Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

In a couple hours I am driving up to Alton, IL to pick up my mom and take her to lunch for her birthday.  We haven't spoken since June of last year.  I wasn't invited to Thanksgiving; I wasn't invited to Christmas.  (With our family it is entirely possible that nothing was done but I was neither consulted nor advised if that was the case.)

Truth be told, if I hadn't emailed her a week ago and asked her if she wanted to celebrate in our usual fashion (pigging out on crab legs at Red Lobster) we wouldn't be doing this at all.  It took her three days to respond and when she did she said, "Okay, I like crab legs as much as the next guy."   I am about ready to puke right now from nerves and dread.  Please send happy vibes my way; I could use all the help I can get with this one.

I have a second birthday celebration even deeper into Illinois at 6:30 pm so I have to find something to do with myself for about five hours this afternoon.  I have a loose plan to go see The Watchmen on the advice of mjenks and Scope.  I think a potentially violent fantasy escape after lunch may prove helpful.

But my reward for today's cross-Illinois birthday marathon?  Sass is coming to visit tomorrow.  I've already received one email offering money for awkward photos of her.  I love that everyone realizes I can be bought.  Did you guys know my bathroom door doesn't lock?  Tell me what you've got and I'll see what I can do.


LM said...

Good luck Gwen. I hope today goes well enough that you two can keep communicating and repairing. Let me know how it goes.

Cora said...

ARG, families can be tough, huh? Especially mothers! What's up with THAT?! (as a mom myself, I'll admit that scares me a bit. Will my kid be saying things like this to her friends about ME one day? Or does she say it already?!)

Good luck with your mom, Gwen!

And as for awkward pictures of Sass (heh heh), I'm gonna be doing my taxes this weekend, so if I'm getting a refund, I'll let you know. (wink)

Son of a Thomas said...

Hope all goes well at lunch. If not, try to crack the crab so the crabby bits go flying in all dircetions.

Sass said...



I read your blog.

You could be a bit more careful, you know.

Funny how I received those same offers...fascinating.

*raises one eyebrow knowingly in the direction of Cowguy*

How about humiliating picture of BOTH of us and we split the cash.

I'm just sayin'.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh Gwen. I wish you the luckiest of luck and the happiest of outcomes.

(Even if I am just the tiniest bit jealous that you shall be knee deep in delicious crab legs).

mo.stoneskin said...

Hope it works out.

I'm just wondering though, are crabs' legs really the things to scoff on high nerves?

SkylersDad said...

Noting says lunch with mom like Red Lobster! Good luck with the family dynamic, hang in there.

Dr Zibbs said...

Good luck with the lunch. I know exactly where you're coming from. My inlaws are like that.

As for Sass, she told me she could beat you in a boob fight. If it does happen, please take photos.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

You are doing a good thing for yourself and I'm sure you will feel great knowing you didn't let the occasion pass without marking it with her. Lots of positive thoughts and good vibes for you.

Sass and you-Sunday-pictures please and much hilarity!

-R- said...

Good luck with lunch! I hope at least the 2nd bday celebration is fun.

words words words said...

Good luck today, Gwendolyn. My family is cool, but sometimes I wind up having lunches like that with estranged friends.

Perhaps the best way to recover is a heavily documented pillow fight with Sass.

BeckEye said...

Good luck. Here's hoping you don't get into a little wooden mallet fight.

Do they use those for crab legs? Or is that just lobster? Obviously, I'm not a seafood person.

Sigh...I should've just left it at "good luck."

Giggle Pixie said...

Best of luck with your mom. I really hope it'll turn out much better than expected. At least you'll enjoy the food! :-)

And yay for getting to see Sass! I'm so jealous. Wish I could be there too!

Scope said...

Gee, you are making sacrifices. Alton? Brrrrrrrrr!

Kidding aside, I hope things went as you needed them to go.

And NOW you tell me the door doesn't lock? Could have used that 411 a month ago!

Cowguy said...

I have no clue what you or Sass is talking about... pictures? Money?

I hope your Ma got full of crab. lol

That's an odd sentence.

Sass said...

Ahhh....here we are again...pillow fights.

Awkward naked pictures (I think I added the "naked" part).

But I can say I've never heard of a boob fight.


Fancy Schmancy said...

I hope it went well with your mom! I know how it can be...

Dr Zibbs said...

Sass, a boon fight is when the two of you are kind of discussing something face to face. It starts to get heated - then one of you pushes the other with your boobs.

It then turns into an all out shoulder shaking boob against boob battle.

Don't worry. It ends peacefully then the kissing starts.

pistols at dawn said...

I can't imagine anything bad ever happening at a Red Lobster, except of course the food being served.

Whiskeymarie said...

How very, very odd. I had dinner with my dad yesterday. You remember him- the guy who disowned his amazing daughter (me) via e-mail for no good reason whatsoever? Yeah. Him. Ours went fine too.

We really are leading parallel lives- this is either very cool or you're spying on me. I'm fine with either scenario.