Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


Your Monthly Monkey, January Edition

Posted by Gwen |

LM gave me the most rockin' awesome sock monkey calendar for Christmas (Thanks, LM!) and ever since I've been mulling how best to share my bounty with you, Dutiful Reader. (I've decided that if you're still here after the last post, which was really gross, I should actually start calling you Dutiful Reader. Also? This post was not drafted, written, or thought of while my head was inside the toilet.)

Anyway! After much time spent gazing at and adoring my twelve new monkey friends I realized that each and every one of them has got quite a personality. Then they told me they wanted me to tell their stories. I was initially reluctant because I questioned my ability, but in the end I asked myself, "Who are you to deny any sock monkey's wish?" I'm no one, I tell you. No one.

So I named them all and now I'm going to share this small slice of my krazee with you every month. Just like Aunt Flo. Well, probably not as regular as she is because I'm kind of a quitter. In fact, you guys should start placing over/under bets that I'm still doing this in March.

Without further ado and flim-flam, it is my honor to introduce you to January's Sock Monkey . . .

Daniel Patrick McFloogle

His pals, and the ladies, call him Dapper Dan. Dan's smooth. Dan's got syle. Dan knows what you like and isn't afraid to give it to you. Just check out the man's threads. He's sporting one of the nattiest items in men's fashion right now, the rolled brim cap with top poof. Also notice how he mirrors the poof at his neck. It's fantastic.

Dan's most striking features are those beautiful blue flower button eyes with gemstone irises. I almost didn't notice the poof because was doing the backstroke in those gorgeous peepers. I close my eyes and imagine Dan seducing me with them and kissing me with his luscious rick-rack lips until his jingle bell nose tink-tinks!


Dan enjoys films with subtitles, a great bottle of wine and listening to jazz with his perfectly shaped Cinnabon ears. He also secretly enjoys porn. Not that I would know. I heard it from someone else. Someone reliable. Yeah.


Megan said...

But why is he wearing mascara?

Gwen said...

Megan: Hi! I'm glad you stopped by. I went over to your house. It's funny over there and I like it! To answer your question, Dan only looks like he's wearing mascara. His eyelashes are really that defined and long without any supplements. Don't you hate him? Hate him until you love him, that is! Rowr!

LM said...

I love an Irish lad with cinnabon-shaped ears for listening to jazz. That cracks me up.

-R- said...

"lucious rick-rack lips" - That cracked me up.

Whiskeymarie said...

Dirty porn freak monkey.

But I still love him- he's so very cultured and smooth.