Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Today's first questions come from new reader, Moe Wanchuk. Welcome, Moe! Everyone, say hi to Moe. We're happy to meet you, Moe, can't you tell?

Now, going into the nine o'clock hour last night I still had no idea which two questions I was going to answer today. And then new reader Moe commented on yesterday's post and posed two new questions: Did he have a mullet? and When are you answering my question?

I was confused by the first question until I realized it looks like Steve has a mullet in one of my last post's pictures, a situation that had to be addressed quickly and publicly. My ex-husband did not have a mullet at our wedding. What looks like his "party in the back" is actually the plant behind him. I'm not saying that he never had one, but I'm not saying that he did, either. Ever. Not even if you ply me with wine. But feel free to try, I like wine.

Additionally, new reader Moe's real name is not actually Moe Wanchuk. The celluloid Moe Wanchuk played hockey with the Hanson Bothers, whose reputations made me eager to answer Moe's questions before he got any more impatient. So, without further ado, Moe:

I would like to know if you'd ever let Moe's MowJobs cut your lawn? Or Moe's SnowJobs shovel your driveway?

Moe, I’m leery of where you’re headed with this. It sounds like you might have a third business that rhymes with MowJobs and SnowJobs and involves “inflating” things, and that makes me afraid to respond. For example, if I admit that I don’t have a driveway and you’re using the word driveway as a metaphor for my vagina then I come off looking like I’m a chick without a vagina which is gross and not true.

But then again I wonder why a man’s man like you would run a fellatio business. Doesn’t seem like your thing, you know?

To answer your question, Moe, I simply don't know. I guess it would depend on your staff.

And the last series of questions today comes from hellohahanarf in Pittsburgh. Hello asks,

creamy or chunky peanut butter?

Creamy Jif with Smucker's grape jelly on Wonder bread, heavy jelly. That said, ever since the invention of the Uncrustable I don’t waste my valuable time constructing a PBJ. I have better things to do, like sit around the house in my wedding dress and defend my ex-husband's hairstyle honor.

what is your earliest childhood memory?

Getting stung on the index finger by a wasp in Nashville, Tennessee. I was five. I still have a red dot at the base of my left index finger from the sting. Now when I turn up dead any of you can ID my body. If I look fat it's because I'm decomposing. Don't judge.

how old were you when you got "the talk" about sex?

Maybe 5th grade? And it wasn’t so much of a talk as it was handing me a pamphlet from the o.b. tampon box. Thankfully my friends were experienced in the wicked ways of love and I was always a quick study.

Tomorrow we talk about embarrassing moments and how to trick women into sleeping with you. Unless I change my mind between now and then. I am nothing if not fickle.