Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Funnier than a banana peel . . . 

More original than the Garden of Eden . . . 

Able to waste your exes with a single card . . . 

She makes cards!

She's insane!

She's SUPER ALISA!!!

People, I am honored to finally introduce the irreverent and honest woman who made my last Pen Pal Project cards: Super Alisa.

I met Super Alisa one wintry Sunday afternoon sitting in this very spot for almost 8 hours, looking at shit on etsy.  More than half that time was spent in her store, snarkycards, because I read every one of the over 100 cards she has for sale, some several times because I kept going back to read them again.  I knew instantly I'd found someone like us and that I needed to share her with you as soon as possible.  I emailed her about buying in bulk; she emailed back; we talked on the phone; I developed a crush on her creativity and before I could stop laughing at this . . .


. . . my order had arrived - a large manila envelope decorated with suggestive pictures cut from magazines (suggestoupage?) and stuffed with these beautifully handpainted, cheeky cards.  I am generally quite lazy but was so excited to share these cards that I think I had them addressed and back in the mail in under two weeks.  (Shut it.  That's fast for me.)

This is Snarky Alisa, in her own words:
I've always told people the brutally honest truth. For most of my life it's gotten me in trouble. But I don't really know how else to be. Saying what's really going on is the only way I know how to deal with things. 

I try to soften it. Sometimes I sing it or put it next to a pretty picture, or give it a cute nickname. "Who's my little passive aggressive cutie-pie?" I coo to deserving friends over the phone. 

Over the years I've noticed that other people don't have the gift I do for saying exactly what is happening. And sometimes it means that they have to have sex with people they dislike for a long time, or hang onto crappy jobs, or confidence-annihilating stress.
So I decided to enable you, the coolest people of the world. So that your interactions are as clear and true and hilarious and uncomfortable as mine often are. And you won't be trapped in a situation you don't like because you can't say how you feel.
And just so you know enabling you has enabled me. Now that all I do is sell brutally honest greeting cards, people expect me to tell the truth. I don't get in trouble anymore. People who spend time with me know what they're getting themselves into. And they dig it. 

I hope my cards help you dump someone not cool enough for you, or confess to pet murder or establish your boyfriends true sexual preference.
And if they don't help you do any of those lofty things, I hope they crack you the f*** up.

To find Snarky Cards physical locations in Portland, or just stalk me better, hit up www.superalisa.com.
My personal favorite.  Duh.

So go!  Go buy some cards from Super Alisa!  I know for a fact I heard ~E Deconstructed say something somewhere about not being able to find R-rated cards when she was doing her own Pen Pal Project.  Well, here ya go: irreverence for every occasion.


29 comments:

words...words...words... said...

These are awesome. It sort of makes me want to make my own.

mo.stoneskin said...

They are simply fabulous.

Shawn said...

That is hilarious. I was sooo laughing and reading them out loud at work!

Awesome!

Scope said...

Oh.my.word.

It's like my buddy, Howard, the man with no filter, has his own greeting card line.

Amanda said...

Those are awesome!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I'm definitely with Wx3 on this. To think FMIR goes on Etsy for the cute plates and shit!

Oh, and I had suspected that you made these yourself, but now I know!

Sass said...

These cards have set the bar for my card buying adventures...and you just can't walk into any card store and find one that says, "Loving you is as close to gay as I want to get."

I'm so glad you found these. They are awesome, and seriously...they are just so...Gwen.

;)

Scandalous Housewife said...

Great find! I love the kids card at the end! I may use the line this weekend...

Char said...

These are the funniest! Just priceless! Thanks for sharing.
LMAO

Dr Zibbs said...

Yeah these are good and I'm keeping the one you sent me.

Cora said...

After I you sent me the one about the spunking on the couch I went running and squealing right on over to Etsy and checked Alisa out!

I mean her cards.

I checked out her CARDS.

Although I have no doubt Alisa is a catch.

But anyway....

She has some of the funniest cards I have ever seen!! GENIUS!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I love them! Maybe I'll send some out for Christmas!

Soda and Candy said...

Awesome!!!

Stacie's Madness said...

hahah, these are great!

Whiskeymarie said...

I love that I have a card on my fridge from you, apologizing for taking a shit on my coffee table.

Truly a hallmark moment (wipes tears of joy from face).

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Holy shit...THOSE ARE AWESOME!!!

F.U.N.N.Y!!

- Jennifer

LegalMist said...

Guess I have to join the chorus of "hilarious!" "awesome!" since I am too brain dead today to think of anything more original.

Unlike these cards, which are very original.

Not to mention hilarious and awesome.

Thanks for sharing! : )

Girl Interrupted said...

Yes, they are hilarious and awesome ... and they make me grind my teeth and want to kick a puppy (not really, RSPCA and PETA if you're reading) for not being that smart, creative or sarcastic myself!

Dammit!

*Scowls and mumbles "Thanks for sharing the coolness, Gwen"*

SkylersDad said...

These are just wonderful!!

Renaissance Woman said...

I have been one of the lucky people to receive these cards from you...and I LOVE IT! Thanks...it did help.

BeckEye said...

Those are hilarious, and I especially love the record collection one. I've been there. Could've used that card.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Gwen, you two were brought together by destiny....hee hee.

~E said...

LMAO!!! You remembered me!!! And gave me a shout out! Awesome!

And I was too busy cracking up at the "maybe, do you go down" card to pay attention to the rest of the post.

Will be purchasing some cards for my collection post haste!

~E said...

P.S. you have my addy for your next pen pal project right?

H said...

Yeah I think I just saw three of these that would work for the shit that went down last weekend. Looks like I am going to owe super A a lot of money.

Suburbia Steph said...

Those are the best fanfuckingtastical cards I've ever seen! Great!

WendyB said...

Highlarious!

Some Guy said...

Bravo, Alisa!

Sir Fontlaroy said...

Irreverence is good! About the Gnome: Leaving him in alabaster stillness would only work if he had a look of shock on his face. I would go with something festive, like a Hawaiian shirt. You could say he went on vacation.

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