Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

The following was emailed to me today by my friend Leslie. Because this material was emailed and is truly funny, you’ve probably already seen it. Suck it. Read it again.

Also? I would totally credit the original author but google couldn’t identify this person in the first ten hits so I quit. I’m pretty sure the original author would have done the same. In fact, I think we were separated at birth so I'm even less inclined to find him/her because I don't intend to share my inheritance.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


  • More often than not when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.


  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


  • I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?


  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.


  • That's enough, Nickelback.


  • I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


  • The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.


  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo, and it wouldn't work? You would take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


  • There is a great need for a sarcasm font.


  • Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.


  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much that it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.


  • The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that “both go left, both go right” game to no avail so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.


  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


  • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.


  • A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.


  • Was learning cursive really necessary?


  • LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".


  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


  • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


  • My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.


  • Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


  • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


  • Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies."


  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?


  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.


  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


  • I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."


  • I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


  • Bad decisions make good stories.


  • Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?


  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.


  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....


  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.


  • There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


  • I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


  • "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'


  • While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.


  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


  • When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.


  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.


  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...


  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


  • Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


  • It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


  • I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


  • I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.


  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


  • My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


  • It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.


  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


  • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

35 comments:

Whiskeymarie said...

"I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?"

I seriously laughed out loud at that one. (Not that phony "lol" bullshit, either.)

Chaka said...

Those were great. I'm glad you passed them on. I agree with mapquest forwarding to step #5.

Soda and Candy said...

Ah, that shit is GENIUS.

"How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?"

I'm still working on this one as well.

Dr Zibbs said...

These are tweets I wrote.

Dr Zibbs said...

...well..not really but they sound like things I'd say.

Jeannie said...

Just yesterday, I was thinking: They really need a special font to indicate sarcasm.

So many of these are true.

One contradiction. If the guy has a 4 year old, it's not likely he was sterile in college even if he's sterile now. Unless the mother was sleeping around and the 4 year old isn't his.

Great list otherwise.

Imnotbenny said...

Turns out ninjas get all squishy when you roll over them in your car.

They travel in packs, though, so you still get your ass kicked.

True story.

Son of a Thomas said...

"Catching the swine flu."

Wish I knew that phrase 20 yrs. ago.

hello haha narf said...

i must live under a fucking rock because i had never seen this before. loving that you posted it. and wishing for the sarcasm font. you wanna get on that for me? thanks!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Some of this reminds me of Mike Birbiglia, but I'm not saying that he's the original author. At least, a lot of this I could easily read in his voice and it just seemed to fit.

And as for that point where you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day? I've already hit that point, at 10:30 Thursday night.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My fav was Mapquest. I live ONE BLOCK from a major street (I can see the traffic signal from my kitchen window). Mapquest takes people almost a 1/2 mile out of their way to get there.

Mr. Condescending said...

I still have the nintendo and I still have to blow in those games!

I get drunk and play bubble bobble or contra.

Amanda said...

I love this.

One of my online groups uses orange text to indicate sarcasm. If you don't have the ability to change the color you can still use the tags with your comment inside.

{orange} insert sarcastic comment here {/orange}

^ but with < instead of {

Cowguy said...

You.have.never.seen.my.pants.

When I'm gluing stuff (as I'm wont to do with the business I'm in) my pants are the handiest things on earth to wipe the excess glue off my hands.

At the end of the day my pants look like a bullseye for 300 happy endings.

Jon said...

That's funny stuff. I especially like the "Stepdads" one. It's a lock I'm naming my Fantasy Football team The Stepdads this season.

SkylersDad said...

They were all wonderful, and I laughed out loud several times!

The stepdads team name was good, but we had a running team that was called the Nads, just so we could have people shout Go Nads! a lot.

Yeah, we are that mature...

And Cora has the photo you requested in her camera, you are quite welcome!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Love this one!!!!!

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Have a super weekend!

Elliott said...

Thank you for this, oh, thank you. I'm not popular enough to get junk mail from my friends, so this was the first I saw of this.

I can, sadly, relate to the last one. I can't help it, I have the 'Ordering Take-Out' version of Tourettes.

BeckEye said...

OH my God this is hilarious. I'm cracking up at work, so thankfully not many people are here today. (Yeah, I always know when that unproductive streak is going to strike. Usually every day.)

This is my favorite because it's so me: "I think everyone has a movie that they love so much that it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it."

janie said...

"Was learning cursive really necessary?" made me sad. It won't be long before they don't teach it anymore because people won't write anymore and another graceful art will be gone and everyone will speak and talk like lol cats.

Suze said...

I couldn't wait to finish reading this so that I could tell my own funny email story.

words...words...words... said...

Whoever wrote this is my hero for the one about getting mad when links on news sites send you to videos instead of text stories. That makes me very angry, and I never watch the videos on principle. As if they're monitoring me with an internet Nielsen box or something.

mo.stoneskin said...

The whole waiting for someone to finish telling a story so that you can tell your own is so true, so pitiful, so typical of all of us, of all of our dismal race...and I just wanted to get to the bottom of this post so that I can write my own list...

The trick, when realising you've gone in the wrong direction is to pull out your phone, pretend to have a quick conversation with an imaginary friend about how you're gonna meet somewhere else, and then spin round putting the phone back in your pocket and shaking your head slowly.

katrocket said...

I LOLed at every one of those. Comedy gold!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think this is what I've been searching for all day. I knew there was a purpose for my 3 (5) (ok 6ish) hours of Internet wandering. I laughed through the whole thing, and now I feel closure, like I can put away my laptop and enjoy the weather outside. I don't care if you didn't write it, you totally get the credit in my mind.

Cora said...

My pants sooooo do NOT stay clean! Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm a nanny - my pants are perpetually covered in playdoh, snot and little midget-sized ravioli handprints. Ick.

Tricia said...

I love these - and went a little deeper than 10 on the google search and think that I discovered they came from here: http://ruminations.com/site/

Lots more good material there too! :)

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

Robbers said...

I just stumbled upon you r blog and this was the first entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

SkylersDad said...

I have been reading you r blog for quite some time and this was the last entry I read. I literally LOL'd at almost every one of those things. Thanks for posting it!

72suburbs said...

Found you via Mr. London Street. A coworker emailed this to me yesterday, and I emailed her back to say "Whoever wrote this is my soulmate. Seriously." Imagine my disappointment (exhilaration?) when I found the Ruminations website and discovered I am soulmates with about 50 different people.

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