Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Dear Steamy Becky:


I can't decide whether to love you or hate you. On the one hand, you keep me laughing what with your camel toe of a much younger woman and killing your dad with whipped cream and your Ricki Lake vagina. But on the other hand, the fact that you are so much funnier than me really pisses me off. Really. You could even say it steams me up, kid.

For a time (and by "for a time" I mean until I remembered to take my happy pill this morning) I fantasized about driving to your sunny home on the west coast, crawling through that window in the back of your house that doesn't lock quite right, sitting in your chair waiting for you to arrive home, and then breaking your hands. The thought was that doing so would teach you to be so damn entertaining with your 565 followers and comments coming out your leaky ass. AND it would keep you from being funnier than me for at least 4-6 weeks.

But, like I said, I re-calibrated my internal chemistry this morning and came to my senses. I don't really want to hurt you. You seem like a nice girl, under all the farts and penises and stainy dog crotches. No, instead I want to honor you. Steamy Becky, will you accept the Official Award of EILCC?

What's that? No, no. This isn't a trick. No, I am NOT trying to lure you into a trap by treating you kindly. NO! No, no, no, no. Nope. I promise the award isn't rigged to explode when you pick it up. Swearsies. Please, just take the damn award.

Yours until I learn how to make an IED,

Gwen

10 comments:

Soda and Candy said...

Haha, right? Even her commenters are funnier than, like, my whole blog.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

YAY! My very own Kim Jong Illin!!

Thank you, Gwen!

I would welcome your hoe invasion and hand breaking, because then at least I'd have something to blog about besides my own excrement. I see now that I left the "m" out of home, and it was completely by accident, but, come on. Hoe invasion? Perfect.

Eva Gallant said...

She can be pretty funny!

BeckEye said...

Becky is pretty awesome. And not JUST because she's a Becky, but that's a big part of it. A bigger part of it is her willingness to share everything that's wrong with her ass.

words...words...words... said...

Well deserved! And Gwen, I can teach you how to make an IED. I mean, there's only one person standing between me and being the funniest person in Los Angeles. And her anus smells like the dumpster behind a Wendy's in the noonday sun.

mo.stoneskin said...

It's a traaaaaaaaaaaaap, it's a traaaaaaaaap! Look behind you!

Renaissance Woman said...

Thank for the warning... I am aiming for the lowest number of comments on a blog so good to know my competition.

Cora said...

See, now I'm going to have to go check her blog out LIKE I HAVE TIME TO ADD ANOTHER BLOG TO MY READING LIST. Thanks an effing lot, Gwen. *grumble grumble*

otherworldlyone said...

I love Becks too. I'd never hurt her either. We should make her a special place...like a deep hole. And throw some lotion in a basket and dress in drag.

Riiiiight??!

網站設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

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