Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Heeeeey!  What up?  Sorry I've been neglectful of EILCC this week but I have been busier than a cat covering shit in a community sandbox.  Doing what, you ask?  Well . . . 

  • Serving Jury Duty:  I didn't witness anything worth reporting, which is sad.  I was really hoping for some good blog material but my fellow jurors were disappointingly normal.  Oh!  There was one guy who had a rat-tail – you know, the one patch of hair that is left long like a pony-tail at the nape of the neck? Yeah. Except that this one was coming out of the MIDDLE of the back of his head. And his hair was naturally curly so it looked more like the hind end of a hog than a rat-tail.  It was weird and I couldn't stop staring at it.  It was all I could do not to cut it off with the fingernail clippers I had in my purse.  I also got in trouble for talking in the courtroom when session was over but that’s only because the bailiff, a creepy ginger*, took himself much too seriously. Douchebag.  Maybe Candy will have better luck Monday.
  • Having my back adjusted with a regularity that surpasses my bowel movements:  My back is better.  I'm walking, which is a plus, but I am still sore and hurty.  The doc says I won’t be back to pre-injury status for a couple more weeks.  I feel bad because since I announced my demise people are popping up all over Blogaritaville complaining about hurting their backs, too.  Listen people, I know I’m wicked cool and a trendsetter but you do not have to do everything I do; if I jump off a cliff, please don’t follow me.
  • Getting my clothes ready for a trip to Italy:  Sadly, I will not be joining them.  My friend Kell's Bells and her husband are spending 10 days in Italy and while I wasn’t invited, my clothes were.  She came over one night this week and raided my closet for shifty little skirts and easy-breezy sundresses for her trip.  I couldn't be prouder that she’s going to be wearing a dress of mine when she gets kicked out of the Vatican for showing her tits to the Pope. (This is her idea, not mine, mind you.  I warned her to be careful since she’s the only Catholic traveling with her husband’s Jewish family.)
  • Assembling a spectacular outfit for the Kentucky Derby:  Again, not really going to the Derby, but rather a First Annual Party being thrown by some friends.  I spent a nice chunk of time this week at my favorite store getting fashion advice from two over-60 Asian men. I have to hand it to them, they did a spectacular job of putting me together and got it exactly right.  “Rady, Derby kick-off spring! Need color, no brack. White. You get white hat. That one. You get. Rook good, rady. Pitty rady.”  God rove ‘em, they were right and my entire ensemble is now perfect.  Any excuse to get dolled up, wear a big hat, and drink is aces in my book. Word on the street is that the menu will include hot browns, cucumber sandwiches, mint juleps, and bread pudding.  Don’t you worry your pretty little heads, monkeys, I’ll take lots of pictures.
  • Attending the first in what will be a summer full of 40th birthday parties:  My friend J-Grrrl’s husband threw a really nice party for her in a private room at a new micro-brewery in town.  Our friend Giga decided it would be a good idea to do a headstand in J-Grrrl's honor and I've decided that headstands are something that should be performed at every 40th birthday party from here on out. With mine right around the corner, you should start practicing at home now.

*  Apologies to all my ginger readers.  I generally like red hair but this one was creepy, like Carrot Top.

26 comments:

-R- said...

Do you watch Scrubs? Elliott is totally creeped out by redheads.

Back pain is the worst. Maybe when your friend shows her boobs to the Pope, you will be miraculously cured since she will be wearing your clothes.

Whiskeymarie said...

It's official: the words "hot" and "browns" put together kind of gross me out. Sort of like "moist" and "panties".

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I know why you don't want me to jump off the cliff, too: there's a slim chance that I'd land on you. If the fall didn't kill you, that sure as hell would.

hello haha narf said...

i am SO looking forward to the derby party pictures.

talk derby to me, bay-bee!

hello haha narf said...

oh...and i am a redhead, not offended that you were creeped out by a creepy person who just so happens to have red hair.

Cora said...

No apology required. If the dude was like Carrot Top, I totally understand.

Headstands, you say? I think my Neurologist would murder me. Would you let me do contortionistic poses on the Twister game board instead?

Imnotbenny said...

There is no way I can enjoy life any longer without two sixty year old Asian men following me around and commenting on everything I do.

Life is not fair, and I'm not sure if this comment comes off as weird and "I'm into old men-ee" as I think it does.

Sass said...

You could have cut the dude's piggy tail off and sold it on ebay.

I'm just sayin'.

SkylersDad said...

I can die a happy man now that I know somebody who takes fashion advice from over 60 Asian men!

My fashion advice comes mostly from homeless people and flood victims.

BeckEye said...

I just dyed my hair red so I could feel like there's a real reason so many people find me creepy. I know it can't have anything to do with my icy, dead-eyed stare.

Soda and Candy said...

Hot Brown does not sound like something you should eat.

That said I'm sure you will rock the big hat, and you are a very pitty rady.

PS - Did you get my email?

mo.stoneskin said...

[Makes mental note to book haircut to get hog tail removed]

You should have cut it off. Though the bailiff may not have appreciated it.

Dr Zibbs said...

Italy. I would love to go back there. My sister's going next month and my son's going next year with his Italian class. MAN I want to go!

H said...

"hot browns" - and you had an issue with Dark Star???

words...words...words... said...

"God rove 'em." I will not read anything funnier than that today. Unless I check up on my own blog.

I'm sorry you don't get to accompany your clothes to Italy. I hope they bring you back a souvenir.

Gwen said...

WWW: Haha! You went back to your place and I was funny there, too.

You will not escape my funny today. /ominous voice

And for those of you appalled by food called hot browns . . . check out the ingredients before you judge. Mmmmm . . . . cheese sauce and baaaacon.

Scope said...

You'd better be careful with that back, if I'm going to drive 300 miles for your 40th birthday, you better be in good shape to get your drink ON!

Coolred38 said...

I was wondering why every other blogger was complaining of backpains...now I know...its trend setter Gwens fault..glad thats cleared up.

btw I have red hair...was just discussing with a friend today whether its true redheads are "hot"...yes we are...in many many ways. None of them creepy...ok maybe some.

Some Guy said...

Yeah, Kentucky Hot Brown is not what you think (i.e.: runny poop soup). It's quite delicious.

Jon said...

I'm pretty sure a jury of my peers would consist of at least two people with rat tails. It's the official hairstyle of Justice.

Hope your back feels better soon Gwen.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

ok so I go on Wed. I hope there are no rat-tail creepy guys in my jury room and I'll be sure to NOT talk in the court room.

Thanks for the tip. Glad to hear your back is better!

Student/Teacher said...

When my friend was pregnant with her first child, I took pictures every month to document her belly growth. I made her do a handstand every month until the 7th, when she could no longer walk. I'm a good friend.

PerplxinTexan♥ said...

Red heads are pretty creepy. But, I think they do it on purpose like some huge ginger wide conference call where they decided whether or not to be creepy this week.

P.S. Jury duty was enough of a reason for me lol

Suze said...

Oh I love jury duty. It's nice to be on the other side of the table. Ooops...wait...never mind.

Jules said...

So jealous you got called for jury duty! Just disappointed for you there wasn't more blog material there. (Next time cut the rat tail!) Hope your clothes have fun on their trip!!

~E said...

Wow....I'm 27 and I can't do a damn headstand. Not that I haven't tried. But you know, that's really way too much info.

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