Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


Dear New Bath Puff:

Posted by Gwen |

I picked you out of all the other bath puffs in the bin at Target because of your pretty blue/green color. And because you match the little hand mirror I recently bought.

But you, you are a rake. And I don’t mean “rake” like you’re a cad. I mean rake like you feel like a rake on my skin. You are so scratchy that every morning I feel like I am reenacting the shower scene from Silkwood.

Target should box you up and send you to homeless shelters where people actually need a good scrubbing. Or they could inject you with gooey blue soap and sell you as SOS pads.

Either way, you should not ever, under any circumstances, be washing the delicate bums of people like me. But I’m going to keep you because my skin is actually softer, you Nazi.

Sincerely yours,



Dr Zibbs said...

My showering aid is a large stick -actually a log. I tied about 50 sponges around it and fastened the edges with duck tape. I rub it all over my skin while in the shower.I also wrote reminders on it of certain areas I shouldn't forget to wash. I call it a Loofy. I'm thinking about writing a song about it.

mindy said...

Damn, I should buy one of these. For some reason I really like a good scrub down in the shower - one that involves scratch marks being left all over my body. I wonder what that says about me?

Keeper Of All Things said...

Can you say Hurt So Good?!! LOL

hello haha narf said...

you got it backwards: use that fucker to scrub the TUB, not your BUT.

ok, ok...butt has two t's. i didn't wanna say use it to scrub your ttub.


Moe Wanchuk said...

Why don't you just hire a man to do that? I bet it would be cheaper too!

Renaissance Woman said...

Hey...I got one of those out of the dollar bin and have been thinking the same thing. Not sure that my skin is softer but it's a great way to punish myself!

Gwen said...

EVERYONE: This blog has been hijacked by blogger as potential spam. The bastards told me it could take up to two days to reinstate it. I am not dead, just very angry.

Darrin said...

HA! I learned the hard way not to use those soft looking puffs with facial scrub. LOL! Also.. the silkwood reference made me laugh. Wonder how many youngin's will be scratchin there heads saying "huh?"

Dr Zibbs said...

This is a test to see if you're shut down for spam.

pistols at dawn said...

Nice Silkwood rape shower joke. Well done.

Whiskeymarie said...

I heard on Oprah that when "scientists" tested a bunch of those poof thingies that different women had been using that they found feces on something like 80% of them.

If Oprah said it, it must be true- so stop scrubbing your butt with that thing, young lady.