Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Fine. I'll re-publish my blog share entry. My Lord, you people are relentless. If we get in trouble for this I'm blaming you. And the maid.

In all seriousness I did consider whether or not publishing this would lay waste to any other participant's anonymity and I couldn't think of a way it could. I mean, I guess someone really motivated could figure it out using some sort of magic, or maybe math, but I figure most of you have lives and/or would never expend that kind of energy. I am confident in this. Plus I took down the list of participants.

So here it is, my contribution to Blog Share III. Promise to still love me in the morning.

I had a hard time coming up with a topic this time around. The first time we all did this I told a funny dating story; the second time I slogged through some mommy issues. Yada, yada. This time I thought and I thought, and then I forgot about it for a long time, and then I got an email from –R- which reminded me that I didn’t have a topic so I thought about it some more again. I just kept asking myself what else could there possibly be that I haven’t or wouldn’t talk about it on my own blog?

And then it dawned on me. (Picture a light bulb over my head. You can make up what I look like since you don’t know me. Just be sure to imagine me pretty.)

Anyway, it dawned on me that I’ve never told my secrets. You know, the low-down-and-dirty on me, the things I only share with a select few, the other things that I share with no one. I quickly assembled a mental list and it was much easier than I expected. Apparently I’ve got some secrets.

Unfortunately for your own inner Mrs. Kravitz, you won’t find the list in this post or anywhere, ever. I simply can’t publish it. My IRL friends would easily identify me from half of the things on the list, and then they’d read the other half, and that just can’t happen.

This fear, the fear of the list going public, made me take a closer look at the list, to analyze it, to look at it as a collective body of secretive things. As I suspected, each of my secrets are fairly innocuous when viewed individually, but their innocence fades in a group setting. It would seem that I’m an aggressive, narcissistic sociopath.

It’s important to know that the Internet was my only source of information and I am not a mental health professional. I am not qualified in any way to diagnose a mental illness. That said, the evidence was quite clear. Shall we take a look?

What follows is a list of personality traits shared by Malignant/Aggressive Narcissists, Sociopaths and people with Antisocial Personality Disorder. For your edification and/or entertainment, I have cited examples from my own life that qualify me for acceptance into their club.

Glib with superficial charm: Um, have you met me? Oh that’s right; you don’t know who I am. Well, let me tell ya’, I am C-H-A-R-M-I-N-G! Enough said.

Manipulative, a con artist: As part of my profession I negotiate with people which is plain and simple manipulation. Daily I “con”vince other people that they should do what I think is best. Not only that, but I am motivated by money to do it. And I’m good at it. When it’s all said and done, they believe in “their” decision.

Grandiose sense of self/a belief of being special and unique: Funny thing, I am actually wearing a t-shirt right now that has “I’m awesome” printed right across the bosom. Not kidding. A friend today suggested I include a picture of myself, in the shirt, holding today’s paper. I glibly reminded her that this is about anonymity.

Pathological lying: I’m not really wearing a t-shirt that says I’m awesome right on it. (Yes, I am. Really, I am.)

Lack of remorse, shame or guilt: I don’t feel bad about lying about the t-shirt, but mostly because I didn’t lie.

Callousness/lack of empathy: I think most people are stupid assholes who put themselves in bad situations by making bad decisions. To them I say, “Own it, shut it, and move along.”

Poor behavioral controls, impulsive nature: I’m always irreverent and generally one level louder than the situation demands.

Early behavior problems/juvenile delinquency: In 4th grade I stole a stack of textbooks out of the coat closet so I could play school. I lied and got away with it. In my defense, one of them was a teacher’s manual and it was really awesome.

Irresponsibility/unreliability: At least once a year as an undergrad I’d have to beg one professor or another for a second chance to take a final exam because I couldn’t get the scheduling right in my head. Also, I am currently late for work every day.

Promiscuous sexual behavior/infidelity: I was a slut in college. There are guys whose names I don’t remember. And while I never went to home plate when I cheated, I did make out with someone else at least once while in each committed relationship I’ve had.

Lack of realistic life plan/parasitic lifestyle: Sadly, I’m a materialistic whore, born to a common life without a trust fund, so I do actually have a job. See “Manipulative and Conning” above. But, if I were independently wealthy I would totally emulate and try to hang out with Karen Walker.

Difficulty with authority: I completely disagree with this one. I don’t mind taking orders as long as they aren’t retarded.

Lack or regard for moral or legal standards/repeated acts that could lead to arrest: I’ve been arrested twice, once at age 20 and once at age 30, each time for the same offense. Logic would dictate that I don’t have any regard for that law, yes? Further, as a general rule I drive too fast and talk on the phone while doing it.

Need for stimulation/Inability to tolerate boredom: Am I done with this yet? Yeah, I’m jacked in the head, you guys get it. Can I move on? New topic, please. I have to go. I’m so bored with this I can’t even . . . wait. Before I go I just want to make sure you understand . . . I could have never posted this on my own site. I’m a narcissistic asshole of a level so jerky that my readers would abandon me if they knew my real identity. You guys might get pissed off and leave nasty comments, but what do I care? I’m so awesome, I don’t need you.

UPDATED TO ADD: Whiskeymarie's comment made me realize that you don't have access to the comments I received. You can go here to see the original posting of this controversial piece. Like you care, but I want you to have options. For the most part the comments were lovely, and I'm not even upset about the two that expressed concern for me. I just think it's funny that they failed to see I was employing hyperbole and tongue-in-cheek humor, because I thought it was obvious.