Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

Alright, first things first: I am not dying (yet). I do not have a brain tumor or lymphoma. What I have, according to the experts, is a staph infection. On my head. When I asked how in the holy hell this happens I was told that something as simple as a tiny cut or a wonky hair follicle can cause it. I’ve decided I’m going to tell anyone who asks that I got it from a swirly Whiskeymarie gave me in scary bathroom in March. Implausible? SURE! But certainly more entertaining than an ingrown hair.

While I was all jokey-jokey about it yesterday (What? Me? Using humor as a defense mechanism? Inconceivable!), I was pretty scared when I left for the doctor’s office. Given that the majority of your comments on yesterday’s post were adamant that I get my ass to a doctor, STAT, I think you were, too. (I love you for this, by the way. Special thanks to the anonymous spammer who recommended guaranteed cheap Viagra from India. Very helpful, spammer, very helpful indeed.)

Now, even though I make melodramatic jokes on this blog and within my circle of friends, I do not make stupid-ass jokes when interacting with professional people who don’t know and understand me. This is to say that I did not made jokes at the doctor’s office about brain tumors and aneurysms. So when my doctor took my hand and asked me to look him in the eye during the exam? Well, my terror level immediately elevated to RED! And then, very seriously, he said to me, “Lymphoma isn’t painful; staph is. I’m pretty sure this is staph.”

Have I mentioned before that my primary care doctor is odd? He’s a tiny Pentecostal Japanese man and, as if that weren't an odd enough combination, he is also easily embarrassed. The first time I saw him he did a complete physical which, of course, involved the dreaded backless paper gown. Outside the ob/gyn or proctologist, you are usually instructed to leave your unders on. But I don’t wear unders. During that first exam he repeatedly tried to tuck the paper gown into the top of my non-existent unders. I finally had to explain that there were no unders there for the tucking which made his face immediately turn red. I laughed and told him it was no big deal and didn’t bother me but it was clear that it bothered him. My first clue was his obvious discomfort and the fact that he said it did.

Anyways, after he was done scaring the crap out of me yesterday, he sent me to the lab for more tests. He wants to check my antibodies and rule out mono since I’ve been sick so many times already this fall. Have I told you I HATE needles? I hate needles. And this will make the second time I’ve been in the lab to have blood drawn in like a month. The lab tech remembered me from the last time. She remembered me suggesting the hospital house monkeys in the yard outside the lab's windows so patients would have something funny to look at while they are being stabbed and having their life-blood sucked out of them, one small vial at a time. (Okay, maybe I DO make stupid-ass jokes with professional people who don’t know me. Shut it.)

The bottom line of all this is that I am going to live another day. Thanks so much for your concern and offers of assistance. Son of A Thomas even offered to come over and play doctor. Now that I think about it, there is one particulary troublesome lab test my doctor requested that I haven’t yet completed . . .

SOAT? Still want to come over and help? I'll take care of "production" if you'll handle collection and packaging.

One last thing . . . you’re all a crass bunch of sick mother effers for calling dibs on my stuff and requesting an open casket so you can play grabsies with my corpse. I love you.

28 comments:

words...words...words... said...

And I was so sure it was cooties.

I'm torn between feeling sympathy for your ordeal and feeling ribald because you don't wear underwear. You're a complicated woman, Gwendolyn.

(P.S. I'm glad it wasn't something awful!)

Chemgeek said...

Glad you're on the mend. And I'm glad it wasn't something that they will name after you.

I still think my wife would look hot in your boots though.

SkylersDad said...

What I read in this post:

blah blah blah no unders blah blah blah

What a damn minute! Back up to that no unders statement!

Yet another thing we have in common.

But seriously, I am happy you are OK, and wish you a speedy recovery from staph.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Dibs on your stuff?

Grabsies with your corpse?

No way, lady. Not me. I was going this route!

Well, I guess technically, that is a bit grabsies, isn't it?

Next time this happens, I think we should start a pool. Speaking of, did he say anything about bubonic plague?

BeckEye said...

I KNEW IT!

I just hope it's not MRSA. That shit's a bitch.

Cowguy said...

Holy crap! Glad that your lil' doctor dude is prodding you correctly in all the right places and has the fix.

I had your casket started out in the shop... it'll be a wine rack now.

"rack" heh heh.

Imnotbenny said...

I would get a sample from the cat just to fuck with your doctor. Then when he calls you on it, start licking your arms and purring.

Suze said...

I hope you start to feel better soon. Now I gotta run and cancel the movers scheduled for your house on Thursday.

McGone said...

Gwen, would you PLEASE JUST GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR ALREADY!!!?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN!! I mean, seriously!

Oops, sorry - I read back through yesterday's comments first and just kind of got back into that mass hysteria.

Do you think the Viagra person got confused by what kind of Staph you said you had?

Elliott said...

At least the person offering Viagra also threw some Vicodin in there as well. That might help.

No unders? Call me when it's skirt day.

Elliott said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elliott said...

Sorry, double-post. So I'm impatient. Can't help it.

Nanodance said...

Maybe if you wore underwear you wouldn't get sick all the time. Just an idea.

Nanodance said...

Maybe if you wore underwear you wouldn't get sick all the time. Just an idea.

Son of a Thomas said...

1) I am not afraid of needles expecially using them on other people.

B) I am glad you are well.

3) If we play doctor do I have to be Asian?

4) You get "backless" gowns in St. Louie? All I ever get are the "Frontless" ones.

Cora said...

Ooh! OOH!! I just had to take a mono test too 'cuz of my chronic tonsillitis. Fun stuff, eh?

At first I was pissed - I mean, I'm pretty fucking sure I'm too old for Mono. Hello?

Then I started wondering what if....

And then I started making a list of, ummmm, questions for dear Scope....

And then I started plotting my Mono-themed blog post and FB status update (heh, heh, heh)....

But, nah, it wasn't Mono after all.

Kinda anticlimatic actually.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

Cora said...

PS - I'm glad you're not dead.

Even though I would've looked totally kickass in your boots.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm glad you are not dead, too, cause I'm pretty sure our boots wouldn't fit me anyway!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, and BTW, cover that hoo-ha once in a while, will ya'? that poor obgyn! lol

Scope said...

You still rolling commando because of the musty, stanky drawers "incident"?

Rereading THAT POST made me think that somehow, the circle is now complete.

(Don't go thinkin' I wasn't paying attention.)

Char said...

Cover your bi'ness girl! And, how does it happen that your doctor is both Asian AND penecostal? I am pretty sure there is a law against that.

Glad it wasn't something more serious. Though staff infections are probably no fun either.

Get well soon. xoxo

katrocket said...

I'm a little jealous of your doctor.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I dialed in a little too late to pipe up with medical advice or claiming ownership of any of your stuff - but am very relieved you are OK and like Skydad fascinated to learn you don't wear panties - really? Like ever?

Dr Zibbs said...

You is sick

Soda and Candy said...

Mmm, cheap Indian Viagra...

Just don't wear patent leather shoes when you're rollin' commando. I'm just saying.

LegalMist said...

I'm so glad to hear you're going to live. I was having nightmares about you contracting some dread disease and quitting bloggerland and then there'd be NO MORE EILCC!! and yet another of my favorite bloggers would be GONE, just GONE!!! and I just couldn't even stand the thought!!!! and I was beside myself with despair!!!!! and I didn't think I could go on without you!! and so I thought of just ending it all! But my kids, oh what would they do then?!! ... it just gets worse and worse and worse!!!

...oh, wait. You're going to be ok. Rather anticlimactic, don't you think?

But it's good. All good. I'm fine now, too. Really. Thanks for asking. 'Cause it's all about me, right?

;)

Seriously, I hope you recover quickly and completely. Hang in there.

Nikki said...

I'm glad you are okay. But doesn't Staph make your brain go wonkey? Not that we would notice or anything. Get well!

John Reichert said...

My advice to you is to drink heavily....

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