Everything I Like Causes Cancer

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I've still got it.

Posted by Gwen |

As I pulled up to my garage tonight I noticed a piece of paper stuck in the handle of my garage door. The paper was yellow, folded into eighths, and looked like a note. My mind raced with the possibilities. Was it a hate letter from one of my neighbors for some dumpster or lawn care faux pas? A note from a friend? A bid from a contractor who happened by and saw the opportunity presented by my dilapidated garage roof?

Giddy with anticipation, I jumped out of the car into the pouring rain and snatched it off the door. It was addressed “To the lovely lady with the convertible.” Huh. Interesting.

I got back in the car and opened it carefully as the rain had made the paper delicate. It read, “I hope you don’t mind me saying, you are very beautiful. I do not mean to offend, but I suppose I am a secret admirer. I would love to hear from you, if you use email you can reach me at bndtXX at X dot com.”

I instinctively assumed that “bndt” stands for “Bandit” and giggled aloud over its potential meanings. It crossed my mind that maybe the note was from a raccoon. Or that the author was an old-timey bank robber. Or Burt Reynolds. Or maybe even Burt Reynolds' moustache!

I went down this path until it was exhausted and then re-read the note. On my second reading I realized that the note was well-written, that he had chosen nice words to convey his feelings and had taken the time to write in a nice, even, readable hand.

I am generally appalled at the spelling, grammar and sentence structures produced by 75% of the so-called literate world, but this? This is decent writing for someone who leaves notes on women’s garages on rainy Wednesdays.

For example, ALL of the words are spelled correctly, even the harder ones like “admirer” and “beautiful” and rather than risk a your/you’re mistake, he wrote out both words. Most importantly, the note doesn’t contain one character of the txtspk that is slowly eroding the English language. I understand that txtspk has its place, BTW, but that place is not in an anonymous love note.

So now I am left with options. I could ignore it altogether telling myself that he’s a creepy stalker. He wouldn’t be my first, or my second, or even my third. I'm a magnet for them, it seems.

I could respond, leaving an anonymous reply note that says I’m flattered but not interested in an anonymous suitor. Or I could embrace the chance that he is my Prince Charming and email him only to find out he’s the meth-head I see every morning buying a six-pack of Busch tall-boys at the 7-11 on the corner.

I could also stand naked in front of my garage until he comes back, but it’s still raining and cold. I’m dying to know what you guys think. Who is he? What would you do? What would Jesus do? What should I do?


LM said...

I would absolutely ignore it.

Stephen said...

You should definitely contact him. Not for your benefit, but for my enjoyment in reading the next installment on your blog.


Anonymous said...

Phil would want you stand naked in front of your garage (after you told Kevin of your decision).


Anonymous said...

Oh good, you got my note!

The Gregger

liberalmudhen said...

Oooh. Can I be the "friend of victim" on the local news?

"She was so full of life. She had just found happiness with some anonymous, note writing dude. I can't imagine his pain right now."

amy & jeff said...

This is interesting. Are we so jaded that the prospect of this note coming from some normal dude who simply fancies you and has no other way to contact you except to leave a note being totally out of the realm of possibilities? I think we've all jumped to the assumption that he's a psycho note-leaver who happens to be a great speller but who still might be dangerous. The romantic in me loves this shit and hopes he is NOT psycho and this becomes a great story to tell your grandkids but I guess you have to be too careful these days. Hmmm...I wouldn't email him but if he leaves any more notes, I guess you'll know if he's nuts.

Then I would move.

Lynnette said...

Hmmn...not completely stalkerish...yet a little geeky/creepy at the same time. Does the "Sam's box o' maxipads in the trunk" guy know? Would you want him to know? I kind of agree with Stephen. I'd like to read the next installment. But I don't want to be a "friend of the victim," either. Tough call. I DO love a good speller...

Gwen said...

LM: Probably wise advice.

Laugh: You well know I'll do anything for a good story.

Kevin: I wholeheartedly agree.

Gregger: When did you start calling yourself "Bandit"? And why?

Mudhen: Are you saying we're friends? Suh-weet!

Amy: I'm willing to take a lot of risks, but the probability that he's the love of my life is so low that I'm not willing this time.

Lynette: Maxipads doesn't know. I think he'd act all dad-like about it and I'm really not concerned. I think it's a cute, misguided little note. BTW, I talked to my hairdresser and she IS taking new clients. Email me if you want her number.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I love crap like this - but I can't believe you posted this and then went of vacation.

Why is it that creepy and flattering often go hand in hand.

LIz said...

WELL? I'd love to know what you decided to do!