Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

When I got out of the shower yesterday morning I saw the little envelope thing on my cellphone that means I have a text message. I thought it was weird because I'd had my phone with me all morning but after I opened the message I knew why I hadn't heard anything . . . it came in at 11:37 pm . . . on a Sunday night.

I don't know about you crazy nightbirds but I'm in bed, asleep, at 11:37 on a Sunday night.  I easily deduced this person didn't know me well.  I also knew, by the area code, that the call was coming from central/southern Illinois, but those two facts did little for my memory of this person who had only said, "Hey remember me?"

I hate this kind of coy bullshit game so when I got to the office I replied, "I might if you gave me a name."

The rest of the exchange went like this:

10:14 am, Mysery person:  Lol. herez a hint. we banged each otherz brains out.

Immediately upon receipt, Me:  I find that hard to believe and am not amused.

10:58 am, MP:  OMG. relax. it’s Gerry. should I delete u?

Gerry is a guy I met once . . . in March . . . with a group of people.  Yeah.  I tell ya, I was pissed.  Who talks like that to a woman they met once?

Wait, it gets better.

1:09 PM, Gerry:  Sorry.  was just flirtin. i’ll leave ya alone.

Yes, monkeys, Gerry and I had an entire relationship in one day:  we introduced ourselves . . . someone was inappropriate . . . someone else set a boundary . . . someone got his feelings hurt . . . and quicker than a 24-hour flu, it was over.

You said you wanted to hear all about my love life.  Well, there you have it.  Maybe I'll just get myself one of these:And if you don't know why this picture is funny?  Well, other than the creepy upper right quadrant of what appears to be a stuffed man copping a feel, then shame on you for not reading yesterday.  I suggest you get your asses down there and read it.  Since you're late, be sure to comment.  Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Millions of questions but I'll only ask 1; Do they sell other pajama tops in case you are a drooler?

Renaissance Woman said...

Okay...the arm thing is a bit to much for me to imagine. Like you...I sleep alone, and if the half a body pillow is my only option than I guess I will continue to sleep alone!

And good for you girl! Gerry is an idiot and lost his mind. Stupid Gerry!

-R- said...

Gerry sounds gross. I say stick to the creepy pillow. High five, squishy half mannequin man, high five!

Stacie said...

he IS a moron!

Dr Zibbs said...

I just got off the phone with Gerry. I asked him what you meant by "someone set boundries" He said the "boundry" was anywhere South of your belly button.

H said...

Gwen - just wait until a 48 yr old manchild leaves a message asking if he can put "his weenie into your girl hole".

I was swept off my feet.

Can I have Gerry's number?? He sounds like he might have at least reached puberty.

On second thought...I will remain single and in love with my vibrator and my "hug me pillow".

Peazzze out

Amanda said...

...and I wasn't aware that grown adults used textese in real life. I thought it was an urban myth.

liberalmudhen said...

- A retarded doofus who uses a "z" in place of "'s" and thinks "banged" is courting language

- Miss Whinykins complaining about a 11:37pm text (on a school night!)

I just don't have a dog in this fight. Sigh.

liberalmudhen said...

- A retarded doofus who uses a "z" in place of "'s" and thinks "banged" is courting language

- Miss Whinykins complaining about a 11:37pm text (on a school night!)

I just don't have a dog in this fight. Sigh.

Amy and Jeff said...

Gerry sounds like a real catch. Why did you let him go Gwen??

Avitable said...

I do wonder if that hand gives good handjobs.

hello haha narf said...

gerry is quite the douchbag, eh?
please tell me you told him to delete you...sorry, u.

Winter said...

Creepy, but sweet in a stalkerish sort of way..

Gwen said...

-R-: I loved that you went back to one of yesterday's quotes. You made me laugh!

Zibbs: He would say that.

H: I remember that guy! Gerry is a Prince in comparison.

Amanda: His partial textspeak was partially the problem.

Mudhen: Are you serious? You consider guess-my-identity games and aggressive sexual references equal to my complaints? Whatever, dude, whatever.

hello: Actually, the only good response to a bullshit question like that is to ignore it. If you say yes, you're a bitch; if you say no, it's an invitation for further harassment. I'm ignoring him.

Falwless said...

Gerry sounds hot. Wow. Move over Jon.

Moe Wanchuk said...

What is wrong with you Gwen?????
If some chick texted me at 11:30pm cuz she wanted to get in my pants...I'd be on the midnight flight to her house. I'd arrive at her house at 6am....Throw it at her...then be back at the airport for the 6:30am flight home.

pistols at dawn said...

I've always thought I was straight, but if Gerry ever came at me with that tight romance science, I'd be gerrymandering my sexuality to include him in any way possible.

Gwen said...

Fal: I haven't deleted the messages yet. Want his number?

Moe: I freakin love you, man . . . throw it at her . . .

P@D: I want to somehow make this comment a permanent part of my blog.

Eric said...

And at 1:10 PM, after clearing the message buffer, I slipped Gerry's phone back on his desk.

The perfect crime.

(insert evil laugh here)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

What did you do to poor, sweet Gerry? Obviously he's willing to forgive you and get back to bangin'. When's the wedding?

mike said...

That picture is still funny today. You should see where she has the other one. (ask Gerry, he knows)

othurme said...

Gerry is giving Jerries everywhere a bad name. It makes me want to run him over in lifted Hummer.

What kind of moron spells Jerry with a G.

words words words said...

Using Z instead of S without irony makes someone instantly un-bangable. So does having the name "Gerry". He's in for a rough ride.

I'm also now considering a side career hiring myself out as a Hug Me Pillow. I'm warmer than fabric and much scarier to intruders.