Everything I Like Causes Cancer

"I'm ready for the show now!"

I think the sober Sunday afternoon drove him to it. Future hosts should know he has a one-drink-per-day minimum and that without it he gets restless.

Shortly after this, Dave and Jodi showed up. As they approached the table I was trying to get a picture of Fernando all drinky and Jodi immediately suggested we crush his head. She and I are now BFF.

"I crush you, you drunk pig! I crush your head!"

Jodi was crushing everything.

The show is fantastically hilarious. There are several times where it's appropriate for them to mention the particular town in which they are currently playing and every time an emotionless voice comes over the PA system and says the town name. For example, when they first came out on stage they apologized for starting late, something about there still being weed in the bong, and then said how happy they were to be in "ST. LOUIS." Hilarity.

It was everything you would expect from them. There were two skits from the TV show. The first was the one where Gavin meets some Jehovas witnesses which ends, if I remember correctly, with a comparison of religion to lottery tickets. In the end it's proposed that a "Scratch and Win Bible" would be a great product. "It's kind of the same thing anyway."

The second one was the one where the Chicken Lady has phone sex. "Gotta get laid!" The sketch ended with feathers and eggs flying out of her nether regions.

If you look closely you can see her creepy chicken feet.

There was ingenious word play, I'm still trying to think of a way to work "absinthe-minded" into a professional conversation.

There was cross dressing and partial nudity.

Look closely. Scott is wearing his "street clothes" a.k.a. no pants.

Buddy Cole does a monologue where he proposes Jesus was a homosexual. Dave and Kevin fought over an imaginary girlfriend, Camille. There were several fabulous time machine sketches. In one Dave uses the time machine to defeat last call at a bar. In another he uses it to continuously get his annual birthday blow job from his wife, played by Bruce. The best, however, has Dave going back in time to kill Hitler but ends up sharing a beer with him and inspiring his hatred of Jews.

Good time, people. Good times.

The encore brought Mr. Tyzik, the headcrusher, on stage with a camera which he used to film himself crushing the heads of audience members.

Little did he know I was simultaneously crushing his head.


The other Kids eventually came out and, one by one, he imitated them while crushing their heads until they fell down dead.


Not one to go down without a fight, Kevin sucked on his finger. Mr. Tyzik eventually won.

The show was great. Because Jeff was officially on vacation we opted to have one more drink "for the ditch" in the Halo Bar, the watering hole attached to the venue. While casually enjoying our drinks Dave Foley came out of nowhere and approached us. I was so star-struck and excited that I don't remember much of our exchange with him. I attribute 100% of this chance meeting to our being in the company of a true Canuck, Jodi. I think there's a magnetic force field, shaped like a maple leaf, that draws them together.

The only part I do remember with clarity is asking him if I could get a picture with "my" pig. He was very gracious about it considering Fernando was pretty drunk and kept slurring, "Kick assth! The lastth cthelebrity I met wasth Lorraine Bracco."

As soon as he walked away we all slapped our foreheads . . . we should've offered to buy him a Molson! D'oh!

It's funny, he didn't seem to stop and talk to anyone else. It was as if he walked in, came straight to us, visited, and then walked right back out the other door. That right there is the definition of kismet.

I had to pack up Fernando Wednesday morning and let me tell you, it was a tough thing to do. I really enjoyed his company. For the most part, he was a considerate and fun houseguest. It was hard to say goodbye.

I miss you, little buddy!