Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


20 Questions - Day 2

Posted by Gwen |

Today's first questions come from new reader, Moe Wanchuk. Welcome, Moe! Everyone, say hi to Moe. We're happy to meet you, Moe, can't you tell?

Now, going into the nine o'clock hour last night I still had no idea which two questions I was going to answer today. And then new reader Moe commented on yesterday's post and posed two new questions: Did he have a mullet? and When are you answering my question?

I was confused by the first question until I realized it looks like Steve has a mullet in one of my last post's pictures, a situation that had to be addressed quickly and publicly. My ex-husband did not have a mullet at our wedding. What looks like his "party in the back" is actually the plant behind him. I'm not saying that he never had one, but I'm not saying that he did, either. Ever. Not even if you ply me with wine. But feel free to try, I like wine.

Additionally, new reader Moe's real name is not actually Moe Wanchuk. The celluloid Moe Wanchuk played hockey with the Hanson Bothers, whose reputations made me eager to answer Moe's questions before he got any more impatient. So, without further ado, Moe:

I would like to know if you'd ever let Moe's MowJobs cut your lawn? Or Moe's SnowJobs shovel your driveway?

Moe, I’m leery of where you’re headed with this. It sounds like you might have a third business that rhymes with MowJobs and SnowJobs and involves “inflating” things, and that makes me afraid to respond. For example, if I admit that I don’t have a driveway and you’re using the word driveway as a metaphor for my vagina then I come off looking like I’m a chick without a vagina which is gross and not true.

But then again I wonder why a man’s man like you would run a fellatio business. Doesn’t seem like your thing, you know?

To answer your question, Moe, I simply don't know. I guess it would depend on your staff.

And the last series of questions today comes from hellohahanarf in Pittsburgh. Hello asks,

creamy or chunky peanut butter?

Creamy Jif with Smucker's grape jelly on Wonder bread, heavy jelly. That said, ever since the invention of the Uncrustable I don’t waste my valuable time constructing a PBJ. I have better things to do, like sit around the house in my wedding dress and defend my ex-husband's hairstyle honor.

what is your earliest childhood memory?

Getting stung on the index finger by a wasp in Nashville, Tennessee. I was five. I still have a red dot at the base of my left index finger from the sting. Now when I turn up dead any of you can ID my body. If I look fat it's because I'm decomposing. Don't judge.

how old were you when you got "the talk" about sex?

Maybe 5th grade? And it wasn’t so much of a talk as it was handing me a pamphlet from the o.b. tampon box. Thankfully my friends were experienced in the wicked ways of love and I was always a quick study.

Tomorrow we talk about embarrassing moments and how to trick women into sleeping with you. Unless I change my mind between now and then. I am nothing if not fickle.


McGone said...

Thankfully my friends were experienced in the wicked ways of love

Holy crap, were your friends in Led Zeppelin? Was "the talk" sung to the tune of "Heartbreaker?" Because that? Would be awesome.

othurme said...

Creamy is the only peanut butter. That chunky stuff is just what's regurgitated by bulimic elephants.

If we keep asking questions, will you keep writing these posts?

Renaissance Woman said...

I love Creamy...but am trying to like the creamy natural Smuckers! They don't make the crustables with natural peanut butter! Hmmm! Good call on the MowJob and SnowJob...and I know finding out you have a vagina allows me to sleep more soundly.

Dr Zibbs said...

My sex talk went like this: Son, girls, well..they menstrate..and..well..they're very sensitive in certain areas and..well...basically, don't ever punch a woman in the stomach. (I swear I'm not making this up).

hello haha narf said...

i think my body is decomposing today...and it must have also been decomposing in a lot of those photos from nyc this past weekend...

H said...

my sex talk consisted of my mother telling me if I ever had an urges to "do it" I should go into my bedroom, lock the door and use my hand. Ahhhh a good catholic upbringing.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Gwen....I'm in absolute tears right now....that's the funniest thing I've read this year. I hate my job right now and I've always said I'd end up mowing lawns at some point in my life. I just thought that was a great name for my new company. You have to admit, you'd think about calling for my service, just for the fun of it. :)

pistols at dawn said...

I got the talk from several junkies, and so I always thought sex involved dragons and invisible spiders.

Whiskeymarie said...

1) chunky girl here, and, oh... I like chunky peanut butter better than creamy, but I'll forgive your obvious error.
2) An acclaimed local chef here in Mpls/St. Paul was well-known for his love of Uncrustables. He was turning out $50/plate meals, yet stuffing his face with the things. When he got fired, they found cases of them stashed in the walk-in freezer.
3) I never got the sex talk. My friends learned the old-fashioned way: through rumors and TV. Until I was 10 I thought that salmon were somehow involved.