Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

I use an app called news360 to keep up with what's happening in the world outside a three-mile radius of my house.  The service does a nice job of collecting stories from all sorts of news sources and making them available in one place that I can peruse before I fall asleep each night.  Plus, their headlines are always paired with a picture.  Every lazy body loves pictures!


The thing is, sometimes the picture doesn't exactly fit the story . . .

Halle Berry is neither Madonna nor James Franco.
But if I was invited to both parties, I'd go to Franco's.

And sometimes, the picture adds a layer of ridiculousness to a very serious story . . .


Nothing says crazy dictator better than an extravagant military uniform.
I want this outfit for our next Curtain Skirt party.


As you can see, I recently figured out how to take a screen shot on my iPhone and I've now collected enough of these things that I've got blog material for weeks.  Whee!


Neighbors:  We will pay you X amount of dollars for this property.
Owners:  Please, sir, I want some more.

4/19/2010

Nice ash.

Posted by Gwen |

Photograph of the crate at the summit of the volcano in southern Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull glacier by Jon Gustafson/AP

I bet Google is all kinds of disappointed that it didn't think of "Eyjafjallajokull" as a word verification. Go HERE for more amazing photos. Lava and lightning, monkeys. Lava and lightning.

2/25/2010

What the what?!

Posted by Gwen |

I just read that GM is no longer going to make the Hummer. Well, frig. What the hell am I going to make fun of now? Who the hell am I going to call out as supreme douchebags? Who will replace Hummer drivers as the recipients of my most consistent ire and disgust? Who, I ask you? WHO?

I feel so lost. Hold me.


(EILCC newbies can read about how much I hate Hummers here and here. I'm certain there are more posts of this ilk but I don't have the patience to find them. And really, you get the idea from those two.)

I feel only slightly guilty for stealing this from Real Live Lesbian today (I'm not even sure she knows I exist and read her) but the reality is that she stole it from someone else and it was actually written by someone else entirely. All this is to say that I was moved by the author's words and I want to share them.


By Bob Greene, CNN Contributor
Editor's Note
: CNN Contributor Bob Greene is a bestselling author whose new book is "Late Edition: A Love Story."

(CNN) -- The woman's Halloween costume featured a Third Reich motif.

This was last weekend in a sprawling bar-and-restaurant complex near U.S. 41 on the west coast of Florida. I had made the miscalculation of stopping by in pursuit of a quiet cheeseburger, not realizing that adults in trick-or-treat costumes were making the rounds on this sultry evening.

The woman (or the costume shop from where she had purchased her uniform) at least had the good sense to omit the actual swastikas, but that was the only bit of subtlety. The Heinrich Himmler high-fronted military cap, the boots, the swagger stick she kept slapping against her palm. . .some of the customers, playing along, did little comic goose steps as they passed her.

I looked up from my newspaper and tried to surmise if anyone was going to be offended enough by this odious display to leave. She beat them to it; she and her friends made a few quick passes through the aisles of the place, then returned to the night, ready to continue their revelry elsewhere.

Halloween in the United States is an increasingly odd holiday, no longer child's play, but on this evening I was thinking about another holiday, this one official, that is coming up this week: Veterans Day.

And, having unexpectedly encountered the woman in her getup, I found myself wondering what, six and seven decades ago, they would have made of it: what the 16 million Americans who served in the armed forces during World War II, who were sent across the ocean to defeat a brutal enemy, would have thought about this scene.

They're old men now, the soldiers who remain; many are frail and in ill health. It can be easy for us to forget that, when they were uprooted from their daily lives in the 1940s, no one knew what the history books would eventually say. No one knew the outcome. They were little more than kids, many of them; they were in effect told by our country:

Are you in school? You'll have to leave it. Have a new wife? You'll have to say goodbye to her. Working at a job you like? Tell your boss that you have to quit.

We need you to go halfway across the world, because we need you to save the world.

And they did it. Some 292,000 U.S. soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines were killed in battle during World War II; another 114,000 died from noncombat causes. Some 671,000 U.S. troops were injured, many of them grievously.

The uniforms they put on were not Halloween getups; neither were the uniforms of the enemies they confronted across the oceans. On their way to fight the war, it's a pretty fair guess that they were scared and lonely. They understood that there was no guarantee they would ever be coming home.

Each November we are asked to pause and honor them, which is, or should be, an honor in itself. After the events of the last week at Fort Hood in Texas, with their reminder of the sacrifices that the men and women of the military make for us, Veterans Day will hold special meaning this year.

This November also marks the second anniversary of the death, at age 92, of my friend Paul Tibbets, who I got to know extraordinarily well during the last years of his life. I'd like to say a few words about him here.

At the age of 29, out of all the men and women in the U.S. military, he was selected for a task of almost unfathomable importance. He was told to recruit, organize, supervise and command a group of soldiers and airmen who were to train in absolute secrecy. If he succeeded, he was told, then the war could be won.

Someone had started a terrible fight; he was asked to finish it.

He did. He got his unit ready. And on an August day in 1945, he flew a B-29 he had named for his mother, Enola Gay, to Japan, where he and his crew dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. It was the single most violent act in the history of mankind, and he carried it out without flinching because he believed, in the deepest part of his heart, one thing above all others:

He could end the long war. He could stop the killing. All of the American soldiers who were on their way to the shores of Japan for a land invasion could turn around and go home, could raise families, could live again in a world at peace.

He understood the controversy, and the anger, with which his mission would be received by some. He understood that there were people who would forever hate him. He and I talked about it many times before he died. After the war, he told me, President Harry Truman asked him if people were saying unpleasant things to him because of the bomb. Paul Tibbets told the president that, yes, some people indeed were.

And Truman said:

"You tell them that if they have anything to say, they should call me. I'm the one who sent you."

So it's November again. Veterans Day is upon us.

There is a quotation variously attributed to Winston Churchill or George Orwell. Regardless of our individual politics, regardless of our beliefs about the rightness or wrongness of a particular war, the words are worth reflecting upon anew this week:

"We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm."

And so, to all who have served us, then, now, and in the future, a word of somber thanks, from those of us here at home.

6/23/2009

Hey-O!

Posted by Gwen |

On my way in today I heard the news that Ed McMahon left this morning for the straightman's job in the sky. I can just see him . . . sitting next to God's desk, in a chair that makes him slightly taller than God, and yelling "Hey-O!" every time The Big Man tells a good one.

Mr. McMahon? You were an American icon. You were the world's best sidekick and one hell of a salesman. Even though I'm still pissed about the $0 check, I'll miss ya.

On my way to work this morning I was listening to NPR and heard that Egypt was planning to slaughter all of the 300,000 pigs in their country as a preventative measure against swine flu. I honestly didn't believe at the time that their idiotic plan would come to fruition, that someone with a lick of sense would put a swift end to it.

I was wrong.

I just read over my lunch hour that the slaughter has begun. Not surprisingly, Egyptian farmers are pissed and throwing rocks. Those pigs are likely all these men possess, the currency and lifeblood of their existence, and they will do anything to protect them. I predict this situation will get worse before it gets better. Being a humanitarian, I would now like to address the people in charge of Egypt . . .

Um, Egyptian dudes? Listen to me closely . . .

  • There have been NO reported cases of swine flu in your country.
  • Swine flu is not contracted from pigs; it's called that because it started as a porcine virus but it has mutated into a human one. YOU CAN'T GET SWINE FLU FROM PIGS.
  • And, dare I say it, your former King Herod tried this slaughter move a long time ago with baby boys and it didn't work out so well for y'all in the end. Remember Moses? Yeah.
So knock it off. It was stupid and reactionary back then and it's even stoooopider now. You're cutting off your noses killing your pigs to spite your faces.

Don't make me come over there. 

If I have to come over there, it's going to be a whole lot worse for you.

I mean it.

I'm giving you until the count of three.

One . . . .

Two . . . .

Aw, damn it, I'm going to have to get up and come over there, aren't I?

*muttering as I get up from my cushy office chair* Jackasses.

"A Mississippi woman who was shot in the head not only survived but made herself tea and offered an astonished deputy something to drink, authorities said Friday."


Now that's southern hospitality.  I bet it was even sassafrass tea.

3/02/2009

I'll be damned.

Posted by Gwen |

A kid in California convinced the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors to proclaim the first week of March - this week - to be "No Cussing Week."  Apparently he made a deal with God to never have sex in exchange for his hamster's life and this is his way of ensuring Puddles lives another day.

My favorite part of the article I read is the paragraph that discusses the harassment he's endured at the hands of low-life shitbag pro-cussers (like you and you and you and ME!) but then tells us exactly where this little pussy will be on Wednesday:
When his No Cussing Club meets at South Pasadena High School on Wednesdays [at 2 p.m. in the south gymnasium; the turdlet wears a queer-bait purple coat] it's not unusual for a nonmember to throw open the door and fire off a torrent of four-letter words. He's also been the target of organized harassment by pro-cussers.
[added by classmates]

As soon as I read the article I called Miss Cleo and for only $19.95 she foretold one fucking beat-down after another for "that asshole" -  her term, not mine.  The article goes on to say that he hopes to spread this shit worldwide.  Who wants to lay odds that the first word out of his pretty little mouth the first time he gets hit is, "Fuck!"?






Twitter bashers can suck it.  Janis Krums, of Sarasota, Florida, posted the very first picture of U.S. Airways flight 1549 on Twitter from his iPhone yesterday.  I don't know why but I think that is wicked cool.

1/03/2009

Clarity

Posted by Gwen |

I just noticed this pair of headlines over at google news and wondered how Obama feels knowing that it all went to shit as he left town.

I know I'd be gloating my big ass all over the place, walking all tall and cocky, hooting and hollering about how important I was and will be, but that's why I'm not President and he is.  Well, that and my arrest record.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.

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