Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

When I first opened my eyes yesterday morning my neck hurt. Assuming I'd simply slept funny, I lifted my head off the pillow and WHAM! Instant pain that felt like some brawny dude had very precisely whacked me at the base of my skull on the left with a big stick. It was swollen and HURT when I touched it. (And no, I did not get drunk and fall down and bang my head and not remember it, but thanks for thinking so highly of me.)

I took a naproxen and moved forward with my life: showering, raking leaves, cutting the grass, doing laundry, brining a pork roast . . . all the stuff normal people do on Sunday, right? But, at the end of the day it hurt much worse. I took another naproxen and iced it but eventually just went to bed, figuring it would resolve itself overnight. Notsomuch.

Today it's bigger, generally more painful and increasingly tender to the touch. AND! There's a huge swollen gland on my neck now and the pain is moving into my shoulder.

I'm pretty sure I'll be dead by dark. I loved you, all of you.

32 comments:

BeckEye said...

GO TO THE DOCTOR.

It could be an abscess, something with which I'm all too familiar. If it's red and warm to the touch, go now. Scat.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Bubonic plague.

Have you been around any flea-ridden rats? Recent trip to Venice, you say?

We'll remember you fondly.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

PS: It's probably just swine flu. Are you having trouble saying "That's all, folks!"?

words...words...words... said...

What Beckeye said.

Soda and Candy said...

Get your ass to the doctor, I know it costs a mint but that shit is serious.

If you do die, can I have your animal-print wellies though?

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Can I have your new table?


P.S. Get to the doc!

- Jennifer

Imnotbenny said...

Sounds like the consensus is you should go to the doctor. Maybe you have cat scratch disease because your cat found out you were mocking him a few days ago and cat-scratched you in your sleep.

Elliott said...

No, if it were that, she'd have a fever and be humming Ted Nugent songs. Gwen, you're not humming Ted Nugent, are you?

And yes, you should probably have that carbuncle checked out.

Eva Gallant said...

For Pete's sake -- get your butt to the doctor!

Elliott said...

And if you were hit in the head by a brawny man, wouldn't he have used paper towels instead of a stick?

Whiskeymarie said...

Though I'm not entirely sure what a goiter is, I'm pretty sure that's what you have.

Well, that or you're growing an alien in there.

Go to the doctor, dammit. You may even get some of the good pills out of it.

Mr. Condescending said...

You'll be fine, but get your butt to a Doctor, or a pharmacist or something. Just DON'T go on webmd.com, you'll find sh*t like aneurysms and stuff!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Did you fuck your neck up recently?

Maybe it's pregnant!

Are you at the doctor's yet?

Mermanda said...

Doctor.

Now, dammit!

Scope said...

If this does kill you, please have an open casket funeral. As I am up saying my good-byes, I am totally going to reach in the casket and feel you up.

In a respectful manner, of course.

SkylersDad said...

(ahem. Clears throat to get that perfect Arnold imitation all set)...

It's not a TOOOOOMMAAAAHHH!

That is all, continue on with your regular mocking now.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I concur, get thee to a doctor and rid thee of thy demon growing on thy neck.

(p.s my kid had a big lump on the side if his neck once without even so much as a fever. Between Friday night and Sunday morning it grew scarily large. The doctor told me if I had waited a couple more days he could have died from from a strep infection - with no other symptoms!)

McGone said...

I can't believe that no one has told you to go to a doctor yet. Fine, I'll be the hero: GWEN, GO TO THE DOCTOR! POST-HASTE!

Seriously though, doctor. Now-ish.

Cowguy said...

It's the clap. I've got Penicillin and a smallish needle. I'll have to put you in a cattle chute probably to give it to you... but I can cure it.

katrocket said...

If there's some kind of diagnostic betting pool, my money is on bonitis.

get well soon, sweetie!

Mr London Street said...

Get help now and get well soon.

I love all the people telling you to 'get your butt to the doctor'. I'm no medical expert but that doesn't sound like where the problem is.

Son of a Thomas said...

Either go to a doctor or I'll come over and play doctor.

Win/win if you ask me.

Some Guy said...

I'll assume by now you've heeded everyone else's advice and gone to the doctor. If not, go!

Suze said...

I'm hoping you went to the doctors and everything is fine. But if not, dibs on your cd collection and cat. Oh yeah, I'll miss you too.

Char said...

Jesus H eating a graham cracker...
go to the doctor!

Cora said...

Well, I was gonna tell you to get your sexy ass to the damn doctor ASAP, but that seems ridiculously redundant now.

So, can I have your new boots if you die?

words...words...words... said...

I didn't want to be crass and ask for anything. But as long as people are already dividing up your shit, I want your house. I think big.

enc said...

I know everybody's already said it, but I hope you:

a) consult a physician

and

b) get well soon.

Son of a Thomas said...

And by doctor I don't mean Zibbsy!

Scope said...

FYI - I have talked to Gwen tonight. She sounded tired, but had been to the doctor.

Chemgeek said...

Gwen, seriously, don't ignore this. I'm glad you saw a doc, now listen to his/her advice. I want you to be well!!! ....but, if anything happens, my wife would look really hot in your boots. I'm just saying.

Get well :)

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