Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!



Posted by Gwen |

You know, every day I'm out there reading your blogs, contemplating your viewpoints, laughing out loud, and then giving 100% to the comments I leave for you - 110% of the time.  And I love doing it!  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  You guys are great!  It's really fun.  It's just that, well, we're in a recession now and I have to tighten the proverbial belt.  I mean, come on, we all know I'm a hack and you only come back every day because I'm cute and there's a good chance I fell down or locked myself out of something again.

We also all know that hacks eventually run out of material.  I'm sorry.  I wish I didn't have to do this.  I hope you believe me when I tell you that it really does hurt me more than it hurts you.

At 8 a.m. tomorrow, November 25, 2008, I'm going to begin rationing my comments.

Well, not the stupid jokes.  I've had a controlling interest in those for years now; they will continue to arrive at their usual pace.  It's the good stuff that I have to reserve if I'm going to survive these tough times.  It's all about supply and demand and right now I need to create a shortage of the good stuff, the really funny things that happened to me in real life, stuff I could turn into an entire post of its own.  Think of this material as the dark meat bits that fall off the turkey carcass early and roast all day at the bottom of the pan in the tasty juices.  Yeah, that good.

Like this little gem of a storyline that I casually dropped over at Stacie's place where she has a drunk raccoon in her front yard:
Yipes. I grew up on a farm and we burned our trash in a barrel in the backyard. I was responsible for taking out the trash and burning it after dinner. One night a possum came flying out of the dark barrel at my face, teeth bared and hissing, as I tried to light the trash. I ran SCREAMING back to the house and refused to go back out there for a week.
This would have been perfect for a 7 Things meme. "I was once attacked by a possum." No one could top that! But no, I just offered it up like I'm made of good material. Like good material grows on trees!

See that over there? It's my A-game tree! Isn't it just beautiful? It's been so fruitful since I fertilized it. Here! Take some of the fruit home with you! I will never use it all before it goes bad. Really, I'm just happy I could share.

As if.

Or this one! *smacks forehead* Agh! I laid out some genuine teen angst over at Fonzie's this morning when she asked about our first crushes:
Scott Baio. I even ordered his "Personal Photo Album!" off the back of Teen Beat magazine. I had to save a while to get it so you can imagine my dismay when I opened the envelope and found that it was printed in black and white and bound with staples.
It still stings a little to think about it, actually.  See?  I can't expect to sell the cow if I keep giving away the milk for free.

In other frugal news, in my next post I'll be revealing which of these seven things was true. Text is expected to include an update on my Alley Kat. See what I did there?


Poobomber said...

I triple dog dare you to control yourself!

Stacie said...

oooh, and boy am I glad you left that comment on my page, because now instead of worrying about a damn drunken raccoon jumping out and oozing his rabies teeth in me I am going to be watching out for that creepy ass possum that can be just as fucking scary.

whew was that a run on?

Dr Zibbs said...

I hear you Gwen. I'm slowly commenting less too. Just can't do it. Of course your blog is one of the few that has gotten a comment on every single post. And as for your comments - I love em.

Anonymous said...

A post and comment downturn? Damn, my timing sucks again!

words words words said...

Genius! With less comments produced, each comment becomes more valuable. You show a strong grasp of basic economics, Gwen! You would show a strong grasp of coolness if you continued to comment on my blog.

Renaissance Woman said...

I'm glad you are being responsible in such difficult times. I will try to tell stories that inspire the rare comments.

I love the new look...just and FYI.

Alexa said...

haha. i feel the same way - i think write some damn good comments.

sadly, this is not one of them.

McGone said...

Don't you go reducing your comment output on my blog, Gwen! Don't you dare! You hear me!? If you're not commenting on my blog, I won't let you comment on anyone's blog! YOU HEAR ME!!


Oops, sorry... I thought I was the husband from "Sleeping with the Enemy" there for a second.

Gwen said...

Dear people, my funny monkeys, I'm not cutting quantity, I'm cutting quality. You'll never know the difference, I promise.

pistols at dawn said...

I figure that instead, if I come up with something really funny, I'll make a note of it, then post it in like two months when even I've forgotten it. I suggest you do the same so that the world isn't deprived of hilarity.

Anonymous said...

Damn, damn, DAMN recession. Maybe you could just comment a word or two each day of a sentence. Kind of drag it out over a couple of posts or something.

Please, I can't make it without you. Don't leave me! (I said the same thing to my empty tequila bottle too).

Scope said...

he being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff

will just assume no one read the comment, and flesh it out into a post anyway. Or, will go with the post he's been working on about the radio station playing Christmas music even if someone in the circle has just posted a far better bit on it than he has.

And five free posts if someone can tell me who I stole that opening from without the aid of a search engine.

LegalMist said...

Scope -- It's gotta be Winnie the Pooh, right?

Scope said...

since in original
form itis a guy
bragging to his buddies about
taking a girls virginity,

im goingtosay


Fancy Schmancy said...

Since you never comment on my blog, I'm not going to feel the sting at all. Maybe that should have been your M.O. all along. People can't miss what they don't have.

Amanda said...

Well we all have to do what we can to get by in these times you know. I understand, really I do. And I'd love to hear more possum stories. I don't have a possum story. I have kid stories, sometimes they're just as scary.

Gwen said...

Scope: My guess is ee cummings, based solely on the spacing, lack of capitalization and punctuation.

Fancy: That particular situation had now been rectified. I apologize profusely.

Scope said...

And Ph.D's Decker, Metcalf, MacGuire, and Crowley would be proud of you for that.

You, my dear, are correct.

Gwen said...

"I am so smart. S-M-R-T!"

Sass said...

You can't cut the quality on MY site, not before the flying monkey convention.

Wait, we didn't vote on that yet, did we.

If I feel a loss of Gwen-Love, I may be tempted to stay home.

I'm just sayin'. ;)

Scope said...

One of the greatest Simpson quotes ever. Niiiice.

"Here's to alcohol: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems"

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm o.k. with lesser-quality comments. If you help lower the standards, it only serves to make me look much wittier and funny than I really am.

For that, I thank you.
Yours in baby McGone-

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Comment rationing..no way! the blogger world will never be the same!! Just take a little vacation and then you'll feel re-charged, inspired.
BTW-the comment you left on my blog today was great! Next time any one does that, I'm in!

Giggle Pixie said...

Don't leave me, please! Don't go!STELLLLLLLLA!!!!!!!!!

Oh, sorry.


Hmmm, just doesn't quite have that same effect, does it.

Anywhoo...please keep commenting. Your comments couldn't possibly be of any lesser quality than my posts. LOL

Anonymous said...

Don't share too much, let's keep our alley-trysts between us for now...Brian

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Your budgeting your comments???? Well....crap!!!


Love your Christmas Theme Layout

- Jennifer

H said...

HORSESHIT! You can't stay away and you know it.

mike said...

I think you are more popular than you know. I was hanging out with my good friend, Sitemeter, and he told me that today I had a hit on my blog from Rio De Janiero, Brazil. (and not just a near miss, either. This Hombre went all over my blog.) So anyways, whoever my mystery Ronaldo fan is, they were referred by your site, and also left to go back to you. Thanks for the international love.