Everything I Like Causes Cancer

I’m bitchy in traffic. I’m not aggressive but I am really mouthy. I call people names, I cuss, I’m snide, I’m super sarcastic. Some people do yoga, I do mild road rage. Unfortunately, I also drive a convertible. And I’m egocentric enough that I forget everyone else can hear me.

So, the other day I pull up to a typically funky St. Louis intersection. There are two lanes that spread into three right at the intersection – there is very little lead-in to the left hand turn lane. So there’s this guy directly ahead of me in his Audi blah-blah (the sarcasm is jealousy) and he has PLENTY of room to move up into the left-hand turn lane but he’s clearly nervous about getting too close to any other cars (He might scratch the baby!) so he stops right in front of me such that I can’t get around him to get into the middle (and straight-through) lane. This intersection is controlled by a typically quick St. Louis stoplight – if you’re not one of the first three in line, you might as well settle in and think about how much you love me because you’re waiting for the entire light sequence again . . . and maybe again. So, of course I was all uptight about him moving his ass so I could get as close to the car ahead of me as possible. You know, maximize the potential that I get through in one light sequence.

Well, apparently the guy in the van sitting to my right witnessed my spastic little fit in its entirety. He saw the expressions disbelief and dismay. He saw hand gestures (not naughty ones – just throwing up my hands a little.) And then he heard me say, “Dude. Seriously? You’ve got plenty of room.”

Almost simultaneously I felt him watching me. I slowly turned my head and he is laughing his ass off. He leans out his window and yells, “Here! Take my card! That was awesome!” He floated a card down into my car and drove off chuckling.

At the next light I pulled the parking break and searched around the car for the card. Turns out he’s an “Independent Marketing Representative.” I can’t decide if he was impressed with the theatrics or if he’s really hoping I’ll call because polishing my image would take so much time that he can finally buy that boat.