Everything I Like Causes Cancer: Being a pimp doesn't make me a bad person

3/02/2010

What's new, pussycat?

Posted by Gwen | Labels: Being a pimp doesn't make me a bad person, Blogstalking, Life is crap without music

As my own blog creativity wanes I get excited when I find it elsewhere. The blogs I'm about to tell you about may not be NEW but they're new to me and that's all that matters when you're scrounging for inspiration and material. (This is where, if this post were a college essay, Dr. Metcalf would have written "Expand on this." but since he doesn't read this (OH DEAR LORD I HOPE HE DOESN'T READ THIS) I don't have to if I don't want to.)

First up, we've got Juz, the Tick on Planet Capri. Juz commented last week and said nice things about EILCC so I checked him out. (Take note of how that works, Lurkey McLurkersons.) The posts are one-frame cartoons of Juz and his mates drinking, recovering from drinking, shopping for drinking . . . you get the idea. But it isn't that one-dimensional; it's cute and clever and refreshingly creative. And it'll make you feel better about your own drinking.

Next up is Kingsley Tang & The Purple Reaction. A local radio station here in The Lou is having a love affair with Eric Clapton's I've Got A Rock N Roll Heart and I heard it twice last week. Both times I was surprised by how happy it made my ears, so I bought it. And then, being slightly obsessed with having to know things about things (Thanks, Pop!), I researched it and ran across a review on The Purple Reaction. I loved the review, so I kept reading. (Sorry, Kingsley, that was me skulking in your archives, not a rabid raccoon.) I really identify with the way KT feels music and his descriptions are so well-written that you can almost taste the songs.

And finally: Promtacular! (tagline: "The Sequins. The Lace. The photographic Evidence.") P! is a collection of terrifically awesome prom pictures that will take you back to high school faster than a DeLorean. As soon as I saw it I sent an email to my high school sweetie and asked his permission to submit a great one of us standing next to his two-tone Firebird. He has a mullet and my chest is flatter than his. He gave me the thumbs up. I'll let you know if we make it into this Hall of Shame.

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5/12/2009

I'm sorry I stole your bike.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: Being a pimp doesn't make me a bad person, Pen Pal Project

Funnier than a banana peel . . .

More original than the Garden of Eden . . .

Able to waste your exes with a single card . . .

She makes cards!

She's insane!

She's SUPER ALISA!!!

People, I am honored to finally introduce the irreverent and honest woman who made my last Pen Pal Project cards: Super Alisa.

I met Super Alisa one wintry Sunday afternoon sitting in this very spot for almost 8 hours, looking at shit on etsy. More than half that time was spent in her store, snarkycards, because I read every one of the over 100 cards she has for sale, some several times because I kept going back to read them again. I knew instantly I'd found someone like us and that I needed to share her with you as soon as possible. I emailed her about buying in bulk; she emailed back; we talked on the phone; I developed a crush on her creativity and before I could stop laughing at this . . .

. . . my order had arrived - a large manila envelope decorated with suggestive pictures cut from magazines (suggestoupage?) and stuffed with these beautifully handpainted, cheeky cards. I am generally quite lazy but was so excited to share these cards that I think I had them addressed and back in the mail in under two weeks. (Shut it. That's fast for me.)

This is Snarky Alisa, in her own words:

I've always told people the brutally honest truth. For most of my life it's gotten me in trouble. But I don't really know how else to be. Saying what's really going on is the only way I know how to deal with things.

I try to soften it. Sometimes I sing it or put it next to a pretty picture, or give it a cute nickname. "Who's my little passive aggressive cutie-pie?" I coo to deserving friends over the phone.

Over the years I've noticed that other people don't have the gift I do for saying exactly what is happening. And sometimes it means that they have to have sex with people they dislike for a long time, or hang onto crappy jobs, or confidence-annihilating stress.

So I decided to enable you, the coolest people of the world. So that your interactions are as clear and true and hilarious and uncomfortable as mine often are. And you won't be trapped in a situation you don't like because you can't say how you feel.

And just so you know enabling you has enabled me. Now that all I do is sell brutally honest greeting cards, people expect me to tell the truth. I don't get in trouble anymore. People who spend time with me know what they're getting themselves into. And they dig it.

I hope my cards help you dump someone not cool enough for you, or confess to pet murder or establish your boyfriends true sexual preference.

And if they don't help you do any of those lofty things, I hope they crack you the f*** up.

To find Snarky Cards physical locations in Portland, or just stalk me better, hit up www.superalisa.com.

My personal favorite. Duh.

So go! Go buy some cards from Super Alisa! I know for a fact I heard ~E Deconstructed say something somewhere about not being able to find R-rated cards when she was doing her own Pen Pal Project. Well, here ya go: irreverence for every occasion.