Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!


Playing with our food

Posted by Gwen |

I didn’t sleep well Thursday night. I fought with my mom right before bed and had a hard time sleeping after that. I woke up sad and exhausted. In situations like this treats are a must-have so I stopped by 7-11 on my way to work for an ICEE coke. From my vantage point in the check-out line I could see something, something wonderful, something that had the potential to transform my shitty, exhausted, heartbroken day into something else entirely.

A HUGE RICE KRISPIE TREAT. Seriously, this thing was bigger than my torso.

This is me re-enacting the moment when I turned to my fellow 7-11 consumers and demandingly queried, “How fun is this!?” They were not as amused by its giant marshmallowy wonder as I was and were even less captivated when I announced that I had to have it, tucked it under my arm, and marched my little self back into line ahead of them.

Initially I didn’t take my TREAT into the office because I just knew those bitches (a gender-neutral application encompassing all of my co-workers) would make me open it and I wanted to save it for the super-fun happy hour I was hosting at my home that night. When words and yelling and flailing arms failed to describe the magnitude of my TREAT, I was forced to lug it into the office where it was met with incredulity and a healthy dose of belly laughing.

One of my co-workers was fanatical about THE TREAT. He squished it and thumped it; he laughed and calculated its caloric content: 20 servings and a total of 3,800 calories. He even asked permission to smash it with his head in some sort of karate move. I eventually relented, allowing a staged karate kick. No actual TREATS were injured in the writing of this post.

See? I told you those bitches would want to ruin my RICE KRISPIE TREAT.

My spirits lifted every time someone laughed at it and the way the florescent light glistened off of its brilliant blue paper was soothing. It had managed to convert my shitty day by tickling almost every person who crossed its path, which in turn tickled me.

So great was the conversion that I was having second thoughts about serving it at super-fun happy hour. And then I realized that the people coming to my party were, for the most part, the very same people who had so joyously sported bunting on Flag Day, just the kind of people who would really appreciate a TREAT of this consequence.

Sweet dreams, my friend! Sweet dreams.

People with delicate constitutions shouldn't wakeboard.

Mmmm . . . St. Louis has the most delicious mug-shot card thingies,” mumbled the perp.

Coffee, Tea or Me?

Round 2!

(She said afterward that if she’s going to hell, she’s glad she’s going with us.)

Eventually enough was enough, we followed the perp's lead and ate THE TREAT. We were all a little sad to see it go, but It was happy to have fulfilled it's special purpose.

Pass THE KRISPIE on the left-hand side.

So I guess what I'm saying is thank you. Thank you, Snap. Thank you, Crackle. Thank you, Pop. You three really know how to turn a frown upside down. You guys rawk.

Is it gross to make out with an elf?


McGone said...

Is it gross to make out with an elf?

Not at all, but if you are expecting them to call you the next day, you'll be very disappointed.

I'm sorry, I have to go. I have something in my eye.

Little Brr said...

You're just lucky one of us bitches didn't kidnap it like we planned... We had a very elaborate plan... We had to end the scheme though when we couldn't make the ransom note because every time we tried, we'd start thinking about the gooey goodness and drool all over the damn thing. After the 4th time, we called it quits.

LM said...

I'm so glad you didn't put one of those horribly unflattering photos of me in.

Whiskeymarie said...

3,800 calories? that's all?
Hell, that's nothing. I'm almost ashamed to say that I could probably eat the whole thing.
Almost, but not quite.

Making out with Snap or Crackle is fine. Just watch out for that Pop- he's got a record a mile long and I hear he has herpes.

Renaissance Woman said...

I heard the same rumor...whiskey we much know the same people. I love krispy treats...don't care how many calories are in them. Don't tell my weight watchers sponsor!

Anonymous said...

Oh, the power of the RKT!


LoyalHeather said...

Mmmmmm...that's good Krispie!!!

And yes it was. Truly.


Keeper Of All Things said...

OMG that shits funny
Oh and I once made out with an elf......well maybe just a really short guy!!

Anonymous said...

Hi! I just stumbled across your blog and now have a stomach ache from laughing so hard at this post! I look forward to reading (and laughing) more!