Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


I can have manners.

Posted by Gwen |

I see a lot of odd things. I don't know if I see them because I am drawn to odd things, or if odd things are drawn to me, or if I just pay more attention to what is going on around me, but I feel like I see more than the average person's alottment of odd things. I do my best to capture these things for you: mullets, celebrities, gay pride parades, gas-guzzling wienie boys, irritating billboards, beautiful things and butt paste.

I don't mind pushing the boundaries of appropriate behavior to get these shots. Over the last year I have made u-turns, fiddled with my camera while driving, and nonchalantly grabbed a quick shot on the fly in order to capture something y'all just have to see, but there have been times when I simply could not take a picture. Times when the most basic respect for privacy demanded that I put the camera back in my purse. It doesn't happen very often, but in these instances I take notes on whatever is handy, like this old shopping list I found while cleaning my office this weekend*:

(The grocery list does not end in "porn" lemonade. It's "pom" lemonade, like pomegranate, you dirty monkeys.)

As you can see, I was out and about in the world running errands, picking up two pounds of hashbrowns, fish sticks, tater tots, and cheez whiz, a diet which just may explain the need for a new toilet paper holder. I remember rounding the corner into the parking lot of Lowe's and seeing a gal (?) standing by the entrance doors, enjoying a cigarette. Her body shape was so odd it screamed, "Look at me!" Imagine a ball with arms and legs. My oddball radar started sounding the alarm, giving me the lights AND the bells.

I parked my car and walked toward the store, watching her every move. She was facing the parking lot and yelling in a rough, gravelly voice at someone I couldn't see. As I got closer I could see that she was missing a bra and an alarming number of teeth.

But the best part? Printed across her severely faded and stretched-out-of-shape t-shirt was the word "TRAINER." I shit you not, "TRAINER." I was twitching trying to contain myself, but I simply couldn't get the shot without being a complete asshole.

See? Manners.

* I cleaned out every cabinet and shelf in it. I threw out, recycled and shredded so much old junk that I was able to make room for my yearbooks, photo albums and scrapbooks. What does this mean for you, monkeys? More old, and likely humiliating, pictures of me! Yay!


McGone said...

And please tell me her sweatpants (because Lord knows she had to be wearing sweatpants) said "Juicy."

H said...

Damn I really wanted some porn lemonade too! I was going to ask you tonight to bring some. BTW - went back to the old pic post...god your hair was marvelous. Somehow I need to try and post the DVD my parents made for me...that would pretty much cover all 40 yrs.

liberalmudhen said...

Ummm - I hate to be the first to say this. You type your friggin grocery lists?!?!?

You do know that the Nazis typed their grocery lists, too?

moustache wax
instruments of torture

Dr Zibbs said...

I love this post. It's got it all. I wonder what that chick trains people for. Jesus. As for taking pics, I always keep an Abe Lincoln hat in my car for camera concealment purposes (I know I've used that one before but the visual always makes me laugh).

Rob said...

Maybe she's a trainer for these events:


Ryan said...

I didn't want to send this to you via your comment section, but I could not find your contact info.

Love your blog.
I was diagnosed with Stage IV Hodgkin's back in December of 2006 and have just finished 10 months of chemo. I took time off from my day job to get through this whole "Cancer" thing. In my spare time, I created an online T-Shirt and Swag shop called http://www.funnycancershirts.com.

They are selling really well, but any exposure I can get would help. Can you please add my banner to your great website? Link info can be found in the lower left corner of the website.
I was sick and tired of looking for "Cancer" t shirts and only finding "Feel Good" stuff. My shirts are for the young hipster cancer set. Please give them a look. http://www.funnycancershirts.com

For more of my story, visit my fancy cancer blog. http://igotthecancer.blogspot.com

Thanks for your consideration,
Ryan Armbrust

mike said...

I think you only read half of her shirt. The part that was folded (lost) inside her cleavage said, "needs a"...
or maybe that is the hip way for someone to say they are looking for a train to jump in front of.

Mo said...

Trainer? Oh good lord...

Whiskeymarie said...

This is off topic, but from your grocery list it looks like you were going to make the dish that we in these here parts call "party potaotes". They have something like 790 grams of fat per serving, but holy balls they're good.

Am I right?

I saw a woman with similar cleavage the other day at work. She was waiting in line at the bookstore with her ginormous boobages swaying free (down to her waist) in the wind, and she had her arms resting on them as if they were a table. Hot.

Gwen said...

Whiskeymarie: As a matter of fact, I was. You are so observant! Wish I had some right now.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Gwen....u big sissy!

and WM sure says "BALLS" a lot!

Mariposa said...

You got me at porn lemonade! ;)

Kitty Cat said...

Hey there, am popping by to your blog, am new to blogging. Must say, I wish you could've taken a photo. Very funny!

pistols at dawn said...

You're like the Woodward and Bernstein of photojournalism.