Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

2/27/2008

Blog Share

Posted by Gwen |

Hey, kids! It's that time again! Time for Blog Share, the only anonymous blogging exercise that I know of. As a refresher, there are many things bloggers hold back about - work, family, secret fetishes, the REALLY terrible things we've done, things that hurt us -- but participation in Blog Share gives each of us anonymity by switching where we post. For example, the post below was not written by me and mine is being hosted by one of the other participating bloggers. Please go read them all!

And now, without further administrative malarky, I give you the prose of my Anonyposter:

Because this post is super-duper anonymous, I feel somewhat safe venting about someone I call my “best friend,” if only out of habit. I’ve been friends with this girl for seventeen years now, and I think the friendship was narrowly saved only by the fact that I moved out of state three years ago. Plus, you’d basically have to sleep with my husband, gouge my eyes out with a fork, burn my house down in the night, and kick my dog before I would end a friendship with you. And since I don’t have a husband, a house or a dog, I guess all my friendships are pretty safe.

That said, there are a few things I’d like to get off my chest about this girl. Here’s what rankles the most after seventeen long years of friendship:

-- She consistently blows me off for a boyfriend, any boyfriend (in fact, a long series of boyfriends), and only finds time to hang out with me when she’s between relationships.

-- She did this to all her friends, until she wound up with no friends. Now she has a boyfriend who travels a lot and she’s in therapy because – big surprise – she’s lonely.

-- She went through a five-year phase when she could not be on time for anything, and in fact was often several hours late. She kept me waiting in bars, restaurants, nightclubs, at shows, and on street corners, literally for hours. The invention of the cell phone and some semblance of maturity seem to have cured her of this habit. Now she’s only 30 minutes late for everything.

-- Her birthday is in July, mine is in December. Every year she gives me one gift for both Christmas and my birthday, despite the fact that I always get her separate gifts for both. And her gifts? They suck. One year she was complaining about the fact that she didn’t have enough professional-looking earrings to wear to work, and also that she didn’t have a small jewelry box to keep them in. I spent several months hunting for earrings that were unique but classy, and eventually found ten pairs of them, all quite expensive. I wrapped them in an embroidered silk bag I had bought in India and put them in a suede-lined leather jewelry box. For Christmas I got her a matching cashmere hat, glove and scarf set. And what did she get me? A single birthday/Christmas gift: a pair of earrings that she bought at the last minute at a shop next to her office and didn’t even bother to wrap. (Did I mention that at the time we both earned the same amount of money?)

-- Along the same lines, I’m currently nine months pregnant, due any day now, and she’s the only person I know who has yet to buy me a baby gift or even send me a card. (For crying out loud, I’ve had blog readers send me baby gifts.)

-- She works in middle management for a publicity company that promotes things like glassware and kitchen utensils, but seems to think her job is not only the most important thing in the world, but endlessly fascinating to everyone around her. I once wrote an entire section of a law review article while we were on the phone and she spent four hours talking about her job.

-- When I try to talk about my accomplishments, she either quickly changes the subject or finds a way to imply that what I do is unimportant. Um, I’m an advocate for third-world child prostitutes. She promotes forks.

-- She finds subtle ways to insult little things I’m proud of. I recently bought my first new car (that probably sounds strange at the age of 34, but I lived in Manhattan my entire adult life) and when she rode in it she said, “God, you can feel every bump in the road in this car.” When I proudly mentioned that my blog finally surpassed a hundred viewers per day, she nastily pointed out that there are plenty of “mommy blogs” out there that get over six thousand viewers per day.

I could go on all day, but here’s the craziest part: I still love her like a sister.

22 comments:

SLynnRo said...

God, this is so me and a person in my life. I'm also a lawyer and this person also has a similar job, just for good coincidence measure.

Monkey said...

She is so jealous of you......

Sauntering Soul said...

I completely agree with monkey. This is nothing but jealousy on her part. She also seems to have low self-esteem and tries to make herself feel more important than you by always trying to one-up you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this type of relationship.

lizgwiz said...

Maybe you should stop "exchanging" gifts with her. Or just stop at the dollar store on your way to her birthday party. ;)

Anonymous said...

"She promotes forks." That cracked me up!

You are much more tolerant than I am. I think it is great that you still love her.

Elise said...

Yeah, the forks thing made me laugh as well. Maybe you need to not give her such nice gifts anymore! Or maybe, like me, your love language is gifts and hers just isn't, at all.

I think everyone has a friend like this, at least to some degree. I definitely feel you on the gifts though! (Obviously)

Melliferous Pants said...

Fork promoter...ha!

Sparkling Cipher said...

She promotes forks. I think that could sum it up.

I hope there is a Things You Love About Her list, too, that is even longer.

claire said...

Eeech. The first three sounded like you were talking about me. I was hoping i didn't know you (that i wasn't this girl) because now i'm embarrassed for myself and your best friend!
As for the rest of your list - you have much higher tolerance than i do and i agree with the others. She must be jealous of you.

Anonymous said...

Everybody's right, she's totally jealous.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh, the not buying you a baby shower gift really burned me up. How rude.

-Ann said...

I'm seconding everyone on the jealousy call. And can I just tell you, I don't know why, but this wline was the funniest thing I've read in weeks:
Um, I’m an advocate for third-world child prostitutes. She promotes forks.

Anonymous said...

She sounds like a friend to you when it's convenient.

But frankly, I'd leave the gift giving stuff off the list of gripes. Aren't we supposed to give freely and not expect anything in return? Not keep track? Just sayin'.

But, if she can't "be there" for you when you need her, it might be time to drift apart.

LM said...

I'm not so easily convinced that this "friend" is jealous. Perhaps she's just a narcissistic jerk who treats you like she does because she is being allowed to get away with it. And you are allowing her to treat you like that, you know. If you are at truly at peace knowing this is how it will be- more power to you. You are a kinder person than I. But I hesitate to believe that you are fine with it, because you wouldn't be venting here if you were. You are a good friend to stick with her. I hope she can appreciate that someday.

Anonymous said...

Gosh.... friends like that suck you dry, and sometimes it takes a little while to wonder if they're real friends at all?

Indigo said...

print off this posting and send it to her NOW. Do it.

Tracy Crowe Jones said...

The heart often believes in something that the head cannot explain.

Noelle said...

Bravo to you for mentioning the gift thing. There is an unspoken rule that you have to match gifts with friends. It's unspoken, but it's a rule. I think I'm currently in the process of breaking up with a friend, and it's terrible.

Congrats on the baby, anonymous!

And Gwen, I like the way you formatted the blog share links. Kudos.

Gwen said...

I totally agree with Tracy Crowe Jones. Emotions can be inexplicable.

Noelle: Thanks! I needed for them to be easier to see.

Anonymous said...

With a friend like this you don't need enemies!

Anonymous said...

I think we all know people like that -- most of us don't choose them as friends.

Erikka said...

history and memories can tie two people together through anything, healthy or not. it is so strange what love can help us overlook and accept in others...I've felt the same way, not because of the same things, but you get it, and only wonder if anyone has ever felt they are doing that...for me.

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