I just spent the last three hours trying to figure out why, no matter where I went, I smelled a funky, musty, poopy odor.
On my way out of the house this morning, AFTER my daily shower, I watered some plants and while doing so I smelled poop. Figuring my friend H had missed a deposit left by her dog on Wednesday night, I dismissed it.
Until I got a mile from the house and smelled it at Quik Trip, where I stop for coffee every morning. At that point I blamed it on River Des Peres, a drainage canal about 2 miles from my house and a mile from Quik Trip that makes the whole area stink to high heaven when the water level gets low.
Until I got to work, about 15 miles from home, and I still smelled it. At that point I panicked and made people in the office smell me. My BFF was the only person who would admit to smelling it and she promptly sprayed me down with cucumber/green tea body spray.
Until I got a mile from the house and smelled it at Quik Trip, where I stop for coffee every morning. At that point I blamed it on River Des Peres, a drainage canal about 2 miles from my house and a mile from Quik Trip that makes the whole area stink to high heaven when the water level gets low.
Until I got to work, about 15 miles from home, and I still smelled it. At that point I panicked and made people in the office smell me. My BFF was the only person who would admit to smelling it and she promptly sprayed me down with cucumber/green tea body spray.
But I could still smell it. I freaked. Googling “why do I smell poop everywhere I go?” only convinced me that I had a brain tumor or, even worse, a funky vagine. Terrified, I made an immediate plan to soak myself for hours in a hot, hot, hot bath of lavender Epsom salts when I got home.
And then, about 11 am, I remembered. When H was over Wednesday night she did a load of laundry and found a wet load in the washer that I had forgotten to dry. We smelled it; it smelled fine, so we threw it in the dryer.
HOWEVER, the shorts I am wearing today were in that load. I am wearing musty drawers. I am marinating in funk. I feel unclean and hideous. I can’t stand myself. I’m tempted to go to Kohl’s at lunch and buy new pants because I don’t think I can deal even though I’ve located the source and have been assured no one else can smell me. Ugh. The only thing I could think of that could make this better was telling you so you could laugh at me.
HOWEVER, the shorts I am wearing today were in that load. I am wearing musty drawers. I am marinating in funk. I feel unclean and hideous. I can’t stand myself. I’m tempted to go to Kohl’s at lunch and buy new pants because I don’t think I can deal even though I’ve located the source and have been assured no one else can smell me. Ugh. The only thing I could think of that could make this better was telling you so you could laugh at me.
28 comments:
Oh! I have an idea! I have a beach towel in my car that has really big, red and blue Hawaiian flowers on it and we could fashion you a skirt out of it. I'm sure it would be adorable on you. It doesn't sink either.
See how good I am to you? I tell you when you smell and I find a cheap solution to the fix the problem.
The words 'funky vagine' made me chuckle...
that's what I liked about working in a hospital- never ending supply of scrubs
you asshole! i'm sitting here gagging at my desk because i know that smell. bad!
Gag. Been there, done that. And, now the clothes have infected everything they have touched and you'll have double the clothes to re-wash. Ugh.
I would definitely go to Kohl's asap.
Peeeeee UUUUUU!
If I were you, I'd just tell everyone I was in heat or something. Yes, I know, I am very weird.
If I typed "I've been there" I'd be lying. if I just laughed my head off for the rest of the day, it would be the most fulfilling thing I did all week.
*begins Ultimate Laugh Session*
So, you were sort of right when you thought it might be the vagine.
I would remove the contaminated drawers, ASAP, even if it meant COMMANDO for the day.
Dammit. *holds nose* I want to read this post, Gwen, I really do. But, there's this eye-watering smell getting in the way!
Gwen has musty draws! Point and laugh everyone!
Seriously though one time I stepped in dog poo and then promptly knelt down and got dog poo on mybum but didn't realise it until I got to work and everyone said I had poo on my bum and it smelled and I was horrified!
Laughing my ass off (and much needed I might add) right now. I cannot tell you how fast I read through this waiting for the "Remy did a nasty in Gwen's house and is never invited over again" line. Thank god it was just musty laundry. Next time we check a little better. ;-)
Thank you for the laugh.
So does this mean you have to change Sally Sweetpants to Mary Mustydrawers? ;-)
H: HAHAHA! Yes, in fact, it does. See above.
Oh my God! I did the same thing once when I was a teacher. I kept smelling funk and kept assuming it was the kids (of course - why wouldn't it be?) and then another teacher I was talking to through a partially opened window smelled it and said "UGH! What is that SMELL?!" and I started to wonder privately is it ME?
I went to the bathroom and sniffed my own drawers like a dog and, yep, there was the funk, right on my own ass - I, too, was a victim of vile laundry!
I thought about going commando, but, nah, I just went home on my lunch break and changed my entire outfit because I just felt too nasty.
((((EMPATHETIC MUSTY HUGS))))
I would just declare the rest of the day "Sans Pants Day" strip and be done with it! If your co-workers dont go along, they have no humor in them.
There once was a girl from St Louis
Whose pants smelled a little bit pooey
Her friends, being kind
Swore that they didn't mind
But actually they really dooey
:P x
lol'ing @ Girl I's comment!!!
Luckily, this has never happened to me...probably because I don't do the laundry. I imagine I would smell that way daily if I did.
Bleurgh, I know that smell.
New knickers, stat!!!
"I’ve located the source and have been assured no one else can smell me."
How do I get that job??????
This has been happening a lot at my house lately. ugh
It was worse when my husband bought some discount detergent balls that I'm convinced cleaned absolutely nothing. I threw them out. He hasn't noticed.
So what did you end up doing, stinky pants!?
Lol@GI's poem!
OMG that cracks me up!
If I ever get a band together, I'm totally stealing the name "Funky Vagine".
Don't go to Kohl's. Just tell everyone who looks at you funny that you have such an awesome social life that you didn't go home last night, and then tell them to fuck off. You'll immediately be the star of your work.
Also, The Musty Drawers would be a great punk band.
And it absolutely does smell like dog doo-doo! I think you have solved a mystery our family has been facing since my last two loads of darks.
Scrubs are the best, I wish I could wear scrubs to work!
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