Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

I am surprised by the amount of interest garnered by my wonky left nipple yesterday. I shouldn't be, I do actually know you people, but still. Sheesh. I promise all of your questions will be answered soon. Patience is a virtue.

In the meantime, I'm going to finish my story about Chicago. Oh, come on! You better not be clicking away right now. I mean it. You want nipple? Yeah? Then finish this post. You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat, monkeys.

* * *

On Saturday we, the Laughlins and I, drove over (up? both? who the eff knows?) to Wonder Lake, an idyllic place that I think would be more appropriately named Wonder-Where-The-Hell-I-Am Lake. Seriously, this place is so remote that I suspected the Laughlins were plotting to drop me in the woods and leave me there. It could happen.

It had been a long time since I'd been anywhere so green and open and lush. It was beautiful . . . and serene.

There's a creek, at the bottom of the hill behind the house, that runs all the way to the lake, so the bank was lined with paddle boats and kayaks and jet skis and boats. The kids had a ball playing in the water.

They recently built an addition that is a sharp, modern contrast to the warm lodginess of the house. The addition acts as both a work-out and music room. The guys went in there almost immediately after dinner and played and jammed until well after midnight.

John is sporting the latest in men's fashion, the plastic clam shell bra. I gave a pair to each of the guys and only John wore his. He's my favorite.

Here are Robin and Cindy, two of the neighbors. These gals are polar opposites, you can tell by just looking at them. Robin, wearing the blue sweatshirt, well, let's just say this was not her shining moment of the evening. When I first met her, an hour or so prior to this photo, she gave a good first impression, she seemed energetic and fun. And then the next time I saw her, pictured above, she was loudly trying to badger Cindy into going out on a boat with her. She was not a very good advocate for hershelf, conshiderinnnn her speesch annn all.

Cindy, a character in her own right, repeatedly refused and became more inventive each time. It was so funny (uncomfortable) to watch that I pulled up a chair and took in the show. I couldn't believe I hadn't even had to pay admisshhion.

Speaking of not paying admission for a great show, let's go back to Cindy for a minute. Super friendly gal. Funny, engaging, pleasant. So when she asked me if I wanted to take a tour of her house I was flattered to have been asked. I've since named this chapter in my life "The Cindysperience"; everyone should have one.

The house, a forty year old* A-frame, has lots of interesting features: a spiral staircase; a shower installed along one leg of the "A" such that no one can stand up in it; and outdoor laundry. You could tell Cindy was proud of the eccentricity of her home and was delighted that we were interested in its colorful stories.

One of those stories centered around a bat that had once gotten into the house. As she told the story she darted from one end of the living room to the other, hurriedly describing and reenacting the story, using different voices for each character. It was a scream. The best part was being there with Jeannie, a stoic woman jammed-packed with biting and hilarious sarcasm. I found myself edging farther and farther away from them so I could see the entire exchange - Cindy breathless and darting; Jeannie observing and biting her tongue. It was priceless.

Late, and I mean really late, John and I realized we had forgotten to do something. Something really important. Something we had looked forward to all day. Know what it was?

Yup, we burned another Christmas tree. Only this time we are 10x drunker and forget that the camera is on.

BTW, Doobie is John's dog.

Have a great Friday, monkeys! I won't be around this afternoon, the office is going bowling! See ya'!

* I'm only 75% sure of this figure. I was drunk and trying to act cool so I'm a little fuzzy on the more intricate details.


Falwless said...

Okay, I made it through this post. Now where's my nipple pictures?


Have fun bowling, dahling! Try to break 80! (That's always my goal)

Dr Zibbs said...

When I saw: "TITles are the HARDEST PART" I thought, this has to be code for wackey wafer nipple post (Look at the capital letters above. A few other notes. I love the sexy voice AND the "That's what she said" which I say ALL the time and I will argue to the death with anyone that it's the only joke that NEVER gets old. Also, did they not have paper at this house? Where's the picture of Santa you were going to put in the branches of the burning tree?
Love these vids, I have to put some up.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Hey Walleye,

Show us some pictures of the fish you caught. No one goes to a river, and doesn't go fishing.

RW said...


MelO said...

Beautiful pics of the greenery! I can't wait until I get home so I can listen to the debauchery that is you and your drunken friends burning a tree...
I love the Pink Floyd reference, btw. ;)

Mo said...

I'll forgive you for the lack of end post nipplage since the other pictures were so purty.

The bat story reminded me of the time in grade school when I hadn't done my chores (the dishes) for a few days, and when I finally got around to them, I found that a bat had drowned in the scary liquid smoodge festering in the bottom of a cereal bowl. Um...yeah. Pretty gross. And sad. And embarrassing that my deplorable housekeeping skills are actually a danger to the ecosystem.

hello haha narf said...

my machine is fighting with me and won't play the frikken video. rrrrrrrrr!

so glad you had a terrific trip. love how fun follows you. :)

bowling with the office, eh? try not to let anyone get hurt.

ok, i'm going to sit patiently and wait to see your nipple post. i put mine on my site all the time. one time won't hurt cha!

Renaissance Woman said...

Bowling...love it! That is going to be fun. Still waiting for the real story!

LM said...

How is it exactly that you forgot you were filming when you kept referencing that it's being taped? Were you drunk when you poseted this?

LM said...

Sorry about the typo. POSTED. There, I feel better.

Laugh said...

You call that burning a Xmas tree. Looks like a damned wounded camel to me!

pistols at dawn said...

As someone with a mental disorder causing me to believe that bats are always chasing me, I was not amused by her recreation.

hello haha narf said...

ok, finally got to see the video. wahoo!

i wanna burn a christmas tree.

although not in my house accidentally coz i am now seeing how one would lose EVERYTHING if that fucker caught inside. sheesh.