Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Guess I got a little off track with the answering of the reader questions, didn't I? Wasn't it originally my plan to answer two of the total 12 questions every day leading up to the blog-o-versary on July 7? Yeah? Well, at least it lasted three days. I think that's a stick-to-the-announced-plan record for me. Sweet.

So, here we are, the last round of questions before I have to start coming up with things to talk about on my own again. These last three aren't last for any particular reason but I will admit that I kept pushing Whiskeymarie's questions to the back of the line because I wasn't ready to answer the first one. I'm still not sure I am, but I've crafted an answer that responds to the question without unnecessarily smashing my head against the huge emotional wall that precludes me from dating successfully. Don't be alarmed, my issues with dating are average to the point of boring, but I don't have them sorted out enough to discuss them intelligently here. Someday. Maybe.

Here goes nothing:

Any boys in your life right now, in the "romantic" sense? (and by "romantic" I also count drunken make-outs, FYI)

Not right now, although I have dated a couple guys over the past year that I never talked about here. One was a couple years younger than me, a Navy man; another, a couple years older than me, a self-employed hippy nicknamed Daddy.

I never talked about the sailor because I gave him the address to this website the night we met (rookie mistake) and he became a regular reader. We had a protracted relationship because I hadn't yet learned to trust my instincts and move them along when they're not right for me. Lesson learned? Check!

I never talked about Daddy because I really liked him. He knew I had a blog and was interested in it, we even brainstormed over dinner one night for the story I wrote to win MTC #7. (The idea and words were all mine, scout's honor.) By then, however, I had realized that this website is a public diary and wouldn't give up the addy. Not that it would have mattered much if I had given it to him, Daddy was borderline anti-TV/computer. He once spent an hour looking for locations and show times for I'm Not There, using a newspaper. I was incredulous but loved that he didn't mind losing that hour to find the movie that I wanted to see.

Daddy was chivalrous without being clumsy, he brought thoughtful, beautiful, handmade gifts, he always picked just the right thing to do on our dates, he made me laugh, and I was comfortable with him. You may not have noticed, but I am fairly controlling and it was nice to trust someone's judgment enough that I could let go and enjoy the ride. Sadly, right after I got home from Cabo he went to Kentucky for construction work and I haven’t heard from him since. Such is life. Maybe I'll get him back come winter.

A couple weekends ago I met a young entertainer who bears a striking resemblance to Lenny Kravitz during the sexy dreadlocked years. He was interested and asked for my number, only he did it through his little sister. Uh-huh, you heard me, through his little sister. I sent her back to him with a note that said, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." Now, before you get all mad and call me a smart-ass bitch, I also sent my number back on the same note. He checked yes, but hasn't called and I'm totally cool with it. Not sure someone who uses his sister as dating conduit has enough chutzpah for me.

But I’ll be sure to dish the scoop on anyone new, assuming I don't drunkenly brag about my website, like him, or scare him away before there's a story to tell. Go me!

Also, are you naturally that tan?

Ah, no. I started tanning in March, preparing for a week in the sun in Cabo. Then I spent a week in the sun in Cabo. And then I forgot to freeze my tanning account by the first of the month deadline, so I've been using it once every couple weeks just so I'm not wasting my money. Lazy and cheap, my personal Catch-22.


And, coffee or tea?

Both. I have one cup of coffee every morning. I use a lot of sugar and cream because I like my coffee like I like my women, tan and sweet.

That said, being raised on the northern border of The South I know how to make a batch of homemade sweet tea that will quench any thirst and make you moan. Should I add that to my dating resume?

Oh, and- have you ever picked your nose so ferociously that it hurt?

One word: nosebleeds. Or is that two words? Whatever, you get the bloody idea.

One more thing: Have you ever sneezed and farted at the same time?

Of course. It surprises me every time. I also sometimes fart on every step as I go upstairs for bed. It's hard to fall asleep when you've got the death giggles.

Fart is such a great word, innocently naughty and yet still hilarious. My great-grandma Sarah giggled every time someone said it, and she had 10 kids.

From the sheer number of party pictures that get posted here one might assume that my drinking is wanton. Not so. I am a surprisingly picky drinker. I like:

• Jack and Coke
• Bacardi Limon and lemonade
• Cider beers, like Woodchuck, K, Strongbow
• Riesling, or other sweet white wines

As you can see, I'm a fan of sugar. Just this summer I invented a new drink I've named The Gwentini. It’s Bacardi Limon and pomegranate lemonade. It's delicious! And has antioxidants!

And here we are, at the end of the questions. Putting the issue of my unders to bed, my good and in-real-life friend Heathybear asks,

Really. No underwear unless with a skirt. When I do wear underwear I wear Hanes' barely there brand. I like them because they stay where they’re supposed to and they are seamless and tagless.