Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Oh, don't get all excited. I'm not really going to The Hamptons and neither are you. As if. We’re just middle-middle class working stiffs who live on the south side of [insert your town name here]. Growing up lower-middle class taught me to appreciate the things that I have. It also taught me that I had to go to college so that I could have better things to appreciate.

My friend Amy* and I were emailing yesterday about how her Granny, who used to summer in Peabody, Massachusetts, pronounced the name of the town like "pee-be-DEE" and how funny it is when it's said that way. You should say it out loud right now. Who cares if your co-workers can hear you? Get them in on this, too. You can bill it to “Admin.” Make sure you get the emphasis on the end syllable. That’s what the all caps means, dummies.

Anyway, this got me to thinking about just how sublime it would be to be a person who summered somewhere. To live a life of wealth so abundant that every year you could afford to retire to your summer home, the only place on Earth where every day is mild and sunny. I dream of days spent lounging on the beach, a big straw hat shading my book . . . tennis on the lawn . . . cocktails at 4 . . . dinner at 8, casual or formal depending on my mood and guests.

Imagine it. If I were this fabulously wealthy I could bring you all out to the place for a weekend . . . Whiskeymarie would make pitcher after pitcher of delicious adult beverages . . . McGone would draw sketches to memorialize how beautiful and fabulous we were . . . Falwless and I would drink all the drinkies, smoke all the smokies, and rescue all the kitties . . . Kimchi Amy and Jeff would make cakes celebrating the fact that we were summering . . . Pistols At Dawn would deter other vacationers in the area from staying too long. . . Renaissance Woman would make a dock for the sailboat (note to self: consider bringing her handy uncle, also) . . . The Lady Who Doesn’t Lunch would make lunch . . . (wait, that doesn’t seem right, note to self: hire mid-day staff) . . . and Dr. Zibbs, well I guess Zibbsy would just keep us in stitches.

Everyone, all of you, everyone who comes here with your special talents and ways of entertaining . . . you'd all be there. It would be just as I dreamt it . . . and you were there, and you were there, and you were there, too!

In the meantime, I’ll be happy with the 10x6x3 blow-up pool I put up in the backyard. I figure there’s a street in town called Hampton Avenue so I’m well within my rights to refer to it as The Hamptons.

Are you available to join me in The Hamptons this weekend, lovey?

* Amy will henceforth be referred to as Peabody and I expect you to read/say it like pee-be-DEE. Remember, emphasis on the end. Say it out loud and punch your arms to the syllables if it helps you get the accent right.


McGone said...

It would be like a modern hippy commune. I'm in! I'll be thumbing a ride to... wherever your make believe summer house is.

RW said...

I would be pouring the absinthe.

Dr Zibbs said...

My Rich Uncle Thurston was so rich he used to call the HAPMTONS the South Side. He also would give me tips on getting the ladies. "Take the Yacht over the South side young Zibbs. When you see a lady you want, say to her, 'I wouldn't mind seeing YOUR south side.' How do you think I got your Aunt Lovey?'"

the indefatigable mjenks said...

I live on the North Side of Durham, NC...which is like living on the south side of Hell.

My parents used to have a summer home on a lake. It wasn't as fabulous as you might imagine. There was no tennis on the lawn. We barely had a lawn. It's a touch disingenuous to even call it a summer home. It was more like a summer shanty. However, the Deetz girls who lived across the lane from us made it "vaction-worthy" every summer. Thank you, family of loose-moraled girls from Indianapolis, for making the summers of my youth memorable.

LM said...

Summer vacation? How about permanent vacation? That's what I'm talking about.

Falwless said...

I'm so there, little lady. I'll bring the 40s.

liz said...

Ah. To summer where there are no thoughts deeper a highball glass and where the humidity isn't the only topic of conversation. Gwen, you know how to day dream! Thanks!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I'm all good with a baby pool as long as there are blender drinks. I'll bring the tiny umbrellas and the corn chips.

pistols at dawn said...

I'm going to wander around in my bathrobe with a blunderbuss muttering to myself about the kids these days.

I may also stop to ogle teenage girls who are jogging by.

Whiskeymarie said...

If I weren't already tied up "summering" on the coast, dahlink, I would be there in a heartbeat.

Oh. Wait.
I forgot I'm back home and sweating my ass off while hating this city.

I'll be there a.s.a.p. with my blender and a bottle of tequila. Make sure no one pees in the pool before I get there- I want to be the first.