Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Alright, I've been called out.  My friend John, who bore witness to and participated in Saturday's overindulgence, left this comment on my Facebook page today: As much as I would like a slap on the ass, I'm a little disappointed in you! No commentary on your world-class bender on your blog?? The public deserves to know. :)

I take pride in operating transparently here.  I would love to tell you all about it.  But the funny thing about a World Class Bender is that you are supposed to forget parts - if not all - of what you did and what happened.  If we didn't forget, people would never go on them.  Duh.

That said, he's right, I should tell you what I do remember:

11:30 AM:  I arrive at Curtain Skirt and order a Bloody Mary.  I eat one small cracker with some cheese.

12:15 - 12:30 PM:  I order my first highball of the day.

2:30 PM:  John, who came to town to visit a very lovely girl, arrives at Curtain Skirt with said girl.  Let's call her Becky because that's her name.  Introductions are made and we all have one more drink "for the ditch."  (It's a joke; we did not drive drunk.)

3 PM:  The Curtain Skirt gals leave to go home, change into sweats, eat pizza and watch movies.  John and Becky and I go to another bar/restaurant.  I was at a crossroads here but didn't think twice about turning my back on You'll Feel So Much Better Tomorrow Lane and skipping down the road to Twisted Town.  Well, I skipped until I fell down anyway, but that came much later.  I think.

Thereafter:  Ask John and Becky.  I know what we did but specifics are fuzzy.  When I called John on Sunday afternoon to see if I needed to apologize he told me that I did actually order food at the restaurant but didn't eat it because I was too busy chatting up the person at the table next to us.  I've deduced that person gave me this which I found in my purse on Sunday:

8:35 PM:  Drunk dialed Johnny B.   A vague recollection of this was confirmed by checking the dialed calls on my phone.  I have to say:  just one drunk dial?  And to him?  At 8:30?  Pfffft!  Whatevs.  Not offensive.  Moving on.

Sometime after that:  I went to bed.  John and Becky were still here waiting for the cab to pick them up to take them back to her house but I was again at a crossroads:  lay down on the floor or excuse myself and go upstairs.  I chose wisely this time.  I remember turning out all the lights as they sat there but John told me later that I said it was "to aid with their making out."  So considerate, I am.

As with any big day/night out like that, I misplaced a few things - my sunglasses and dignity - but I also gained a few things - a scrape/bruise combo on my left elbow, a rocks glass, my name in calligraphy on a napkin, and this story for my blog.  Totally worth it.

Special thanks go out to John and Becky for fueling and surviving WCB 2009, to Mel-O for teaching me what a banana bag is so I could obsess about needing one, to Peabody for bringing me soup and a biscuit on Sunday because I couldn't keep anything down, and to Leslie for feeding me a cheeseburger and taking me to get my car on Monday.  You're an excellent WCB pit crew.


Scope said...

Now, back-to-back that for the Taste?

There needs to be an agreed "No cameras after X:00" run imposed I believe.

Violaters will be punished.
Punishers will be violated.

Keeper Of All Things said...

You should frame the napkin and who knows maybe John and Becky will live Happily Ever after all because you left them sitting in the dark.
And I'm sure your dignity is not lost just misplaced..but don't look in the same place you lost it.....I did that once and not only did I Not find my dignity but lost some self-esteem on the way.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Are you not intrigued by this mysterious calligrapher? Male, female??? Nice work-gothic. Kinda reminds me of a vampire in some romantic novel-if you're into that kind of thing.
I am a sucker for all that.

Scope said...

Gwen - I suck. I totally meant to use the phrase, "lather, rinse, repeat." To describe a pending 2 day bender.

Candy - I had questions, to, such as "I woulf have thought a fountain pen would have bled more on a napkin, since they are designed to absorb liquids" but I was going to follow up on this Facebook site the two of you mentioned today.

Dr Zibbs said...

Way to go drunky.

Whiskeymarie said...

An actual e-mail I sent to my friend after her xmas party this year:

Did I leave a agenda/planner thingy at your house? It's red with a monkey on it. Oh, and if you found my dignity anywhere (probably in the hot tub) you can keep it- I don't seem to need it anymore.

Dignity is overrated. Moments like this remind us that we have awesome friends that always let stuff like this slide and hopefully don't post the pictures on the internet.

Some Guy said...

Drunken Monkey is definitely going on my Netflix list!

All things considered, it sounds like a successful night to me.

Giggle Pixie said...

Dignity is indeed highly overrated.

pamitch5 said...

That's funny, I seem to remember you drunk dialing more than just Johnn B.

Gwen said...

pamitch5: I suspect you and I have different criteria for drunk dialing.

John (aka Nic) said...

Since I shamed our Gwennie into confessing (some of) her sins, I should fill in a blank or two: the restaurant was Culpepper's (I was craving the wings), which is where Gwen's, um, enthusiastic volume, caught the attention of our neighbor. He was a very nice, if very odd, black man who spoke several languages and is obviously a talented calligrapher. Big big fan of drunk Gwen. We then went to Becky's house for a couple of cocktails, where Gwen rolled on the floor like "Like a Virgin" era Madonna. n.b., also the site of the drunk dialing.

The return to Gwen's house via cool cab was a rolling concert with the driver cranking up the Eagles/Bob Seger/Fleetwood Mac 70s dream team. Again, Gwen had an impressive showing. Once at the house, the tour commenced and was only interrupted by Gwennie's "airplane evacuation" slide down the full staircase (hence the scraped elbow/butt).

That about sums it up. As an accomplished binger myself, I give mad props to G. for sticking it out until a reasonably late hour, and being a wonderful, if amusing and repetitive ("I'm drunk. I'm obnoxious. I'm drunk. But I'm hot!") hostess.

Stacie said...

if all of my drunk dials could be condensed into one long blog post; my dignity would never return.

H said...

I heart that whole story. I am just sad that I wasn't your partner in crime. Next time.

pamitch5 said...

Ok...let me get this straight. I always thought drunk dialing was being drunk and dialing a phone, I guess I never realized there was "criteria" for it.

Scope said...

Right up there with drunk dialing is drunk emailing / drunk facbooking like I was doing last Friday.

I appologize to anyone who reads this that got my drunken ramblings

words words words said...

I have been partying with the wrong people. No one has ever writhed on the floor like Madonna in my presence!

I agree that the napkin should be framed as a reminder that forgetting things isn't all bad...sometimes we wind up with inexplicable coolness. Although I agree with Scope, I would have thought that the ink would bleed on a paper napkin. Hmmm.

BeckEye said...

Oh, and here I was thinking that a banana bag was something like a banana hammock.

Anonymous said...

Everything was fine until I read the "Madonna" rolling part. I'm embarrassed for you now. Well for that and the pictures that the odd calligraphy guy posted.

mike said...

You should use the calligraphy "Gwen" as a stencil for a tattoo. Or did you already? Maybe you were not as drunk as you should have been.

As far as the Madonna writhing, all I can say is I want to go a'boozin' with you!

Alice said...

Gwen....we have to hang out sometime...we could have so much fun!!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

You're my kind of chick! We need to party together!