Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

On my way to work this morning I was listening to NPR and heard that Egypt was planning to slaughter all of the 300,000 pigs in their country as a preventative measure against swine flu. I honestly didn't believe at the time that their idiotic plan would come to fruition, that someone with a lick of sense would put a swift end to it.

I was wrong.

I just read over my lunch hour that the slaughter has begun. Not surprisingly, Egyptian farmers are pissed and throwing rocks. Those pigs are likely all these men possess, the currency and lifeblood of their existence, and they will do anything to protect them. I predict this situation will get worse before it gets better. Being a humanitarian, I would now like to address the people in charge of Egypt . . .

Um, Egyptian dudes? Listen to me closely . . .

  • There have been NO reported cases of swine flu in your country.
  • Swine flu is not contracted from pigs; it's called that because it started as a porcine virus but it has mutated into a human one. YOU CAN'T GET SWINE FLU FROM PIGS.
  • And, dare I say it, your former King Herod tried this slaughter move a long time ago with baby boys and it didn't work out so well for y'all in the end. Remember Moses? Yeah.
So knock it off. It was stupid and reactionary back then and it's even stoooopider now. You're cutting off your noses killing your pigs to spite your faces.

Don't make me come over there. 

If I have to come over there, it's going to be a whole lot worse for you.

I mean it.

I'm giving you until the count of three.

One . . . .

Two . . . .

Aw, damn it, I'm going to have to get up and come over there, aren't I?

*muttering as I get up from my cushy office chair* Jackasses.

29 comments:

Chemgeek said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... bacon....

Chemgeek said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... bacon....

Chemgeek said...

why the hell did I just double post. Geez, first time on the internet, newbie!!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Sounds like it's time to invest in that sweet Egyptian Sausage Factory stock I've been eying for a while.

TexasLauren77 said...

Go get 'em! Poor pigs.

C.B. Jones said...

*facepalm*

Sass said...

You seriously rock my world, Gwen.

Like, just by existing.

mo.stoneskin said...

Please don't hurt your back fighting Egyptians. Let me go instead. I'll sort them out.

Whiskeymarie said...

Maybe they'll mail me the bacon- I'm willing to take the risk and those poor piggies shouldn't perish in vain.

Oh- I'll take the ham too.

Your blog description up above for today made me giggle. At least we'll all be in hell together...

words...words...words... said...

Saddle up. I'm coming too.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I love it when you get all ranty!

Go get em girl! Bunch of swine, all of em!

Cora said...

Talk about ignorant. That's terrible. You'd think they might consider doing a little research on the matter before doing something this drastic, right? I'm stunned.

Bob Ryan said...

On the positive side, it $2.99 Grand Slams at all Egyptian Denny's locations. Actually, I think the government might have been doing them a favor, I mean, I thought that Muslims didn't eat pork? That's like raising puppies for food in America.

~E said...

Another reason why I'm considering vegetarianism.

Stupid Egyptians. I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.

O.G. said...

Solid argument - If I were an egyptian government official I would be swayed.

Fancy Schmancy said...

You can't fix stupid...

Dr Zibbs said...

First the bad sculpting on the Sphinx now this.

Scope said...

Did you ever thing you would miss the government / media over-hyping of SARS?

If it's like the 1918 flu pandemic, shut your pie hole. I don't want to hear it.

Chaka said...

The world needs more common sense like yours. You'd get my vote as an international enforcer.

Coolred38 said...

Be careful...they will see you coming...Reason sticks out a mile over there and is easily spotted....people run from it.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I thought that EVERYONE knew that it wasn't the PIGS fault. Ignorant people!

Renaissance Woman said...

I am constantly surprised at people's stupidity. Let me know if you need some backup...

Suze said...

I got your back sister. You go over there, kick ass, and let me know via email what I can do to finish up. Thanks....now back to eating little Debbie cakes and watching Days of Our Lives.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, Gwen, if you need some back up, let me know. But, give me ample time to load my smoker into my car. And some tongs. And some barbecue sauce.

Gwen Gwen Banana Fo Fen said...

jenks: I'll bring a case of wetnaps. And brown sugar.

Stuff said...

well wrtitten. good thing I keep kosher...usually.

http://thecorner33.blogspot.com

H said...

*head desk*

Amy said...

Oh, Boutros Boutros Ghali.(translates to "yeah, you tell 'em Gwen")

mike said...

Those poor pigs. And think of all the Ham radios those Egyptians will no longer be able to use to call whoever it is that people with ham radios call. Sad stuff.

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