Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

So a couple guys are out there today telling the world they've found Bigfoot. Their website, http://www.searchingforbigfoot.com/, includes a picture of what they claim to be the body of one of these creatures.

Statistics on the Squatch body include:

  • The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.
  • It weighs over five hundred pounds.
  • The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.
  • It is male. (Can you even imagine the size of that thing? Yowza.)
  • It has reddish hair and blackish-grey eyes.
  • It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot.
  • The feet are flat and similar to human feet.
  • Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel. (More evidence of it's size, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.)
  • From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide.
  • The creatures walk upright. Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.
  • The teeth are more human-like than ape-like. (All the better to eat you with, my dear.)
  • DNA tests are currently being done and the current DNA and photo evidence will be presented at the press conference on Friday, August 15th.
Speaking of this press conference tomorrow . . . I think I have some California readers out there. If you're there, I am begging . . . on bended knee pleading . . . please, please, please attend this fiasco for me. Take cameras and tape recorders and anything else you can get your hands on to record the event, just please come back and tell me EVERYTHING.

Also, I'm starting to worry that the body in the freezer is Dr. Zibbs. I can totally see him donning a gorilla suit and wandering around the woods in Georgia just to mess with these guys. Has anyone heard from him lately?

Doc? You out there? Answer me so I know you're not in some freezer in Georgia!


Dr Zibbs said...

As an expert on all things Sassy (Sasquatch to us experts), Sassy only exists in the heart of anyone that believes in love and a little bit of magic - oh wait - that's Santa.
Side note: His shaft wouldn't necessarily be large as the mountain gorrilla has a bird the size of a human thumb. It's a fact.

Gwen said...

Dr. Zibbs: OH THANK GOD! YOU'RE ALIVE! I was really worried. That's too bad about his wanker. Maybe the human half of his DNA prevails enough that he has a biggun.

Renaissance Woman said...

Can't wait to hear everything as well!

pistols at dawn said...

If it's on the internet, it must be true.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I can't help but wonder how angry their wives were upon learning these men had thrown out pefectly good hot pockets and deer jerky and hogged the deep freezer with a Bigfoot carcass.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I'm not sure if I'm falling for this. My Uncle Daryl has been missing for a week. And the body description is identical.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've been following this for a while. There have been times when the website of the Georgia group has had at the bottom "For entertainment purposes only."

Also, when they tried to freeze the body, they shoved it into a chest freezer and filled the freezer with water so that it'd be saved inside a block of ice. That is hardcore hillbilly right there. Apparently (surprise!) the water caused the freezer to short (wow!) and so some of the gorilla suit...er...body...caught fire. Now...who's up for some NASCAR?

MelO said...

I like 'em big too, gwen! ;) Have so much fun this weekend!!

H said...

Whatevah...sounds like my last boyfriend. He was always passing out in the woods.

Darrin said...

Didn't that picture they showed the press look like Harry from Harry and The Hendersons?!?