Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


Lydia made me do it

Posted by Gwen |

Sassy-pants Miss Lydia tagged me with a meme yesterday.  Now that we all now know the meme drill I'm going to dive right in.  Also, I'm not tagging anyone because there isn't anyone left to tag. This meme has been everywhere this week.  I swear, if I get mono from you promiscuous monkeys . . . 

Six Quirks (not quarks)

1. If I have to “drop the kids off at the pool” in a public bathroom – including the bathroom in my office – and someone else comes in while I'm in there, I freeze.  I sit silently still until that person leaves.  I don’t want anyone to know that I’m in there or what I’m doing.  This generally works out well – that person takes care of their own business and then I finish mine in peace.  Except this one time, when the other gal switched off the lights as she left the room and I was sitting as far away from the door as possible.  Rather than finishing my business in peace, I had to do it in the DARK! and then Helen-Keller-walk my sorry ass across the room to the light switch.  Good times.

2. I love cheese fries.  Let’s be honest, fries are the perfect conduit for cheese.

3. This will be my first winter owning a laptop. I loathed the heat this thing gave off all summer but brother, I’m in heaven now.  I’ve decided not to start the furnace this winter but curl up under my goosedown blanket with this Gateway instead.  So toasty.  I’d make out with it if I wasn’t so afraid of death by electric shock.

4. I’m afraid of death by electric shock.  (Kidding!  I only said that because it was funny.)

5. I experienced two very interesting word verification words today:

  • Rapnoopi – This one made me think of poobomber’s stupid Indian accent - dots, not feathers.  I am to be loving when he does that.
  • Valikemu – This one made me think, “Well, I like you, too, word verification dude with a speech impediment.

6. My shower routine never, ever varies. Every day it's the same order: wash hair, rinse hair, wash face, put conditioner in hair, wash body (any necessary shaving having happens here while I am lathered up), rinse conditioner out of hair, get out of shower, dry off, hang towel, clean ears, put on deodorant, brush teeth, lotion face and entire body, put in contacts, dry hair, style hair, astringent face, apply makeup, get dressed, accessorize. On weekend days that I don't plan to leave the house, the routine ends after "put in contacts."

There may actually be two of you (Kimchi Amy and Whiskeymarie) who will remember number 6 from the first time I did this meme.  I suspect some of you (Fal) are clucking at me like old Ukranian women arguing over the price of a khrustyky but my theory is this: you weren’t here to read it the first time and I know you didn’t scroll that far back in my archives, lazy asses, so it’s new material to you.  Shut it.

Just in case it really chaps your ass, here’s two more from the same post:

7. I hate to sort clean silverware after it has been washed, so I sort it as I load the dishwasher, i.e., all the knives go in one slot, all the forks go in another, all the spoons . . . you get the idea. It's only because I'm lazy and I know I won't unload the dishwasher if I don't.

8. I hate sharing a bed. I love pillow talk and cuddling, but when I am about to drop off into la-la land? I want you to get the hell away from me and don't come back. When I find myself in any situation that requires sharing a bed, it's almost guaranteed that I won't sleep. I can't stand the other person's breathing and noises and touching. I made an awesome wife.


pistols at dawn said...

I can't really help you with your washing of things like yourself and your silverware, you house-dwelling fatcat, but I hate sharing a bed unless it's a king size. Fortunately, most of the women I meet sleep on the streets, so when I pass out in a gutter, it's like I'm staying over anyway.

MelO said...

EWWW!! How do your spoons get clean all the way? Don't they... well... "spoon?" if they're in the same slot?

I have germ issues, just ignore me.

Btw, I don't know why Memes have such a bad rep around here. I love finding out all this little stuff about you goofballs! :D

MelO said...

p.s. I think we have the EXACT same shower routine. I mean EXACT... except when I get ready, I do makeup first then hair.

TMI, I'm sure... but I just thought it was too funny.

dmb5_libra said...

#7? i thought i was the only one!

Gwen said...

MelO: I stand all the silverware on the end you hold - with the dirty end up - and they don't "spoon." Trust me, I'm a bit of a phobe as well, I thought it all out.

dmb5_libra: And I thought I was the only one! Think we'll convert anyone today? I did the first time I posted it . . . power of the internet . . . changing lives.

Gwen said...

MelO: Also, I bitch about memes because you're supposed to. I do actually like not having to think of a topic and then writing a cohesive piece.

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Don't you get lotion on your contacts by lotioning first? I put in my contacts then do the lotion. Just saying... :)

Gwen said...

Ms. FLA: I rinse my hands first.

Dr Zibbs said...

That silverware thing is ingenious.

Gwen said...

Zibbsy: I know! That's why I re-ran it, to be helpful and make the world a better place.

MelO said...

No way, José!!

I respectfully disagree. I mean, sure, the knives can all get clean in the same compartment, but what about forks and spoons which all cuddle together?

Or am I being a big fat germaphobe?

Poobomber said...

Screw silverware sorting, throw it all in a big pile in the drawer! Who's going to know?

Oh, right, the Scientologists spying on you will know.

Whiskeymarie said...

#8 is why I take benadryl before I go to bed almost every night.

#1- I don't poop at work unless it is totally necessary, and I have a private bathroom. worky = no poopy

I don't think I've ever even thought about my silverware and sorting thereof. Ever. You are a freak.
But, I think to help MelO through her germ-phobe issue, we should kidnap her and make her lick a public doorknob. As long as she doesn't get mouth herpes or leprosy or something, she may get over it.

Falwless said...

Wow, you people think way too much about stuff like "cleaning" and "germs" and "showering." The great thing about showering once a month is you never really get bored with the whole "routine" of it.

Sass said...

I'm with melO on the spoon thing. Don't they get all stuck together and end up...I'm copying her here, spooning?

Total sidebar...on the superpoop website, have you checked out the McCain Comics link? Like him, hate him, whatever, they're freaking H.I.larious.

I'm just sayin'.

LYDIA said...

It's amazing to me that you can do all those things without your contacts in. They are the first thing every morning for me - but then again my contact powers are, right eye (-10.5) and my left (-9.0) - yes, you could say I am a little blind.

Gwen said...


Sass: I had seen a few of them scattered throughout superpoop, but the collection is a gas, much like McCain when he eats dairy. My favorite is the "horsehshit" one. Here's the link so the rest of you can enjoy them, too.

LM said...

Being the faithful reader that I am, I'm pretty sure you have blogged about #6,7, and 8 before. Unless I am aware of those things from knowing you so long, but I'm fairly sure you have.

H said...

Ok I don't understand the silverware thingee. Anyway you look at it you have to sort them at some point. I kinda like sorting them after - I make a game out of it to see how fast I can finish.

God I need a life.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I love a hot body next to me in bed. My old lady is a deep sleeper too....I get to cop a feel and she never even knows!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I thought I was the only one who did the silverware prewash sort. Dishes and laundry are the bain of my existence.

Scope said...

This "dish washer" of which you speak. Are you stating that after every use, you then cleanse your silverware? Fascinating.

I thought silverware was like underwear. You use it until was too befouled to continue serving it's purpose, then you dispose of it and buy new.

I'm also fond of "borrowing" silverware in bulk from restaurants where it comes pre-wrapped in a napkin, using it at home, and then returning it to the restaurant, trading it for a fresh batch. Much like a lending library.

I keep the napkins.

Do your segregationist tendencies prevent cross cutlery exchanges? Are you worried that they may interbreed and you will have little baby sporks? Or do you want to prevent the dish from running away with the spoon?

Amy and Jeff said...

I'm late to the party here but I applaud your ability to poop in a public place at all. I am not so fortunate. I can barely poop in the comforts of my own bathroom. Sadly this also extends to hotel bathrooms so I spend many vacations bloated.

This was TMI, wasn't it?