Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

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Check out the bottom (pun not intended but left it because it should have been) ad over there on the right-hand side of this snapshot of my Facebook profile from yesterday.  It reads, "Top 3 Cleanses Reviewed."

Underneath the colorful picture of the intestines it reads, "I reviewed the top colon cleanse brands.  Don't get ripped off like I did."

This stupefied me.  How does one even know what the top three brands are?  Who gives this much of a shit about their shit?  Curious, I googled "colon cleanse" and then spent the afternoon simultaneously giggling and throwing up in my mouth a little over what I found.

First off, there is a brand called Colonblow.  I shit you not.  They even have a mascot dubbed Poop Coach who is pictured with a whistle in his mouth.  I don't know about you, but I like peace and quiet for my constitutionals, not some guy lording over me telling me I need to practice if I want to be a winner and blowing a whistle in my face when I stop pushing to read a little.

Number two (god, I kill me), here's how they describe your Colonblow-inspired offal:

"You will be surprised, if not mortified, when you see what your body may rid itself of. This is where you have to insert your own humor, laugh a little. I strongly encourage you to examine your own stool, you will have many opportunities, trust me. Most folks have described the final stage waste as 'rope-like'. Yep, that's right. When you see this type of waste, success!"

I'm sorry, but if something rope-like came out of my ass I'd be tempted to hang myself with it.  Or at least reconsider eating rope for it's beneficial fiber content.

And, OH MY GOD, last but not least, they actually posted pictures of someone's results with this commentary:

"Notice the density and texture. This nicely signifies the elimination of long-term waste. There were four previous releases making up about three-plus pounds of waste. Nearly two feet of 'rope'. This is the good stuff. FYI... it didn't fall apart when extracted from the commode."

There are other results pictures here, here, and here.  Click on these at your own peril and disgust.

30 comments:

Falwless said...

I'd just like to say I'm not clicking. Nope.

Gwen said...

ChickenSHIT.

words words words said...

Ah, I learned about these "colon cleansers" a while back. If it makes you feel better, they're a total scam. You are supposed to eat "mineral supplements" that will cleanse you, but what they really do is best described as making a jello mold in your colon. Then when the rope-like rubbery stuff comes out, you feel like you really got cleaned out.

Also, all I can think of when I hear "colon blow" is that hilarious SNL commercial for the cereal of the same name.

Dr Zibbs said...

I have no need for this snake oil as my tape worms Carl and Fayisha keep my insides nice and tidy. They do get a bit pissed when I drink too much and they've tried to escape but that's what tight underwear is for..isn't it?

Jennifer and Sandi said...

hahaha holy shit!!! I'm with Falwless.. I'm not clicking either!! Nope Nope Nope

- Jennifer

Stacie said...

THAT IS CLASSIC.

McGone said...

You should manipulate the code on the main picture of this post so that when people click to enlarge it actually takes them to the links that the smarter of us refuse to click on.

I actually heard a story just this weekend about a friend of my girlfriend who stayed in one night and took "Colon blow" only to get a phone call from a girl he had been wanting to date for awhile. Needless to say he went out with her that night anyway, and then... never again.

Anonymous said...

I am with falw. I won't do it. I will NOT click.

Amanda said...

I will not click, but I might forward this post to my husband who probably will.

Sass said...

No, no, no, no, no, hell no.

Hell. No.

Again. Hell....NO.

Gwen said...

Am I the only tool on the Interwebs that clicks out of curiosity?

Some Guy will click. He better click; he still owes me one for this.

pistols at dawn said...

This is vintage, though I'm not sure what it says about you that making a series of well-dressed poop jokes is really your milieu.

However, I've seen enough poop in my days to also not click through, and I like what that says about me.

Poobomber said...

My mother, bless her, at one time studied iridology - the studying of one's eyes. Supoosedly you can tell the colon state by peering into one's irises.

Now, at this point she had books of feces laying around all over the place. I shit you not. You couldn't go 5 feet in the house without running into a picture of stringlike poop or pictures of intestinal worms.

It was a formative period in my life, because at that point shit got serious. (Pun intended.)

Poobomber said...

"Supoosedly" almost seemed like an intentional typo. However, I'm not all that witty.

liberalmudhen said...

This reminds of my vodka enema experiment Sat night - Citrus Belvedere works best. OH, the burning...

Giggle Pixie said...

Jesus H. Christ on a Cracker! Just when you think you've heard (and seen) everything!!

Actually, just heard for me. I ain't clicking for photo proof either. Nuh-uh. I enjoyed my lunch the first time I ate it and I want it to stay where it is, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

H said...

Gwen - you are so lucky!! At least these look like gummy worms.

When I went researching this a while back, when you clicked on the link for the pic they showed it "as-is" in the toilet. Of course, I do feel bad for whomever felt the need on your site to scoop it out and present it. Maybe it was the (r)umpire shown on the page!

Yeah I went a long way for that one. But seriously, the ones I saw were in the toilet. It lent a more life like feel to the product than these.

Sandi said...

My lord! Forget the poop - did you see the shape that toilet's in????? GROSS!!!

Gwen said...

Sandi: I know! The chickens are really missing out by not looking at the pictures.

MelO said...

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww LMAO!! You know *I* had to look... even if only for shits and giggles (aaaaaah ha ha ha ha!)!!

Ok, in all seriousness tho... I always pass (no pun intended) by this one plumbing supply company and giggle to myself at the name of it. Am I the only one who thinks B&M is slightly humurous initials for a PLUMBING company? B&M? REALLY?

Lol...

MelO said...

"Supoosedly" ... LMAO!!!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

OMG! Gwen, That is so funny, but not to all people. My friend has Graves disease and she has a problem with the "daily cleanse" ritual.
It's a riot that people get so descriptive about their BM's. It's kind of ANAL, doncha think?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the name calling Gwen. Now I looked.

You know I'm unemployed Gwen. With 3 poopers in the house, I didn't need to come to the internets to see more of it.

(BTW: 4 poopers if you count the miss)

mike said...

I looked at the pictures and really almost puked. That was terrible.

And now I can no longer use my great pickup line about the rope in my pants. Thanks.

mike said...

By the way, I like your facebook picture. You look very pensive and insightful. Or else you are waiting for the colon-blow to finish working.

Anonymous said...

Scope here, freak'n BB will only let me publish Anon

I view this like changing my transmission fluid. After a point, the build up in there is a protective coating, like a patina if you will, Removing it exposes the material below to danger and damage.

Plus, I don't want want to see 15 year old corn coming out.

Plus, the product I've been hearing on the radio refers to it as "paste" and "spackle".

If I want to cleanse myself, Popeye's Fried Chicken with a side of red beans and rice. It's a race with the devil to get home.

surviving myself said...

Now those are some links that I like clicking. Bands? No thanks. Poop pictures? Hell yes!

My name is Chris and I am one of your readers.

Fancy Schmancy said...

You didn't get me to click on the poo links, but you got me to click on the roid. At work. You win.

All my co-workers want to know what made me yell, "OH SWEET JESUS!".

enc said...

I saw that ad and thought two things:
1. Yuck, I don't *want* to click.
2. If this eejit got ripped off, then why should I trust the reviews?

Jezo.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

People are so generous to share in this way.

I'm guessing - I didn't click - no way.

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