Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

After I hit publish yesterday I realized that I had FAILed to express just how fucking funny these friends of mine are and before I post the second half of the weekend run-down I thought I should show you. The following is an impromptu email exchange that occurred while we were planning this most recent gathering.

Monday, July 21:

Nic: Hello, all. Sorry for the delay, but I was unsure whether or not I could make it. I can’t, since I will be in India during the party. Yes, I know you all will be surprised, but I am traveling to the Land of Mysterious Dots to pick up my new bride, Lakshima. She is the 18 year old bisexual nymphomaniac supermodel daughter of a wealthy brewery owner, and she is a huge Cardinal fan. We were simply a match made in Bangalore heaven. And all for less than the cost of a Subaru! Enjoy yourselves and don’t get arrested since I’m not there to bail you out.

(Nic is the attorney in the group. Over time we’ve all given him a dollar just for the protection of attorney-client privilege.)

Me: Are you getting married there or having a ceremony here when you get back? Are we invited? Do you have pictures?

Nic: I’m buying her from her family there, and then we’ll have a little something at the “adult club” upon our return. Feel free to attend.

On Friday, July 25 I saw an article in the paper about a bombing in Bangalore and the hilarity continued:

Me: You be careful over there in Bangalore.

Nic: As if the hepatitis, polio, tetanus, typhoid shots and malaria medicine didn't freak me out enough! I may come back with diseases that even I haven't had ... Now I have to worry about these knucklefucks.

Me: Don't forget to get your dengue vaccination.

Laughlin: I don't know who you all think you’re conversing with but I'd wager that the people of Bangalore are more scared of catching something from Nic than he is of them! Statistically speaking.....they have more cause for concern.

Me: Oh, snap! Maybe I should email Bangalore and remind them to get their STD shots.

Laughlin: I'd also recommend full body condoms

Nic: Oh grow up. I've never had sex with an entire city. Ok, there was Moline, '92, but that shouldn't count. They were begging for it.

Laughlin: That would explain all those funny looks when I went through there wearing my "I've loved Nic, have you?" shirt. Rumor has it there a reunion tour being planned. Confirm or deny.

Me: As I recall, God's vengeance rained down on the area in 1993 with a flood the likes of which hadn't been seen in 100 years. Chance? I think not.

Laughlin: That would mean that he was there last year as well then. Apparently God lost track of the hundred year thing and decided, what the fuck....dowse em' at least once a decade!

Biloz: Exactly - that region has been referred to as the tri-cities ever since.

Laughlin: Rumor I heard was that they were going to rename them the "Are you bi cities?" and have Nic hit them two at a time.

Me: Hey! I didn't get a shirt. I'm going to make one: "I slept with Nic and all I got was this stupid t-shirt and a funny itch. Wait, there was also some burning."

Laughlin: Thank god your chest is big enough to accommodate all that.

Me: LOLOLOLOL! Good one. You are ON today!

Laughlin: Thanks walleye*. Always nice to know your work is appreciated.

* They sometimes call me walleye because my left nipple veers to the far left.


Mo said...

Good god! A nipple can veer? To the far left? Jesus!
I'm not getting out of bed today.

Falwless said...

Too funny, Walleye!

McGone said...

I hope Pixar makes an animated movie about you called "Wall•Eye"

Renaissance Woman said...

Very funny! Walleye

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Very funny. I'm glad you hung on to this exchange as evidence.

Dr Zibbs said...

Please post about the veering nipple. According to a National Lampoon article years ago, that's called a "Wacky Wafer". Not to be confused with "Pumper nipples" or "Olives with Pimentos".

Dr Zibbs said...

Also, look at this crew of perverted readers. Everyone has to comment on the nipple. OK, gotta go. I have an important post to construct on the ways dicks hang.

Falwless said...

hahahahaha @ dr. z

hello haha narf said...

ok, are you being funny or are walleye and the wonky nipple true?
coz i am amazed over here.
and i forgot everything else that i wanted to say!

Stacie said...

hahaha, you all are hilarious!

Dr Zibbs said...

OK.Now you've got me thinking. Do you mean it POINTS ot the left? Is it obvious through sweaters or just tee shirts? Is it ever exposed? Does the one on the right get jealous and bitter of it's own normalcy? These questions must be answered in a full post. Hopefully with pictures or at least grapefruits with - perhaps tacks - acting as said nippleage.

Dr Zibbs said...

And one more thing. Maybe, but not promising, I'll post a drawing of the skill I have as the "human towel rack"...IF..(pause)...you know what I mean.

H said...

Oh Gwen I think you have to share now...cause Oh, It's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue! Plus I want to see the "human towel rack". Negotiate!

Gwen said...

Oh, you people and your fascination with my nipple defect! You kill me. Especially you, Zibbs. I love that you just can't stop thinking about it.

I can't have it being said that I don't listen and/or respond to my fans, so yes, I will soon post more about the nipple, including an explanation and some sort of demonstration of its placement.

Don't go getting all excited, though, I will not ever show any of my pink parts on this website.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Hey Walleye...You don't explain this issue you have, very well. I've personally called all of your readers and we're in agreement that this should be a Show-and-Tell event

H said...

Hold out for Playboy Gwen!!

Dr Zibbs said...

Just checking in...nope, no pointing nipple yet. I guess you've figured out now that I have an obsession with nipples. It's a fact.

pistols at dawn said...

Note to self: if you end the post with nipple talk, no one will remember anything else you wrote about. Except me - I remember that Moline is a trollop.