Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!



I want someone to invent a toilet with a scale in it that will weigh my poo before I flush and send it out to sea.

It would also be sweet if it was programmed to play song clips related to the weight of your submission. For example, let's say you dropped off ten pounds of kids at the pool (I blame the Mexican food) . . . the digital scale would register a whopping ten pounds and then the built-in iPod would play a short clip from Rod Stewart's Young Turks, "Patti gave birth to a ten pound baby boy, yeah!"

That would be awesome.

28 comments:

Mr. Condescending said...

hah I always wondered how much poop weighs. That's so nasty but thought provoking!

The Peach Tart said...

I can't agree more. It would make me feel so much better if I knew I shat a 5 pound deposit after a night of decadent eating and drinking.

Char said...

You kill me! I, however, try not to think about my poop. It is what it is. I'm just happy to have made a deposit!

Jeannie said...

We all have thought it - you were courageous enough to say it!

Imnotbenny said...

I'm pretty sure your plumbing is fucked up, Gwen.

Shit is not supposed to be dumped in the sea.

Dr Zibbs said...

You're immature.

Soda and Candy said...

GWEN!!! Stop telling the boys that we poop, they are not supposed to know!!!

; )

Mr. Condescending said...

Lol @S&C! I always thought that when you girls go to the bathroom you make out with each other and maybe pee or somethin.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I don't know about weight, but it'd be easy enough to do a displacement measurement based on the amount the water rises after you've left the kids down at the pool.

I guess from there you could estimate the weight based off the specific gravity of poop, but someone would have to get a general measurement on that one.

Paging Mike Rowe? Let's get this baby done, Gwen!

SkylersDad said...

I was promised a more high tech world by the time I got this old! Jetpacks, everyone in silver space suits, and just beaming the poop out of my body.

I was lied to!

Sundar said...

How about just weigh yourself before and after? You'd probably need a sensitive scale because poop weight is so small compared to typical human body weight.....hmm..I take that back. I just remembered Taco Bell.

Eric said...

Mjenks has the right idea with displacement, but I was thinking of measuring the entire weight of the toilet (which refills with precise amounts of water each time). A logic circuit would determine when someone sits down, and would 'zero' the scale at this point. After flushing and refilling (again, accurate water measurements, user still on toilet), the difference in weight could then be determined.

words...words...words... said...

This would sell like hotcakes on college campuses, where boys have a fetishistic interest in their poop.

Am I the only one who fantasizes about having the poop of your life and realizing that you just lost 30 pounds and you weren't actually fat, just backed up?

Yeah, probably so.

Girl Interrupted said...

I hope you patented this idea! It's pure gold!

I tried to find other appropriate songs ... but apparently not many artistes feel words like "plop" and "splash" make cool lyrics ... well, except for DMX, who wrote an exceedingly rude song! ... different kind of splashing though :/

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The only problem with Eric's idea is that balances tend to drift from time to time and accurate ones will vary depending on wind speed (how hard you fart) and humidity (in case you've just come from Mr. Wok).

Granted, if we all ate nothing but carrots, we'd poop like rabbits (and presumably have sex like them, too...fluffy tales and all), then we'd have nice, solid poops that wouldn't throw the scales off.

As I see it, that means that we have to go the displacement route. Besides, volumes sound a little more enticing. Wow. That was a half gallon of crap. With a pint of corn!

hiphophippie.com said...

Haha! Freaking hilarious! I smell a Nobel Prize! :)

Suze said...

Honestly Gwen, stop drunk posting would ya?

Gwen said...

Suze: The only drink that went into the creation of this post was coffee.

Scope said...

I will not admit to doing the before / after thing with my digital scale that measures to the 1/10th of a pound. But I will simply state that if you do drop 10 lbs that way, call 911, because your SPINE was attached.

Renaissance Woman said...

LOL...that was a great idea. And I might even run out and stand in line all night to purchase such an invention.

Cora said...

Would it also be able to weigh my pee?

hello haha narf said...

i need to spend a day inside your head.

Gwen said...

Cora: You'd have to ask mjenks or Eric.

Some Guy said...

You are brilliant. You know that, right?

Valerie said...

that would save me time weighing myself before and after I shit

Sandy said...

What a great idea! Now I can prove that I gain more weight than what I actually absorb from my food and disprove the Theory of Conservation of Poo-Mass.

Son of a Thomas said...

Or you could have famous movie quotes.

Scene from Jaws.

Cooper: (Richard Dreyfuss sees shark for the first time) "It's gotta be 20 feet long!"

Quint: 25.

Cora said...

By the way, there's a brand new shiny flashy award for you over on my blog. Enjoy!!

Subscribe