Everything I Like Causes Cancer

This is a dialogue I wrote in my head while it was in the toilet the past two days. The characters are you, my dutiful reader, and me. I'll be me. You be you. Ready?

You: Where have you been? I emailed you at work on Monday, no reply. And I, like, called you twice yesterday. Where the hell have you been? Did you go on another bender?

Me: No. I had the flu. It was awful and gross. Enough said.

You step back three paces at a pace you hope looks slow, but it isn't. I can tell you are afraid to breathe near me now.

You: Ewwww. The flu? That sucks. Both ends?

Me: No, I'm sorry, no gross details. No details like I thought at one point my asshole was coming out my nose.

You: ??!!??

Me: See? I said nothing gross like that.

Aaaaand scene.

Aren't you just giddier than shit that you stuck around for this stuff?