Everything I Like Causes Cancer

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12/05/2008

Dear Jolly Green Giant:

Posted by Gwen |

I am writing today to say thank you for selling smaller cans of the staple vegetables like green beans and corn. I'm a single gal who isn't fond of leftovers but can't eat a whole regular-sized can of vegetables in one meal. So thank you, I appreciate the thought you've put into your packaging.

But, Jolly - can I call you Jolly? - I am also writing to express my dissatisfaction with the labeling you chose for these marvelously smaller cans:

I feel a bit ridiculous with these in my basket at the grocery as I don't generally run in the same circles as Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants. I'm sure Ms. Explorer and Mr. Squarepants are fine people but I live in fear of the day that an eligible hottie sees me with them and asks if the characters make it easier to get my little ones to eat their veggies.

You see, if I'm honest and admit that I don't have any children he will know that I am a sad, single woman who is forced to buy children's vegetables because I take all of my meals alone. Not good.

And if I shamefacedly say, "Why yes, kind sir, it does." then our marriage will be based on a lie and I will be forced to buy children on the black market in order to maintain the pretense. Also not good. Or easy or cheap.

So, can we do away with the cartoon characters on the little cans? Ankle biters aren't the only ones who eat small portions and it's hard enough to meet quality men at the grocery without your cock-blocking corn making a mess of things.

Thanking you in advance,

Gwen
St. Louis, MO

31 comments:

words words words said...

You're laying a lot at the feet of Mr. Giant. He's just trying to make mealtime fun! He cannot be held responsible for your relationship status. Besides, anyone worth marrying enjoys SpongeBob.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

If you want eligible men to think you're single, simply offset the tiny vegetable cans with microwave meals for one. They'll definitely get the message then.

whoissecretdubai said...

a humble request...(for anyone not allowing this post through--not spam--)

Anyone happen to know who Secret Dubai (the blogger: secretdubai.blogspot.com) is?

http://whoissecretdubai.blogspot.com/

Sass said...

I can honestly say I bet the Jolly Green Giant has never been accused of cockblocking before.

That, my dear, is why I love you.

Sausage Mechanic said...

Personally, I'd be attracted to a woman with Sponge Bob stuff in her cart. But, then again, the average woman wouldn't want me even if I were single.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If someone questions you about the Spongebob cans, just give him that sort of head nod and ask, "What, you saying you're sponge-worthy?" If he doesn't get the joke, he's not worth dating, anyway.

Dr Zibbs said...

You should buy full size and donte the extra that you don't eat to a homeless shelter. How unJesusey of you.

H said...

Gwen, it's very simple. You counterbalance the spongebob corn with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a tube of KY.

Sass said...

Speaking of corn and KY...

That reminds me of a hilarious story. I'll have to share that with you at the Hook-Up. ;)

Dr Zibbs said...

I also love when Cecilia, "Frozen. Have you heard of that?" Who is she??

Gwen said...

These comments reminded me of one of my favorite jokes:

A woman is in the checkout line at the grocery store purchasing a half-dozen eggs, that fun little Bunny half-loaf of bread and two cans of Dora corn. The bagger turns to her and asks, "Are you single?" She blushes and replies, "Yes, I am. Was it my groceries that gave it away?" And the bagger replied, "No, it's because you're fucking ugly."

Bwahahaha!

Gwen said...

Zibbs: You are right! This Cecelia is a riot. Everyone needs to listen to her voice comment just to see her profile picture.

Gwen said...

One last thing: I watched Spongebob when no one else knew who he was, taping episodes just so my friends could see what I was talking about. Patrick is my favorite and I have a summer home in Bikini Bottom.

Dr Zibbs said...

Gwen, just left you another song.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA now that is hysterical. I LOVE the small cans of Baked Beans. Those ROCK! and I too love the small cans of veggies. I agree your not going to meet Mr. Right at the grocery store with those in your cart. Maybe you can bring a brown paper bag with you and place the veggie cans inside that. Crap, that won't work, you'll get busted at the check out counter if he's behind you. SHIT.... I'll make a call to General Mills for you. Better yet, they are right down the street from me I'll go down there at lunch time and demand to see the President.

HAPPY FRIDAY
- Jennifer

enc said...

Might I suggest you save money by simply stealing children off the street or playground?

LM said...

Simple solution: buy frozen, then take out whatever amount you want. Voila - no leftovers to worry about. That's what I do. VAMANOS.

Sass said...

You and Zibbs are distracting me today. Here's what I want.

I want to somehow teleport Zibbs here for Sunday.

I want Bingo Anita to show up, so I can see if she not only SOUNDS like my husband's aunt but also looks like her.

I want Cecilia to grace us with her presence so I can find if all of Jolly is "giant."

I'm just sayin'.

pistols at dawn said...

What are "vegetables?" Is that French or something?

Miss Alex said...

You should throw a few bizzarre items in your basket with it like a porn mag, diapers, preperation H, Brussel sprouts, Socks, Dramamine, whipped cream, and bug spray.

Whiskeymarie said...

"cock-blocking corn"? I've never seen that before.

Is that in the same aisle as "pussywhipped peas" or "buttplug baked beans" or "Assmonkey asparagus"?

You know, I'm thinking I really need to find a new grocery store...

liberalmudhen said...

You should be safe - personally, I only check for medications and unusual feminine hygiene products.

In a pinch say, "2 free canned goods get me in free to the Cowboy Mouth show and studies have shown that the homeless are simple minded and love cartoons."

Giggle Pixie said...

Seriously Gwen, I think if some single guy sees those tiny cans in your cart he's just gonna think you're a cheap date.

lol!

Dr Zibbs said...

Giggle Pixie - you mean if a single guy see those BIG cans he's gonna think she's a cheap date - AWW YEAH (hand up for high five)

Giggle Pixie said...

ROTFLMAO @ Dr. Zibbs!!!!!!!!!!!

Suze said...

Why don't you just get a bag of frozen vegetables - walk around the store until they thaw out - open up the bag - eat what you can - and put the rest back for the other single people? Honestly, Gwen, do I have to tell you everything?

Grant Miller said...

I hear Jolly is swinging some serious eggplant if you know what I mean.

Trooper Thorn said...

I have known successful marriages to be based on less. If you consider simmer hate for each other after 20 years to be successful.

Scope said...

Gwen;

If a guy is checking out your cans at the checkout instead of checking out your CANS at the checkout, then he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And while your cans may be small, your CANS are wonderfully sized. Why is the phrase "motorboat" suddenly running thru my brain?

mike said...

Dont hate on SpongeBob. I am wearing SpongeBob boxers right now. True story. And I dont let vegetables slow me down anyways.

Mermanda said...

This does seem like a troublesome issue. I'm going to help you start a letter writing campaign... talk to you soon.

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