answer for this, because I want my funeral to be funny, not sad. But I got nothing. So I’m going to be maudlin. I really like the song “Walk On” by U2 for this. It’s not about death at all, but it sounds like it is to me.

What have you loaned to someone that you never got back? Who did you loan it to? Why do you think you never got it back?

You know, the only time I can remember this happening is in 7^th grade when I lent Tammy Doyle my Eagles Greatest Hits cassette. Bitch still has it. Cause she’s a bitch. She can keep it though, because as an adult I have come to realize that the Eagles suck.

Name five things you are immensely grateful for.

1. I’m healthy.
2. I had the best parents in history.
3. Re #2, if I ever get married, I also have the best example of a great marriage.
4. I have a brain. I don’t have much else, so it has carried me through.
5. I had the good fortune to be born in a place and time where my problems are more “This traffic sucks” than “I wish I had something to eat this month”.

I suppose you could call it either. I’d call it the hard sell.

Do you dog-ear the pages of your books to mark your place?

Yes. I have no regard for books as aesthetic objects. I always buy paperbacks, and I don’t mind abusing them.

What would you name a pet rock?

Gwen. Or Stony Danza.

Are you taller than your refrigerator?

I’m not sure, it’s pretty close. I’m definitely wider.

What are you hiding in that box in your closet?

Your mom.

What’s your special purpose?

I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that. I think that our talents and personalities can direct us to an ideal niche in life, but I haven’t found that yet.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxer briefs.

Wanna make out?

Yes, but you must promise not to fall in love with me. /Latin accent.

I wish I could express how I felt when he said his gift to me would be an hour of network time to host a variety show. Are you fucking (network) kidding me? Come on! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love costumes and being silly and entertaining. It was the most "excited" I'd ever been in public over something that didn't actually happen.

Want more? Check out his interview with Kimizzy here and with Southern Belle here. I heard he talks about what he likes in a woman . . .