Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Little BRR was working hard browsing Overstock.com the other day and ran across this extremely odd item, the Hug Me Pillow. This creepily prosthetic pillow is designed to simulate the arm of a real man, namely Brad Pitt. I will grant you that Brad Pitt has a nice arm but it isn't the part of him I want to cuddle with, if you know what I mean.


She emailed me the link to the ad with instructions to read the reviews. We had so much fun laughing at them that I nearly hyperventilated. I've pulled the best ones for your enjoyment.


1

Anonymous from Alaska: If this pile of fabric "exceeded even (your) wildest expectations" you might want to dream bigger. You're from Alaska, fashion yourself after Sarah Palin. She's just a "hockey mom" and look where she ended up. You can do better than this.


11

Wait a minute. I thought this thing was supposed to be fashioned after Brad Pitt, not Jeff Bridges. Although I think a pillow fashioned after The Dude would provide a more peaceful night's sleep: Brad's always
starting or ending or coordinating some sort of fight - not restful - while The Dude is a lazy time-wasting slacker.


10

Jesus, woman, you are one supremely high-maintenance bitch. I bet your husband's glad you got this pillow so he has a shield against your constant complaining. You might want to check yourself before he uses Brad's bolstered hands to suffocate you in your sleep. I'm pretty sure a jury of his peers would let him off.


9

Ewwww. You put your feet in a guy's crotchal region to warm them up? Socks, honey, try socks. Unless, of course, you're a
podophiliac, and in that case your pillow should have been fashioned after Ben Affleck.


8

OMG!!!! YOU NEED TO STOP YELLING!!!!! OVERSTOCK IS A VERY QUIET STORE, LIKE THE LIBRARY! And for realsies? If you'd get some self-esteem and stop coercing your cats, you might actually be able to get a man in there. (
Hmmmmmm, note to self . . . )



6

Isn't it funny that Sleepless but Godly is from "Virgin"ia? Poor girl would sleep better if she got some. I know that I am out like a light after a good roll in the hay, praise the Lord.


5

Um, ghost7? Do you and your sister
live in the attic of your grandma's mansion? Because what the hell are the two of you doing when she visits that warrants a "wink, wink"? Gross.


4

This one brings me to a point that needs made . . . most of my married friends rejoice when their significant other is out of town because they get the bed all to themselves and will have a uninterrupted night's sleep. Some even talk at length about moving to separate rooms to get away from the snoring, blanket-stealing, bed-hogging bastard with whom they share a bed, so tell me again what purpose this creepy pillow serves . . .


3

I don't believe that you even have a man, SoLonely555. I can think of a lot of things that would do a better job of replacing a man when he's out of town than this awkward little pillow. Then there's the matter of your screen name - kind of gives it away - but it's mostly that you are excited about dressing your pillow in different outfits.


2

Hold up. You're too big for a pillow? I think I might have just solved your problem, Cute But Not Comfy. Try
one of these instead.


12

SoLonely555? Is that you again? The Overstock reviews are not personal ads, hon. Try Craig's List, look in the casual encounters.

25 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

I bought a labia majora pillow last year at Overstock. Here's the feedback I left:

"I love the Labia Majora pillow! It's utterly delightful. I was going to get the Labia Minora and work my way up to the larger lips, but I was feeling a bit dangerous when I ordered. I was kind of drunk when I purchased and didn't read all of the copy so when it arrived and it was 50 times larger than a NORMAL sized labia majora I was surprised and delighted. And anyway, who am I to say what is "normal size" anyway. My apology to any giants I've offended. SIGNED Dr Sbbiz"

McGone said...

I'm curious about the people who took the time to rank these reviews as "helpful."

RW said...

Oh great. This and a dildo and we'll be obsolete...

Dolce said...

Wow! I've seen this pillow before and didn't think anyone would but it, but for it to "exceed wildest expectations" I'm floored!

Some Guy said...

I take mine everywhere! Baseball games. Dinner and a movie. Church. People stare, but they just don't understand the love that me and my stuffed arm share. It is a love that transcends time and space.

Moe Wanchuk said...

where do you plug it in?

Little Brr said...

"I have never spooned before until I received my new fluffy companion." Dood. Spooning is so overrated! Wonder what kind of review she gave after purchasing her first vibrator? Seriously, this pillow should have been coined "Reach Around" or "Brad Pitt Touched My Boob! Now, you can enjoy his soft hand on one tit, too!"

Tricia said...

I think I'd die if I had this pillow! I don't mind a bit of cuddling (2-5 minutes max) once in awhile BUT never for sleeping. Once it's time to sleep - get on your own side please dear and try not to touch me while I'm sleeping as I find that fucking annoying! LOL

Frequently hubs falls asleep on the sofa on a Friday or Saturday night and I leave him out there and spread out taking the entire bed for myself! Pure pleasure.

Wizard Cat said...

Holy Shit! I think I'm headed up to Virginia for some "godliness", if you know what I mean. And then I think I'll head out to Tucson because...well...um...ah, Jesus, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you? I'm curious. There! Are you happy???

hello haha narf said...

oh my fuck, this was entirely too funny. and scary. all at the same time.

Dr Zibbs said...

Including mine, these are some great comments. I just needed to come back and read this post again. You're on a roll!

Falwless said...

Oh shit, this was hilarious. Best post I've seen in weeks! Pure comedy gold. Fuck, I wish I had seen this first. Brilliant, lady, brilliant! I'm laughing too hard. I effing loved SleeplessButGodly and SoLonely555. Maaaan.

Johnny B said...

It's that last review that scares me most - my relatives are from Endicott, NY. Personally, I prefer the Phyllis Diller Big Toe pillow. When my wife's away, Phyllis plugs my mudmaker with her toe just like my Honey does. Praise the Lord!

Keeper Of All Things said...

OMFG!!!!!
Wait trying to catch my breath.....
too f--kin funny!!!!

Anonymous said...

Damn the luck...
I sleep on the right side of the bed.

Mo said...

Holy jesus, I almost peed in my chair reading this. "Exceeded even my wildest expectations"? What the hell??? Who are these people? And the woman who was handed her self worth back by a one armed pillow? Um... *shaking head sorrowfully*

Narm said...

Does it come in both Old Spice AND Right Guard scents?

pistols at dawn said...

I want a female pillow that will leave after the 8 seconds I need her for. Do they sell that?

Amanda said...

Just found your blog... thanks for the laughs. That is one goldmine pillow. Those poor, poor women.

Adding you to my reader.

MelO said...

OMFG! bwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!! This is tooooo funny!!

What's with MORE THAN ONE person complaining about wanting different pillow cases or 'outfits' for the arm? What the...?

Eric said...

I think I know why "Self-esteem" was so happy. She must have been thrilled not to have to go thru the hassle of luring railroad bums home, killing them, quartering them, only to deal with the bloody mess they made on the sheets.

And for the gal wanting additional pillow cases? Oh, thinking outside the box here… to cover a torso… a shirt maybe? Gadzooks, where in the world would you find a man's shirt? Can't rummage thru "Self-Esteems" trash, all those are too messy.

Gives the phrase "body pillow" a whole gnu meaning, though.

wishcake said...

Oh my gosh. This is the most hilarious thing ever! I adore your commentary. Seriously.

My favorite reviewer is the one who wrote, "Now I don't have to force my cats to sleep with me!"

The cats are most likely totally pumped now. They're all, "Thank you meow. Thank you."

poobomber said...

Is the part you want to cuddle with of Brad Pitt - his armpitt?

Heee

words words words said...

I'm pretty sure this must be what drove Brad Pitt to marry that crazy lady and try to adopt the entire It's A Small World ride.

Scope said...

Gwen, I posted my follow-up to this over here:
http://scope-tech.blogspot.com/2009/01/on-pillow-case.html

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