Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

8/08/2010

Does anyone have drums? I need a roll.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,

A thin pocketbook and temperatures surpassing a blistering 100 degrees recently gave me way too much time to sit and stew about my life and how I got "here" and how it isn't at all what I had planned or expected and how I desperately needed a haircut.

So, on Friday afternoon, about two hours before I was scheduled for said haircut, I decided to make a change, to do something unexpected and bold, something a little crazy. While the cliché remedies for a mid-life crisis are sports cars and affairs, I already drive a sports car and I have no one to cheat on, so I got a different kind of wild hair up my ass - a pink one:


I called my stylist, told her what I wanted to do and BAM! by eight o'clock that night my hair had been cut and my bangs had been pinked. And I gotta tell ya, I feel much better. I've got my sass back, my edge, my joie de vivre, if you will. I don't care if it's too hot to go outside, I've got pink hair, suckas.

comments (19)

5/02/2010

A Life in Pictures and Bullets

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

Two weeks.


It's been two weeks since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry.

Wait, wait, wait . . . that's not what I'm trying to say. Those aren't even the right lyrics to the song. I got distracted again.


My point was this: I have yet again abandoned this site for real living. Not reporting on living but actually doing it. A lot of it. So much living, in fact, that I'm reduced to summing it up in pictures and bullets . . .
  • I saw the play Outlying Islands with our Culture Club (a.k.a. my bestie Leslie). It was okay. Heavy on metaphor with an odd ending we've not been able to understand since viewing it. That said, I'm glad we were adventurous and saw something that doesn't often make the St. Louis theater circuit, like say A Doll's House or The Importance of Being Ernest.

  • I toured the first Frank Lloyd Wright house built in Missouri with ttmac and The Carpenter. My favorite period in American history and my favorite style of architecture is Arts and Crafts. I love the aesthetic, I love the philosophy and, as such, I love Frank Lloyd Wright. Yes, he was difficult. Yes, he was foolish with money and women. But damn that man knew how to design amazingly beautiful structures. The house we saw is a Usonian built for a local man and his wife. There are only TWO right angles in the entire house! Wright designed the house using only equilateral parallelograms and hexagons, EVEN IN THE DRAWERS:
And the furniture:

The guest bed.

The dining/living area.

All of the 60/120 degree angles throughout the house give it a sense of motion, almost like you're on a ship:

All of the interior lines continue to the exterior, AND THEY ALL LINE UP.

I could go on for days about this house. This topic probably should have been its own post but who knows when I'll be back here. Just one more picture, because I was mesmerized by this roof line:

Do you see how far that sharp, sharp roof line juts out, creating the sense of motion?
Take a closer look: THERE ARE NO EXTERNAL SUPPORTS! None. It's all done with framing. FLW tickles my brain.
  • I visited my High School Bestie and her two boys, went to my first estate auction, and had coffee with cows:
  • I was awed by sunsets like this:
  • I made sure to look up when I took walks:
NO Ball Playing IN THIS . . . tree?
  • I played with my food:
You gonna eat that pickle?
  • I built a Kat Phort and filled it with catnip:
NO GIRLZ!
  • I had a night out on the town with the girls that, for a couple days, made me regret nights out on the town with the girls:
  • I witnessed a turtle orgy:

    • Brown chicken, brown turtle.
    • And I gardened. Oh boy, have I done some gardening. Since we last discussed the garden I've re-vamped almost every inch of it. I installed new solar lights along the walk, I thinned and transplanted hostas to create the border of the new bed, I moved almost every plant that already existed, I gave away a bunch of plants and added some new (more interesting) plants, I rearranged the patio furniture, I tended the seedlings . . .

      This is what success looks like.
      . . . I started potting the containers . . .
    Oooooh! Pretty!
    This is what "welcome to my home" looks like.

    . . . and I added some new architectural features like this one:

    Now I just need to find some whimsical fairy statues to sprinkle around the beds. More shopping! Yay!

    And finally . . . it's been about a month since I published the "Early Spring" photo overview of the garden so let's do our first comparison:

    April 6, 2010

    May 1, 2010
    This is what progress looks like.

    One more week and the whole place is going to EXPLODE in blooms. You should come over. We'll make a fire in the fire pit and talk about how awesome I am at creating beautiful spaces. Fine. We can talk about you, too. Sheesh.

    comments (14)

    5/05/2009

    iViva la Mexican hijinx!

    Posted by Gwen | Labels:

    My camera decided to act like a douchebag at the Derby party on Saturday (it's working fine now, thank you) and my friend Leslie's camera batteries were dead so she let me use her camera with my battery (both Sony.)


    Anyway, I forgot to give her camera back at the end of the night and accidentally downloaded her vacation pictures when I downloaded the Derby pictures.  Since they vacationed in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico I decided to use her vacation pictures for today's Cinco de Mayo post.  Let's just see what those crazy kids did while they were down there in swine flu country . . . . 

    Oooooh!  Big Tony!

    Oooooh!  Pretty!


    Oooooh!  Sammy!

    Oooooh!  St. Louis!

    I am returning her camera when I see her tonight for a Cinco de Mayo cocktail and left a surprise or two on it.

    Oooooh!  My cat's junk!

    Oooooh!  My junk!
    (it's really my elbow but she won't know that)

    The moral of this story is that you should never leave me alone with your camera.  Happy Cinco de Mayo, monadas!

    comments (23)

    3/10/2009

    Monkey business makes the day shorter.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels:

    The other day I was sitting at my desk at the office, quietly toiling for The Man, when a guy came banging and clanging through the back door, pushing a huge cage.  I calmly turned to him and said, "Oh, good!  They finally approved the cage for my monkey."  He laughed and carried on with his business.


    A couple minutes later he came back by and asked, "You're not really keeping a monkey back here, are you?"  I grinned and replied, "Not as far as you know."

    I can't wait until he comes back to pick up the cage.

    comments (22)

    1/21/2009

    Confessions

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

    Alright, I've been called out.  My friend John, who bore witness to and participated in Saturday's overindulgence, left this comment on my Facebook page today: As much as I would like a slap on the ass, I'm a little disappointed in you! No commentary on your world-class bender on your blog?? The public deserves to know. :)

    I take pride in operating transparently here.  I would love to tell you all about it.  But the funny thing about a World Class Bender is that you are supposed to forget parts - if not all - of what you did and what happened.  If we didn't forget, people would never go on them.  Duh.

    That said, he's right, I should tell you what I do remember:

    11:30 AM:  I arrive at Curtain Skirt and order a Bloody Mary.  I eat one small cracker with some cheese.

    12:15 - 12:30 PM:  I order my first highball of the day.

    2:30 PM:  John, who came to town to visit a very lovely girl, arrives at Curtain Skirt with said girl.  Let's call her Becky because that's her name.  Introductions are made and we all have one more drink "for the ditch."  (It's a joke; we did not drive drunk.)

    3 PM:  The Curtain Skirt gals leave to go home, change into sweats, eat pizza and watch movies.  John and Becky and I go to another bar/restaurant.  I was at a crossroads here but didn't think twice about turning my back on You'll Feel So Much Better Tomorrow Lane and skipping down the road to Twisted Town.  Well, I skipped until I fell down anyway, but that came much later.  I think.

    Thereafter:  Ask John and Becky.  I know what we did but specifics are fuzzy.  When I called John on Sunday afternoon to see if I needed to apologize he told me that I did actually order food at the restaurant but didn't eat it because I was too busy chatting up the person at the table next to us.  I've deduced that person gave me this which I found in my purse on Sunday:

    8:35 PM:  Drunk dialed Johnny B.   A vague recollection of this was confirmed by checking the dialed calls on my phone.  I have to say:  just one drunk dial?  And to him?  At 8:30?  Pfffft!  Whatevs.  Not offensive.  Moving on.

    Sometime after that:  I went to bed.  John and Becky were still here waiting for the cab to pick them up to take them back to her house but I was again at a crossroads:  lay down on the floor or excuse myself and go upstairs.  I chose wisely this time.  I remember turning out all the lights as they sat there but John told me later that I said it was "to aid with their making out."  So considerate, I am.

    As with any big day/night out like that, I misplaced a few things - my sunglasses and dignity - but I also gained a few things - a scrape/bruise combo on my left elbow, a rocks glass, my name in calligraphy on a napkin, and this story for my blog.  Totally worth it.

    Special thanks go out to John and Becky for fueling and surviving WCB 2009, to Mel-O for teaching me what a banana bag is so I could obsess about needing one, to Peabody for bringing me soup and a biscuit on Sunday because I couldn't keep anything down, and to Leslie for feeding me a cheeseburger and taking me to get my car on Monday.  You're an excellent WCB pit crew.

    comments (21)

    1/19/2009

    The Audacity of an Obama Nation

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,


    Here it is, kids:  my Curtain Skirt costume in it's finished state.  I still can't believe I made it, and out of a sheet no less.  I think I may take a sewing class and see if I can't make something else, like pajamas.

    Curtain Skirt was a blast, as always, and we collected A LOT of canned goods.  All of the pictures are over there on the right in the sidebar but you can get to a slide show much easier if you click HERE.

    I did not win any prizes for my costume.  Another friend commented last week that I was setting myself up for having to be this creative every time but what she didn't know is how high the bar is set.  I actually think I didn't win because by the time we paraded and awarded prizes I was too drunk to dance the Charleston and really, what good is a flapper who can't dance the Charleston?

    comments (26)

    1/12/2009

    Sew far, sew good.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

    Lookit! I made a dress! And I did it all by myself using only my pea-sized brain!

    Making this slightly-lopsided and way-to-big-at-the-waist dress, a.k.a. a palette for embellishments, was no small feat and took me two days to complete. The first one I cut was way too small. I was able to get it on but had about 23,000 pins sticking into my sides. I had to take the pins out to get it off. Thankfully I had anticipated this sort of set-back and saved a big piece of the sheet.

    I used the first draft to sketch the second, adding 2.5 inches to the sides for good measure, and everything was sailing along, easy peasy. I had everything sewn except one side. Then the machine broke. Within the first five stitches the whole thing locked up with a "clunk!" and I couldn't get the needle to move. I ended up using tin snips to break the needle in order to unbind everything. I put everything back to rights, according to the book, and within the next five stitches the same thing happened. I ended up bending every machine needle I had in my kit before I gave up.

    According to the repair shop it was risky to sew material with a frayed edge (like a sheet) without trimming or finishing it first. It seems so obvious now. I ended up using seam tape to finish the dress because my machine may not be fixed by Saturday morning. Remind me to wear something under it in case that seam gives.

    All in all, it was quite the learning experience. There's one daunting task left before I get to hot-glue the embellishments (the FUN! part) and I still haven't figured it out but I'm sure I can. I mean, c'mon! I've gotten pretty far with only these notes, jotted on the sheet before I started cutting:

    comments (17)

    1/05/2009

    Chute! Why didn't I do this sooner?

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

    When I was moving in here, getting things put away and settled, I noticed a laundry chute in the bathroom.  I thought it was cool and got excited to use it.  Until I started thinking, however, about not actually being able to see down in the hole, and about not knowing with certainty what had and had not been tossed down there (severed limbs), and also about how it seemed like a place that spiders might like a lot.  And it skeeved me out so bad that I never thought about it again.

    Since that time I've aged another 5 years - big ones, years that make a difference physically - and hauling heavy, awkward baskets of laundry down two flights of stairs while maneuvering two narrow landings is starting to kill me and my arthritic knees.

    While I was cleaning the bathroom last week I noticed the little door again.  The laundry basket was right there, under the counter and overflowing, so I grabbed whatever was on top and chucked it in the hole.  (That's what she said.)

    I'm happy to report there weren't any spiders and that the laundry eventually flies out of this little chute in the ceiling of the basement and onto the floor, conveniently less than 20 feet from the washer.

    Taking my laundry revolution one step further last week, I set up a card table by the dryer in the hope that I will actually fold my clothes in 2009.  There's no sense in dreaming unless it's big.  (She also said that.)

    comments (29)

    11/19/2008

    It's all fun and games until the martians can't get in.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,

    Some time ago I told you about my office fish that died. That fish was named after a co-worker who has since moved up and on but who was a great practical joker. He used to come in early and steal the handsets to our phones and hide them in the library. More than once he went into an office and turned all the furniture upside down.

    For a while he and I had a battle royale going on. I once tricked him into eating a vomit flavored Bertie Botts Every Flavor Bean. I knew he'd be wise to me so I just casually popped by his office with a handful of jelly beans. I set them on his desk and offered to share. He was leery and refused to eat one until I did so I ate the two I knew were cherry flavored. No matter what he chose it was going to be gross as I had purposefully brought grass, dirt and vomit.

    But the best prank ever pulled in our office was this:

    100_2236

    I wasn't involved in the planning of this but once I saw it I quickly became a part of the execution.

    100_2240

    The poor guy on the receiving end of this was relatively new - I think he'd been with us a year.

    100_2238

    Poor chum was traveling when we did this to him.

    100_2242

    This took A LOT of aluminum foil.  And made one hell of a foil ball when disassembled . . . think play toy for Sasquatch.

    comments (25)

    11/07/2008

    It's just a wafer thin mint.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,


    Just when you think you've had all the candy you can shove into your pie hole (candy hole?) in one week, along comes one last delectable treat you just can't resist.  This week that treat is Candy's Daily Dandy Comment Content Comedy Hall of Fame.

    (Say that five times fast and I'll kiss a pig.)



    In honor of the crack-like nature of comments, Candy selflessly set aside her porcelain doll collection for the weekend and devoted herself to collecting THE BEST COMMENTS WRITTEN EVER.  EV-ER.  Inspired, right?  So pop over there this weekend and tell Miss Candy all about the best comment you've ever read.  You know, the one that made you pee a little as coffee came out your nose while you were rolling on the floor laughing your ass off.  Yeah, that one.

    It sounds like a whole hell of a lot of work to me and I'd never follow through with it (see tag: Your Monthly Monkey.  On second thought, don't.), but on Monday she's going to post a Top Ten List of the best submissions.  Yes!  She's going to judge us arbitrarily!  It's like she's been at this for years.

    I've been over there a few (54) times to see what's new.  There's already a great collection of reading material and I'm not just saying that because I'm seeing a lot of my name over there.

    Speaking of nominating yourself, Candy's cool with it.  I checked.  So go!  Nominate!  I hear it's snowing all over the place so go make some hot chocolate, put on your happy music, snuggle in with your heating pad laptop and troll around in everyone's archives this weekend.  Don't let the dolls fool you, you can even troll around in your own "archives" and she won't care.

    comments (9)

    10/27/2008

    Exercise Your Voting Muscles

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

    For the most part I don’t discuss politics.  I’ll talk your ear off about those shoes you’re wearing and the weather, even religion, but politics . . . meh . . . just not my forte.  I understand the issues and I know what choices are best for me, but I rarely feel comfortable discussing them.  It’s just too personal. (Ok, mostly it’s that if we disagree I’ll get mad and act a fool and then we'll both be uncomfortable and nobody needs that kind of unecessary stress.)

    Anyway, a week from today we’ll* be voting in what’s being marketed as “the election of our lifetimes.”  I’m not sure it’s all that, we’ve got some shaky years ahead of us with real potential for tougher decisions, but this election is an important one.

    Look, I don’t give two shits who you’re voting for, I just care that you do it.  It’s important.  Do it.  Don’t forget.  Don’t get lazy.  Don’t waste your chance to make a choice.

    Speaking of making good choices, it’s always a good idea to "don a glove when practicing the love" and these 2008 Election condoms from condomania.com are perfect for making your voice heard in ways other than inarticulate grunting.

    There's the McCain:

    Cute, but I'm not sure I'd trust its efficacy.

    And the Obama:


    If you use good judgment you'll smile all the live-long day!

    But my absolute favorite is the Palin:

    “Not thrilled at the idea of evangelical social conservative Sarah Palin in the White House? 
    Worried about the implications on comprehensive sexual education, abstinence-only programs, 
    abortion rights and gay rights? If so, then Palin Protection Condoms are for you!"

    I even came up with one of my own:

    The Condy-dom - 100% effective because
    you can't keep an erection, let alone impregnate someone.

    *  This offer not valid in Canada. Sorry, poo and kat! You guys had your turn a couple weeks ago.

    comments (18)

    10/21/2008

    I ain't afraid of no hubris.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

    Dr. Zibbs announced his most recent wacky gambut yesterday, a 2009 Calendar of Hottie Bloggers, that will feature twelve or so of his hottest commenters.  I say  "or so" because he, Jon Karp and Whiskeymarie have been manufacturing months, like Stalktober and Creepuary, in order to make room for all of us.  That Zibbs, he's got the face and tact of a pig, but the ladies love him.  I know I love him; I'm April.

    To be honest, he's not actually manufacturing or distributing these calenders.  Instead, you're all responsible for printing out the pictures he chose and then gluing them to the pages of a real calendar.  I thought I'd help you out and repost a bigger version of the picture of me that warms his cockles because I'm self-involved helpful.

    Speaking  of cockles, I suspect this "calendar" will become next year's premier spank mag so I trolled around in the archives for these previously-published-here photos of me, you know, in case you'd also like to affix my image to Smarch, Uvulary, Pune, and Whoregust:


    Headstart!  I'm already making out with somebody.

    Even has snacks for when you're finished and famished.

    Three words:  H. O. T.

    For the exhibitionists.
    No, I promise I won't post the pictures I take of you defiling yourself.  Swearsies!

    comments (13)

    10/09/2008

    This oughta get us there.

    Posted by Gwen | Labels: , , ,

    I know I promised to go back to the end of this post and deliver the last however-many obscenities but my staff meeting ran long yesterday and by the time I got back to my desk it was so late in the day that I needed to hit the ground running and keep the pace.  So no update.

    Which is actually, I think, a good thing because I had all day to think about this sick series (imagine a ticker tape running obscenities in the back of your brain all.day.long) and came up with a much better end for it than just posting a list of obscenities until we hit 10%.  Booor-ing.  Trite.

    I’ve decided to catalog and post, in order of receipt, all the filthy terms from your raunchy comments and we’ll see how high we get.  Much more fun and interactive, don't you think?  Assuming this was ever fun.  It seemed like you were having fun.  Is this getting awkward now?  Yeah?  Well, tough shit because I have to complete this scientific, pornographic jihad or it will consume me.  My mind is already so saturated with filth that ordinary, everyday conversations are morphing into smut.  For example, yesterday in the smoking lounge this guy I know was talking about Internet Explorer 6.  I heard him say Internet Explorer Sex and thought he was saying he'd jammed up his computer with porn.  I also asked him if his cat’s name was Shit.  In all fairness, the cat is named Poo.  I was close.

    Anyway, let’s do this thing before I get fired or punched:

    Fuckin’ A, fucking, fuck, bullshit, fucking bad-ass, shit, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina, badassery, badass, fucking badassery, tit, clit, pussy, slit, chuff-pipe, frottage, cockroar . . . 

    I have no idea what a cockroar is.  I even looked it up.  Imaginary Reviewer?  Can we get a translation, please?

     . . . sexual, badass, sexual, badassify, bitchin’ badass . . . 

    Here it comes, hold onto your hats.

    . . . felch, badass, felch, fucking, felching . . . 

    Seems like once you add felching the party mix no one can taste anything else.

     . . . fisting, badass, Poo . . . 

    Poo was used as a name but I’m counting it because he’d want me to.

    And then there it was . . . the one I’d been waiting for all day . . . Eric came through with George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words, the Holy Grail of obscenity:

    . . . Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits . . . 

    Not only that?  He threw in a badass and another tits just because he’s a freak like that.

    . . . felching, fisting, fucking assholes . . . 

    Go back and read that run again, we'll wait for you.

    . . . badass, felching, donkey punches, dirty sanchez, Cleveland steamer . . .

    There they are, the ones I was going to link.  Thank you, Pistols.  You could have posted anonymously and I’d have known it was you by the romance in your voice.  The only one I'd add to that list is the Cincinnati bowtie.

    And finally, we bring it on home with:

    . . . felch, schlong face, buttmunch, cream pies, and um . . .assalingus.

    Though I linked to many of these terms and acts, I only had to personally research a handful.  I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud.  Slick suggested I deserved some sort of award for the poem and I agree, but I think it should be for the series.  You guys get busy making me an award and I'll be over there - points to corner - curled up in the fetal position, reading scripture in an attempt to evict the gutterslut who's taken up residence in my medulla oblongata.

    I was going to say frontal lobe but medulla oblongata sounded dirtier.

    Make it stop.

    Help me.

    comments (20)

    Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)
    Subscribe