Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

A big part of my job is negotiating personal injury settlements with claimants and their representatives. I talk to people from all over the nation every day. And I can generally do so without cracking up so hard I cry on the phone. Today was not that day.


I was organizing a huge stack of new work (so huge it took me three days to get through it all, ugh) when I noticed a small property damage claim that I knew I could quickly settle, and being all about an instant sense of accomplishment, I set to work.

I opened the file and saw that the contact person's name was Monty Hall. (Internal giggling and jokes commenced.) His extension wasn't listed in his letter so I endured 8,000 voice prompts to get to a receptionist. By this time the giggling and jokes had externalized. I cracked wise the entire time she was looking up his number . . . and then she comes out with, "Hmm. It looks like we have two Monty Halls."

GET OUT! I lost my shit.

I was half-hysterical by the time she transferred me but when Monty got on the line I was all business: I made my offer, he accepted it, and we got off the phone.

I lost my nerve.

Can you believe that shit? Let me say it again . . . I lost my nerve. Me. I. Nerve? Lost. When does this happen? Never. Certainly not when it should.

I immediately knew I'd missed a huge comedic/blog post opportunity. I sat there for about ten minutes, morose and turned inside out about what I'd just done, until I mustered the courage to do the unthinkable. I went in for a second shot at it - I called him back.

By the time he got on the line, the death giggles had returned and between snickers I explained my situation and asked if I could make the offer again. He laughed and said that the receptionist had warned him about me but that he would be happy to hear my offer again if it would help me get on with my day. I got my second chance, monkeys.

As calmly as I could (not very) I said, "Monty Hall, let's make a deal. (snicker, giggle) I'm offering you $12,577.60 to settle this claim. (giggle) You can take it. It can be yours. (snicker) Or you could choose what's behind . . . (laughing so hard that my voice is but a squeak) door number three." (pounding on desk)

What a nice man. I hope he's blogging about the crazy woman in St. Louis who badgered him on the phone and then laughed until she couldn't breathe.

36 comments:

Chaka said...

What are the odds? I was cleaning out my man purse the other day and had so much junk in it that it reminded me of the ladies on Let's make a deal.

Sass said...

Which is why I love me some Gwen.

O.G. said...

that is hilarious...I'm glad you went back in for a second chance. You'd have nightmares for the rest of your life about it if you hadn't.

Imnotbenny said...

That is just damn funny. I totally feel like putting on my gorilla suit now and making crappy decisions based on unbridled greed.

This is so my favorite blog today- even if you did renege on a Pink Martini CD ;)

Scope said...

I would say, "I can't believe you called him back," but I can so TOTALLY believe you called him back that the thought of this being some kind of "late in the day they won't be expecting it" April Fool's joke doesn't even register.

mo.stoneskin said...

What crazy woman?

;op

words words words said...

TWO MONTY HALLS? That's insane. Are you sure you weren't in the Matrix?

I would have NEVER called him back, so you're a little bit my hero for doing it.

sid said...

I'm sad that the whole Monty Hall reference is lost on me )=

C.J. Koster said...

Monty Hall. Classic.

Son of a Thomas said...

My Grandfather taught me, that no matter what happens, always go for the joke. One of the many reasons I loved him.

-R- said...

Two awesomes:
1. The receptionist warned him about you!
2. You called him back!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Hahhahahhahah what are thee odds???

Happy Friday Eve!

- Jennifer

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You know, I'm jealous. I wouldn't have the guts to call back and do that. Good for you. Dammit, I'm happy that I read this this morning.

And it tastes like watermelon.

BeckEye said...

I think you should start an audio blog consisting of nothing but you making prank calls to old time game show hosts.

Swistle said...

OMG you crazy girl!

Amanda said...

Now that's some funny!

Nikki said...

This is funnier than Zibbs cock shots!

Gwen said...

Nikki: Of course it is. He learned everything he knows about funny from me. ;)

Dr Zibbs said...

I hope he picks door three and it's a goat eating can.

Mermanda said...

Haha! You are too funny! I love how much enjoyment you take out of life!

Whiskeymarie said...

Whereas I would have just flogged myself with tree branches for missing such an opportunity, the fact that you went right back in for the kill is reason enough to not fight you over the Host spot on our yet-to-be-realized talk/variety show.

(me singing) "Did you ever know that you're my heeee-rooooo...?"

LegalMist said...

You are truly an inspiration!

Fancy Schmancy said...

You've got to be the funniest person I know. That was just classic.

Cowguy said...

You are queen. I hope that you treat yourself toooo....... A BRAND NEW LEATHERETTE LANE RECLINER ANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD A GRAN PRIX HOME STEREO SYSTEM WITH BUILT IN 8 TRACK PLAYER!!!!


J.

Kimizzy said...

That's awesome! Sounds like he had a good sense of humor about it too. Isn't it nice when the universe behaves correctly?

Cora said...

With a name like Monty Hall, he'd damn well better have a sense of humor!! ;-)

Miss Alex said...

That's hilarious... are you in insurance? I am too I bet your company works with mine...

Miss Alex said...

Out of respect for your profession and your privacy I deleted the comment I also don't think it's a good Idea that I advertise where I work online as I've got a serious stalker situation on my hands at the moment (Lady Elaine) if you've ever seen my blog and wondered why i bust on her all the time.

if you give me your e-mail I'll be happy to tell you then :) and I wont publish that either. you can answer on my blog if you're interested :D otherwise... Really entertaining post tody

Cora said...

OooOOooOOooh, Gwen ~ the card you sent me arrived today and I love it! It has thus morphed into a post on my blog. Heh heh heh. Come by and see what you think. :-)

I'll be violating your mailbox soon. Brace yourself!

Miss Alex said...

C'mon Gwen spill it! check your e-mail I'm dyyyying over here!!!!

:D

zelzee said...

Can't wait to hear what happens when you talk to Regis Philbin.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Bwahahaaha! oh, you just had to! Of course!

Eudae-Mamia said...

What a good sport. I wish I had half your nerve.

Don't you think he would want to go by "Montgomery?"

(sent via Sass - glad she did!) Em

Real Live Lesbian said...

I would SHOOT my momma if she named me that!

Hilarious stuff here!

hello haha narf said...

oh my fuck, i laughed so hard at this post. you, my friend, are fantastic. as if i ever needed a reason to adore you, here is this story. PERFECTION!

Nej said...

I love, love, LOVE that you called him back!!! :-)

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