Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

I recently had the honor and pleasure of sitting across a Formica table from handsome raconteur Words, Words, Words of Untitled Blogger Project. He emailed a couple weeks ago about doing an interview and I was thrilled for the opportunity to pick his brain but explained that if you want to make time with me, you have to come to St. Louis. It's happened three times in the past four months and I've decided that's the way it should be. So let it be said, so let it be done.

Eager to join the ranks of the off-center and wack elite and privileged, he booked the next flight. As is custom when visiting EILCC HQ, there was merriment and shenanigans but the point of his visit - and this post - was the interview. I'm certain you'll find him as delightful as I did.

Me: When did you realize you liked to cook? What made you love it?

WWW: I honestly don’t remember. I don’t think there was a light bulb moment. I guess after I moved away from home and started to cook for myself, I realized that it can be a creative outlet. When you look at it like that instead of just as a chore to feed yourself, it leads you all kinds of interesting places.

What would you write on your sign if you were homeless?

“I know where you live. Yes, you.”

If you had the chance to spend one more day with someone who has died, who would it be and what would you do?

I would spend it with my grandfather, because he died well before I was born and I’m named after him. I’m not sure what we’d do, I’d just want to get to know the kind of guy he was.

If you were to buy me a present today, what would you buy me?

An hour of network time for you to host a variety show.

What makes you smile instantly?

Making someone laugh. When I can tell that someone is happy to see me. When I can tell someone has enjoyed food I made. When I see my nephew.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

You know, I tried to think of a funny answer for this, because I want my funeral to be funny, not sad. But I got nothing. So I’m going to be maudlin. I really like the song “Walk On” by U2 for this. It’s not about death at all, but it sounds like it is to me.

What have you loaned to someone that you never got back? Who did you loan it to? Why do you think you never got it back?

You know, the only time I can remember this happening is in 7th grade when I lent Tammy Doyle my Eagles Greatest Hits cassette. Bitch still has it. Cause she’s a bitch. She can keep it though, because as an adult I have come to realize that the Eagles suck.

Name five things you are immensely grateful for.

  1. I’m healthy.
  2. I had the best parents in history.
  3. Re #2, if I ever get married, I also have the best example of a great marriage.
  4. I have a brain. I don’t have much else, so it has carried me through.
  5. I had the good fortune to be born in a place and time where my problems are more “This traffic sucks” than “I wish I had something to eat this month”.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

I suppose you could call it either. I’d call it the hard sell.

Do you dog-ear the pages of your books to mark your place?

Yes. I have no regard for books as aesthetic objects. I always buy paperbacks, and I don’t mind abusing them.

What would you name a pet rock?

Gwen. Or Stony Danza.

Are you taller than your refrigerator?

I’m not sure, it’s pretty close. I’m definitely wider.

What are you hiding in that box in your closet?

Your mom.

What’s your special purpose?

I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that. I think that our talents and personalities can direct us to an ideal niche in life, but I haven’t found that yet.

Boxers or briefs?

Boxer briefs.

Wanna make out?

Yes, but you must promise not to fall in love with me. /Latin accent.

I wish I could express how I felt when he said his gift to me would be an hour of network time to host a variety show. Are you
fucking (network) kidding me? Come on! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love costumes and being silly and entertaining. It was the most "excited" I'd ever been in public over something that didn't actually happen.

Want more? Check out his interview with Kimizzy here and with Southern Belle here. I heard he talks about what he likes in a woman . . .


Some Guy said...

Your dislike for the Eagles has made me like you even more (if that's possible).

And "Stony Danza"? Nice!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Can I be your Ed MacMahon? Oh, that would probably be Whiskey, so then can I be the musical director?

The Diva on a Diet said...

Some Guy took the words right outta my mouth. Eagles dis and Stony Danza ... as if I couldn't love you more!

Brilliant questions ... this was a hoot!

Anonymous said...

Great questions!! I can't believe he's hiding your mom in his closet though, that shit is not right.

This was really fun! I think I'll be popping by more; you cracked me up. (That and I feel like we could relate, as everything I love also causes cancer.)

Soda and Candy said...

Hahaha, great interview.

Words is a character. You should definitely let him guest on your variety show!

liberalmudhen said...

I want a recurring role on the show each week:
Week 1: Read Robert Frost in underpants
Week 2: Try plate spinning
Week 3: Karoeke Air Supply
Week 4: Make fun of Canadians
Week 5: Fight any woman in the studio audience

words words words said...

Gwen, I'm glad I picked you to do this! Some of your 8 million readers might come over to my place.

And after rereading the interview this morning, I passed by my refrigerator and paid attention. I am a full six inches taller than that shit. I can't believe how unobservant I am.

Dr Zibbs said...

Oh my God! Can I be on the TV show???

I was thinking I could run out and smash a pie in your face.

It doesn't sound funny but when it's played back you go run it in fast motion with some sound effects. Then it would be funny.


SkylersDad said...

I think his idea for a homeless sign is brilliant! And can I be on your show when you get it? I would be the animal expert, dress in Khakis, wear a pith helmet, and bring out everyday animals like cats, dogs, and fish.

Whiskeymarie said...

I'll only be your sidekick if I get $20,000/episode, I get to pick my own costumes, I get to make out with guests of my choice, and if top-shelf alcohol is involved.

Who am I kidding? We all know I'd do it just for the booze and the chance to see you wear my bra again.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who slaps on a fake Latin accent when talking to Gwen.

Sass said...

Stony Danza.



O.G. said...

A pet rock named Stony Danza...too funny and more useful than Tony Danza.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm off down the beach to name some pebbles Gwen. There'll be loads of little Gwens down there. Will that earn me a place on the show?

Cora said...

That variety show would be something spectacular! Brilliant idea!

Fancy Schmancy said...

Very funny. Can I be on the variety show, too? I have stupid human tricks I can perform.

H said...

I don't need to be on the show...but can I be the talent coordinator and limo driver? Oh and I will help keep green room stocked and loaded.

H said...

Oh and Stony Danza...quote of the day!!

BeckEye said...

I know what Fran likes in a woman. His penis.

Scope said...

Gwen LIVES a variety show in her head all day anyway. It could be a documentary / variety show. Hollywood is always looking for fusion mash/ups.

pistols at dawn said...

I've found that all the people I grew up with whose parents were happy are all unmarried. Setting a good example just leads to impossibly high standards, it could be argued.

Falwless said...

Stony Danza for the win.

Nice work, Gwen!!! I've been terrible about commenting here lately!

Anonymous said...

If I were homeless, my sign would say:

"If you don't give me a dollar, I will hit you with this sign."