Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

In an abundance of caution and fear, I've held off announcing my recent come-from-behind victory over the hugely talented and revered Wendy Brandes in the Most Swears category of the The 2009 Drysdale Awards. I mean, come on! She’s beautiful, she runs in circles so far outside my wheelhouse that I can’t even imagine the fabulosity; she’s huge and hordes of people fucking love her.

So yeah, I’ve been traveling incognito since Monday - driving a hoopdie and wearing a trench coat, a big, floppy hat and dark sunglasses - in an effort to evade her adoring fans and the rotten tomatoes (or rocks) I expect they would throw at my tiny head if they could catch me. Suckas!

But the time has come to thank MY adoring fans and friends and family for their
ballot-stuffing support and to toot my own damn horn. You guys rock! We did it! David felled Goliath!

It was a really fun campaign - y'all were so into it! People were texting updates, other people were emailing for status and cheering me on. Like a true politician, I drunk g-chatted with some of you. It was exciting. Thank you for all of it. My favorite response to the call for votes was from my dad, who said "Go you girl! Or maybe if it still counts: Damn, Go you Girl! We voted. As you can see we are always there when really really important stuff happens." Awesomesauce.

I also won the award for Worst Spelling and Grammar. I'm not sure I get that one . . . but WHO THE FUCK CARES? I WON SWEARS! I WON SWEARS! With that, I think it's high time we started doin' some tootin', monkeys!

We've got inappropriate tooters!
(The way her little doe eyes are looking up at him. Awkward.)

We've got a tooter for the Jews!
I’ve not ever seen a shofar blown with such exuberance before.
It’s like he’s saying, “Fuckin’ right it’s Hanukkah, you circumcised weirdos! HANUKKAH, bitches! Suck it! And my friend Gwen won Most Swears, too! Mazel tov!"

Hey kid! It’s a TUBA, not a fucking sandwich.
Stop gnawing on it and make some noise.
We've got people to entertain!

We've got a Swedish tooter!
This instrument makes a hell of a bellow.
Well, it does when the musician plays it instead of loading it up with hippie lettuce like Hans here did.
Party on, Hans!

We've got Patriotic clown tooters! A whole car full!

And finally, we've got a mostly naked, dancing, midget elf.
Because what victory celebration is complete without one?
That, and it came up when I googled "tooting your own horn."

So, enjoy yourselves with the clowns and that hungry kid and Hans and everyone else. There's day-old doughnuts and a couple of room-temp bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 (grape) in the back room. You earned this party, freaks.


McGone said...

Between that last picture and the toilet tranny from yesterday, I can't even imagine what your browser's history log looks like.

Cora said...

Ohhhhh, here's a big ol' effing congrats to you, Ms Gwennie!!

Rock. On.

I find it amusing that my wv is "defoo." Don't you? It's like your blog has gone all Mr T on me ~ "I pity de foo." I suppose that means Wendy? *snicker*

SkylersDad said...

Congrats my dear, the only thing that would make your victory more complete is if the mostly naked, dancing, midget elf's ears were actually pointed.

Hey Cora, speaking of word ver's, mine is bonest!!

He he hehe (snort)

Wow, did I really just snort?

katrocket said...

This post totally blows.

OK not really, but someone was gonna make that joke and I got here first.

CONGRADUALTIONS you fucking cocksucker!

Scope said...

And you did it without "Swear Week"? You rock on with your socks on!

Speaking of which: TOMORROW!!!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

Congrats, you totally fucking deserve it! The swearing thing, not the worst spelling and grammer. Zibbsy should have won that hands down.

Gwen said...

Yeah, poor Zibbs suffered some collateral damage in the campaign. If it means anything, I went back and switched all my votes in that category to him.

Cowguy said...

Congrats and... I just snorted. :-)

My word verification... commy. LOL

Victoria said...

please read my blog:


WendyB said...

Congrats, you thieving cunt!

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm saving my own tooting in your honor for tomorrow night, when we're sleeping together & spooning.

WendyB called you a cunt? I'm jealous- that's a real honor round these here parts.


Soda and Candy said...


Also, I love the fat kid eating the tuba.

BeckEye said...

I was excited for you until I got to that last picture and now I'm just queasy and scared.

Eva Gallant said...

Woo Hoo!

Poindexter said...

congrats - I'm way into that celebrating rabbi.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

It's a good thing it wasn't a taken-from-behind victory because tooting is not appreciated in that situation. Congrats to you either way Cunt! (with a capital C 'cause I respect you that much)

Gwen said...

More from my dad:

"An excerpt from my imaginary annual Xmas family letter:

The solemnity of this particular holiday season bore unanticipated fruits. As a result of a recent contest, now I can boast that I have a daughter who won a shiny gold Kentucky Derby trophy (regifted?) for having a trash mouth and being brazen enough about it to proclaim the victory in print. This hard working yet poorly spelling cursor (curstrix? cursette?) embarked on a campaign of swearing - and inducing others to follow suit - that would be the envy of any poll worshipping political aspirant. Hope you all had a damn nice holiday too!

Really though - Happy Holidays from both of us - we are sooo proud."

Hahaha! I am really enjoying seeing a side of my dad I didn't know was there. Ha!

Dr Zibbs said...

You are a winner.

Could you imagine if I accidently wrote weiner?

Jay Ferris said...

This post made me so very horny.

Surprise, surprise. Another post where people are putting large instruments into their mouths.

Katrocket stole my third zinger.

mo.stoneskin said...

I have been singing, dancing and trumpeting since I heard you won.

Trumpeting, that's right, trumpeting.

Renaissance Woman said...

Congrats... This post made me laugh out loud! Good for you girl.

words...words...words... said...

Congratulations! No motherfucker deserves this more than you, you funny fucker.

Also, that little girl blowing on the horn is making me uncomfortable.

Scope said...

Gwen - Got a little award for you over at my place today.

And my word ver is "chicki" that's like awesome covered in carmel.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

ummm these pictures, im fucking dying. lol

LegalMist said...

Congrats! I can't think of anyone who deserves to win these awards more than you...

And I mean that in the best possible way.

I LOVE YOU said...


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