Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

I apologize.  The persistent negativity this week is unintentional.  It would appear that I'm having my period but I assure you I am not, it's just the material that has presented itself.  I'm sure things will brighten up soon.  In the meantime, here's the latest thing I want to ridicule:

Another stupid effing Hummer.  Now I wouldn't bore you with just any run-of-the-mill gas guzzling piece of shit - there's no fun in that and I really don't have the time - no, the Hummers I gather for you will always be special.  Like you.

Today's Hummer is brought to you by the lift kit.  Uh-huh.  A lift kit.

For those of you who didn't grow up where the truck reigns supreme whenever testosterone is involved, a lift kit "
(also referred to as lift kits or leveling kits) enable(s) steeper ascent, descent and breakover angles, higher ground clearance, and helps accommodate larger rims and tires."  Which is great, if you live 2,000 miles from nowhere in Outdoorsville, Rough Terrain, but what the hell does some preppy-assed suburban guy named Stew need with one?  He doesn't.

Look how much taller this thing is than a normal car.  Douchebag.

Also, I promise that my vehicle was stopped every time I took these pictures.  It was raining for cripes' sake, I'm not suicidal.


Dr Zibbs said...

I want a picture of the pride on Stew's face when he completed the job and showed his first buddy. Frickin' Stew.

MelO said...

Seriously?! You couldn't make this stuff up, Gwen... It's not JUST the gas guzzling Hummer that bothers me so much... I mean, WHY oh WHY do these douchebags have to buy it in yellow? YELLOW? Really?! Yellow?


hello haha narf said...

wait until you see the photo i am about to send to you. me thinks someone is even more insane than your douchebag.

giggling just thinking about it!


McGone said...

Maybe the lift kit is there to help hoist kegs into the Hummer. Did you think of that?

Amanda said...

I bet he's short.

Mo said...

I don't know, those Sears parking lots can be wilder than an African savanna at dusk.

Or that guy's just a total asshat.

Renaissance Woman said...

I so agree! I thought that the life kits went away in the 80's. It's just that type of week. Hoping for brighter days for all!

Falwless said...

I have a lift kit on my Yugo. Shut the hell up.

surviving myself said...

I want a picture of the driver. I'm thinking spiked, gelled hair with a wife beater and a gold chain. You know, Staten Island style.

Whiskeymarie said...

Hummer = small penis and/or impotent and/or closeted and/or anger issues.

But, for the record,
Hummer ALWAYS = Gigantic Douche.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I hope you never see me in my Civic

With curb feelers

And a Spoiler

LM said...

I think that black bar on the license plate says it all...it's a fashion DON'T.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

This person has a very tiny pee-pee.

I used to work with guys that had to have all this gear on thier vehicles and would spend nauseating amounts of money to trick out their trucks and then I had to listen to them bitch and moan about child support payments. Oh, boo-hoo.
Douchebaggery indeed.

Also - there's a big giant brand new monster truck in the parking lot at my work that I walk by every morning, with a big soap written "For Sale" sign on the back window. Good luck with that buddy.

mike said...

Gwen, as you so eloquently wrote in one of my posts, being different makes the world gay or something; I don't remember. The point is, I love trucks with lift kits, and big ole monster tires. But I agree with Melo Yellow, the color sucks. Funny stuff tho' especially the middle picture. Is that one eye level from your car?

RW said...

Did I tell you about fuh2.com ? I think I told you about fuh2.com didn't I?

You'd love it. Unless you were already there. In which case use present tense.

BTW I kept reading "lift kift" - why?

Anonymous said...

Get a hummer YES!

Driver a Hummer NO!

Jon said...

Haha... that thing looks like a Short Bus.

Confession time: I almost considered thinking about buying a Hummer once, but then at the last minute something smacked me in the forehead. Maybe the voice of reason, maybe my wife. I don't know. But either way, I'm SO glad I never bought it.

WendyB said...

That thing is oogly.

Lyla Lou said...

I dated a guy named Stew who drove a ridiculous bright yellow Jeep with huge tires. If that wasn't embarassing enough he put one of those "Go topless" stickers across the top.

Everyone has a 'Most embarassing moment' story. I have a most embarassing relationship story.

words words words said...

When I saw "lift kit", I thought maybe I could find some help for my problem. But alas, you were talking about trucks.