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5/27/2009

Do you smell that? Is it bacon?

Posted by Gwen |

On my way to work yesterday morning I received a speeding ticket for going 40 in a 25. I have never denied that I have a terribly heavy lead foot but, in my defense, there is a 200 yard stretch of the road I take to work that suddenly drops to 25. And I was daydreaming. Probably about you, but I digress.

The cop wasn't a total dick about it but he wasn't responding to my Midwestern Friendliness either. The more I think about it, I'd have been less mad about the whole thing if he'd just once acknowledged that he was writing me a $100 ticket exactly one week before my birthday. My 40th birthday. Humorless douchebag.

I announced my misfortune on Facebook as soon as I got to the office and it was later suggested that I'd received the ticket because I failed to show enough cleavage.

Haha! Good one!

See, the first thought I had when the cherries lit up behind me was, "Thank God I haven't done laundry in like three weeks and this top was the only thing clean." Sadly, it didn't help.

On my way home last night I re-enacted the moment by sticking my left arm out the window and taking this from Officer Humorless E. Douchebag's point of view:

(His middle name just has to be Eunich.)

And yes, I took this picture of myself while driving. I also waited to take it until I was traversing that particular stretch of Roaditaketowork Road.

That'll show him.

27 comments:

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Wow, I totally stand corrected. I shall never accuse you of not showing flesh again.

Whiskeymarie said...

I still think that, had you slyly pulled the top down even further before he got to your car that we'd be high-fiving right now because you got out of a speeding ticket.

Well, that or you should have offered to blow him. I hear that works sometimes.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

It's because the cops now are little teenagers right out of cop school and they don't know any better yet. If you would have gotten a old school cop, I'm sure he would have let ya off with an awesome shot like that!


- Jennifer

H said...

you forgot to moan whilst accidently spilling ice cold water down your top and saying "oh my goodness, that felt good but i need to get out of this wet top...can you help me officer power tool?"

not that I would know anything about stuff like that...

SkylersDad said...

You need to carry around a CD that plays bad 70's porn music, just as an additional hint.

Dr Zibbs said...

Should have said, "Do you want to put THAT in HERE?"

And if got pissed and said, "What did you say?"

You could have just denied saying anything.

That's all I got.

Soda and Candy said...

were you leaning back into the seat like that though? because you gotta stick 'em out more.

either that or he was gay and boobs means nothing to him.

also, no amount of boobage in the world will save you if you crash into a tree. just sayin'.

not like i experienced that or anything : P

words...words...words... said...

It's the seatbelt that did you in. It's hiding nipplage.

But I'm not sure there would have been any changing his mind. When you grow up with a name like Humorless E. Douchebag, you pretty much go through life bitter until the day you mercifully die.

Some Guy said...

That's odd. I get pulled over all the time and my man-boobs always get me off the hook.

Nikki said...

You should have poured water in your lap and started crying. He would have thought he made you pee yourself and felt bad. Maybe. If not you would have just walked around looking like you peed yourself for a litte while.

Girl Interrupted said...

He must have been dead from the dangly bits up, is all I can say!

Stacie's Madness said...

roflmao...well...mabye next time you could just whip them out, shake them around and ask if that changes his mind.

I mean, you could do that...

Gwen said...

Stacie: Now THAT is something I hadn't thought about doing. Genius! I could even make up voices for them. I think Lefty will be Irish, while the other will be Russian.

Lefty: "Gettin' yerself an eyeful, are you there, lad?"
Righty: "Nyet! No tickets!"

Scope said...

Really?
In that top?
With the "Walleye" staring right at him?

I'm probably going to get a $100 ticket because I ran through a very late yellow light (okay MAYBE it turned red as I entered the intersection) and the camera flashed, simply because I was in a hurry to get Cora back to my place. (Brown chicken / brown cow). So I know how you feel.

Well, not how you B(.)(.)Bs feel, I meant empathetically on the ticket thing.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Take that picture with you when you go into court and you're golden. Of course, if it's a female judge, let's hope she's a lesbian.

Cora said...

The cop was gay.

Clearly.

Scope said...

Wait, I just noticed, do you have a birthday coming up soon?

Gwen said...

Scope: I do! I do! Spread the good word! I can't wait to see you Saturday!

Fancy Schmancy said...

He was obviously a homophobe hiding the fact that he is gay and making up for it by punishing the most attractive of women anywhere near him!

mike said...

It's unbelievable that you 1. Couldn't get out of a ticket in that outfit, and 2. That girls even have the chance to get out of tickets like that.

It pisses me off as a GUY who, if I got pulled over for doing 40 in a 25, probably would have told the cop to go eff himself and turned a $100 ticket into $500 bail. You suck (but only because you still can get out of tickets...even if this one didn't work out, you KNOW you've still got it.)

Imnotbenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Imnotbenny said...

Hell, I wouldn't have given you a ticket...which leads me to wonder if that works both ways.

Next time I get pulled over, I'm going to pull out the boys a little bit and see what happens.

I predict success.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Welcom to the over 40 club.
Shit just goes all down hill after that.

Sorry to break the bad news to you.
And I'm with Cora.....Clearly.

Coolred38 said...

Just tell him your sorry you were speeding but you husband just called with a serious boner and you need to get home to TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT NOW...cause he dont get them often and your a girl with needs...and you need to get laid RIGHT NOW!!!

Or not...

Scope said...

Upon further review, I believe this is the result of some 25 year old HATER who it totally jealous of your hawtness, casting the EVIL EYE upon you.

Gwen said...

Scope: Are you suggesting I've been cursed or jinxed or otherwise bamboozled? Shite.

Scope said...

I think someone may have tried to put a WHAMMY on you.

Fear not. Help is on the way. Literally.

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