Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Last week I posted a list of seven things about myself that allegedly happened the day prior and asked everyone to guess which one was a lie. I don't have any hullaballoo written for this so let's just get to it, shall we?

1. I pulled a hamstring putting on my pants.

Sadly true. I told the story as soon as I got to work and LilBRR asked, “How high were you holding your pants?!” Considering I’m six months from my 40th birthday and she’s not yet 30, I dismissed her query as ridiculous. Freakin' whippersnapper has no idea how quickly things deteriorate once you pass 35. My first thought as soon as it happened was, “Well, I guess this is the way it’s going to be from now on.”

2. The butcher at the grocery store had shaped a pile of pork sausage into a 3D pig face and I immediately thought, "Start snappin' you fingers!" (Zibbidy's last avatar was a pig mask with this caption.)

True. I should have snapped a picture but I stood there so long contemplating it that the butcher grew uneasy and gave me the stinkeye. I’ve gone back to the same store several times since and the sculpture has yet to be recreated. I thought about asking them to make one when I was there today but I like shopping there and don’t want to get banned. It’s bad enough I can’t go to the zoo anymore.

3. I had a KFC Mashed Potato Bowl for lunch and it gave me heartburn.

True. H and I call it the Bowl of Sadness because it’s so bad. In about three months I’ll have forgotten how bad it makes me feel and go back for more.

4. Driving to work I couldn't figure out why my car never warmed up inside. I was pretty upset that it was going to need more work and then realized the air conditioning was on.

False. Kudos to Legal Mist for being the only person to get it right! She said it was so innocuous and true-seeming that it just had to be false. I suppose it took another legal mind to see the truth in its simplicity. That said, this is totally something I would do so I can’t be upset with the rest of you for knowing me so well. Hugs.

5. I only received a handful of emails with CHRIST! in the subject line which means those of you who sent one can expect a much better gift and/or card than I originally planned. Anyone who sends a request after I publish this post can expect a lump of coal. So there.

True. The number of people who have emailed me their snail mail addys has increased slightly since this was originally posted but my Christmas cattle call is closing on Sunday so if you want me to mail you goodies for Christmas, speak now or don’t whine later. Scratch that, don’t whine ever. Just send your snail mail addy to guenosdias847 at gmail dot com and put CHRIST! in the subject line. Also, please don't feel like you can't participate because you're new around here or don't comment. How the hell else are we going to become BFF? Send it!

6. I realized that I am in the weeds at work so deep that there needs to be three of me. Any of you have an interest in tort law and a nonpaying internship? Email me and put “SLAVE” in the subject line.

True. Just a short year or so ago my team at work had 14 people on it. Our team handles a large body of work that spans all of the US, including Guam, Puerto Rico and Alaska. We are now 10. I know that I should just be glad to have a job in this economy, and I am, but some days the constant pressure wears a person down. I’m better now. I’d still take a free helper if one was offered but I no longer want to cry so that’s something.

7. I received a comment from “Brian”, which I know is one of you messing with me. I tried to narrow it down but it could be any one of you freaks.

True. I’m pretty certain I know who it is and it’s cracking me up although I wonder why he shut down his blog and if he’s okay. You okay, man? Leave me a note on the garage.

Speaking of Brian, I have not received any sort of response since I left my note in its plastic sleeve. I imagine he decided I wasn’t all that if I was responding to anonymous notes left on my garage and, logically, he’d be right.

My favorite part of #7, though, was when Whiskeymarie posted a comment as herself then attempted to post one as “Brian” but forgot to sign out before she did it. Her name and avatar were all over it until she deleted it. I was upset we didn’t get a chance to make fun of her dorkitude back then so I’m calling her out here. I wouldn’t be worthy of her admiration if I didn’t.

If I don't see you again before Thanksgiving, I hope your horn of plenty overflows and your blessings are many.

Thansgiving Day Graphics

I recommend pulling out your favorite fat pants now so you don't find yourself at the table, all bound up in jeans with nowhere for your expanding waistline to go.

25 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

Have a good one my Jive Turkey

McGone said...

I'm wishing you a cornucopia of Thanksgiving wishes. May your liver be pickled and your waistband stretched taut.

Why I don't write for Hallmark is beyond me.

shane said...

I don't know why #4 couldn't be true. I know if I don't "wash the boredom" off before leaving work, i'm like a zombie driving home and will have to crank the A/C, even in the cold, just to stay awake.

dmb5_libra said...

have a great turkey day!

H said...

Happy Thanksgiving Gwen!

psst...a bowl of sadness sounds really good right now.

LegalMist said...

Woo hoo! I just love it when I'm right! :)

Sass said...

Have a great Thanksgiving, Gwen!!!

And be prepared to start some planning, the beginning of next week!!! ;)

pistols at dawn said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you, miss. And if work ever gets too busy, I recommend ignoring Guam. That's what the rest of us do.

Stacie said...

lol. well. I am sorry you really did pull your hamstring putting your pants on.


Have a great holiday.

Anonymous said...

I made Whiskey do it.
Sorry, I'm shy.
Oh sweet Gwen, will you let me help you stuff your turkey tomorrow?
-Brian

Whiskeymarie said...

Dorkitudally yours in McGone,
-Whiskey

Amanda said...

I didn't guess 5 because I've done that! I have permanent Mommy brain!

Amanda said...

Oh and Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Sausage Mechanic said...

Hope your Thanksgiving is great. Eat, drink and be merry!!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

HAPPY Thanksgiving!!!!

- Jennifer

Counslr said...

Gwen, didn't you at one point think the little snowflake button on your car was for driving on snow?

Scope said...

I got nothing.

Happy Thanksgiving.

If you're looking for something fun to do, go to the stores on Black Friday. Don't shop, just annoy the staff and other customers with a relaxed attitude and ask a bazillion questions just to annoy the piss out of people. That's what I do.

In Gwen we trust.

SouthernBelle said...

I've blogrolled you because of the phrase Bowl of Sadness and because of the horrifying turkey stuffed with alien larvae you posted yesterday.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Some Guy said...

I really thought I had the right answer. Damn.

Have a great Thanksgiving, Gwen! I hope it beats the stuffing out of last year's!

Giggle Pixie said...

Dammit! I KNEW there was a reason I should have hung onto my maternity britches!!

Ah well. Maybe I'll just wear a jumper tomorrow. Sans pantyhose, of course.

Have a great Turkey Day!

words words words said...

My "Bowl Of Sadness" is Domino's Pizza. I order it every few months...just as long as it takes me to forget how it makes me feel.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm attending a VEGAN Thanksgiving, so may yours be better than mine!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

May you and your Family have a Super Supper!!

God Bless!!!!

Love,
J

Moe Wanchuk said...

I once pulled a muscle Taking my pants OFF! The old lady said I could "Get Some" if I was FAST.

I tripped...fell down and pulled something in my shoulder.

I didnt get "any"

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Happy Thanksgiving Gwen!

BTW-don't worry about the turning 40 thing. You've still got time and a bunch of us are already here, just warming things up for your arrival.

hello haha narf said...

i am so thankful for you and this blog! happy, happy day, pretty lady.

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