Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Southern Belle tagged me this morning to post ten honest things about myself.  Considering the amount of sarcasm, hyperbole and tongue-in-cheek humor employed in the making of this blog, stark honesty may give me the hives, but here we go . . .

Sassy-pants Miss Lydia tagged me with a meme yesterday.  Now that we all now know the meme drill I'm going to dive right in.  Also, I'm not tagging anyone because there isn't anyone left to tag. This meme has been everywhere this week.  I swear, if I get mono from you promiscuous monkeys . . . 

The idea for the following piece was stolen from Hellohahanarf. I've said it before and I'll say it again, she's got the best games over there.

Two words: no more, no less.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Coffee table.

2. Your significant other?
Identity unknown.

3. Your hair?
Au naturale.

4. Your mother?
Ill Communication.

5. Your brother?
Oddly transient.

6. Your favorite thing?
New roof.

7. Your dream last night?
Dirty luau.

8. Your favorite drink?
The Gwentini.

9. Your dream?
Livin' large.

10. The room you’re in?
Not padded.

11. Your ex?
In Alabama.

12. Your fear?
Saving enough.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Head
Heels

14. Where were you last night?
On couch.

15. What you’re not?
Tall blond.

16. Muffins?
Tops rule.

17. One of your wish list items?
More books!

18. Where you grew up?
Ubersmalltown, USA

19. The last thing you did?
Answered 18.

20. What are you wearing?
Pink pajamas.

21. Your TV?
Showing Weeds.

22. Your pets?
Fucking cats.

23. Your computer?
Maybe dying.

24. Your life?
All mine.

25. Your mood?
Bone tired.

26. Missing someone?
My grampa.

27. Your car?
Silver Spyder.

28. Something you’re not wearing?
Clown costume.

29. Favorite Store?
Farmers market.

30. Your summer?
The Hamptons.

31. Like someone?
These people.

32. Your favorite color?
Garnet red.

33. Last time you laughed?
Dr. Zibbs.

34. Last time you cried?
Mama Mia!

35. You are with?
The band.

35. Who will re-post?
Lazy bloggers.

In compliance with yesterday's tagging by Schmutzie, here's a list of six ways in which I am quirky:

1. My shower routine never, ever varies. Every day it's the same order: wash hair, rinse hair, wash face, put conditioner in hair, wash body (any necessary shaving having happens here while I am lathered up), rinse conditioner out of hair, get out of shower, dry off, hang towel, clean ears, put on deodorant, brush teeth, lotion face and entire body, put in contacts, dry hair, style hair, astringent face, apply makeup, get dressed, accessorize. On weekend days that I don't plan to leave the house, the routine ends after "put in contacts." My rigidity comforts me.

2. I won boobs in a radio contest in 1998. A station out of Florida runs a contest every year right before Christmas and the prize is a boob job. Well, back then at least - now they give away several pair a year. Anyway, to enter you had to submit a written explanation of why you deserved to win. I wrote a Top Ten list of reasons . . . Tired of being president of the itty bitty titty committee . . . The ever-increasing cost of the Miracle Bra . . . I live in Missouri so when people say, "Nice rack!" I'll know they're talking about my tits and not my truck (think guns) . . . Brains AND boobs? Think of the implications! . . . Less is more, more than a mouthful is a waste, and if you believed this shit, you wouldn't be giving away boobs . . . etc. The list was as crass as it was funny, but I wanted to win. I am still very pleased with my decision.

3. I hate sharing a bed. I love pillow talk and cuddling, but when I am about to drop off into la-la land? I want you to get the hell away from me and don't come back. When I find myself in any situation that requires sharing a bed, it's almost guaranteed that I won't sleep. I can't stand the other person's breathing and noises and touching. I made an awesome wife.

4. I'm so spoiled by Tivo that I won't watch anything that isn't recorded. And if there isn't anything recorded? I will pause a "real-time" show for 15-30 minutes in order to make lee-way for fast-forwarding through the commercials.

5. I hate to sort clean silverware after it has been washed, so I sort it as I load the dishwasher, i.e., all the knives go in one slot, all the forks go in another, all the spoons . . . you get the idea. It's only because I'm lazy and I know I won't unload the dishwasher if I don't.

6. I like for my iced beverages to be chock full of ice cubes.

So that's it. All the things that make me peculiar. Or at least all of them that I am willing to share with you today.

A few days ago the wonderfully talented and beautiful Schmutzie tagged me with my very first meme. She was gentle when she took my meme virginity, and for that I will always love her.

So yeah, I feel like a rock star. But there is so much pressure to be clever and informative. Rock stars puke a lot, right? Yeah, I definitely feel like a rock star.

Here are The Rules Of The Meme:

1. Each Player (Look at me! I'm a player!) makes a list of eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. At the end of their list of eight things, they choose eight other people to tag and list their names.
3. They then leave them a comment on each of the Tagged People's websites advising them of the tagging.
4. The Tagged People then write a post on their own website about their eight things, post these rules, and tag eight others.

Because I don't think there are eight other bloggers out there that would know who I am, I was especially happy to have been tagged by Schmutzie. See, she created a handy Addendum to the Rules that made my life a whole lot easier -

Addendum To The Rules:

The people tagged can ignore the rules, my tagging, tagging others, etc. This is a democracy, dammit!

So Schmutzie says, so shall it be done. I am going to try to come up with four people. See now why I feel like a rock star?

My Eight Things:

1. I have had three different names already and I'm only twenty-eighteen. Name One: when I was born my mother gave me a name. As most mothers do. Name Two: she remarried when I was in 4th grade and he adopted me in the 5th. Name three: I was married once. I currently only have one of my originally given names, Gwendolyn: the one I love best and the one you're allowed to know.



2. I love hip hop music. T-Pain, Akon, Fiddy, Luda. Love it like a 12 year-old girl. I think I just heard my step-dad's head explode. He's a police officer who specializes in gangs and drugs. BTW, this is not an exclusive love affair. I love lots of other genres of music, but they aren't that embarrassing to admit.



3. I recently decided that I am going to lose at least 10 pounds. I understand that this statement isn't so revelatory because really, what woman doesn't say that? But I know that I am more likely to do it if I tell you that I am. That way it's your fault if I fail. You always put too much pressure on me. Sheesh. Anyway, I've already used my new yoga mat and DVD. I forgot how bad yoga can kick your ass if you're not careful and did both 25 minute sessions on Sunday. I guess the revelatory tidbit in number 3 is that I'm not very smart. There you have it.



4. I hate getting up in the morning. I set my alarm for an hour before I actually have to get up because I need that much time to convince myself to do it. I'd like to say the only reason is that my bed is super comfy. It has a Serta pillow top mattress supplemented by two inches of memory foam, no less than 500 thread count sheets, and a down comforter with a micro suede duvet. It is luxurious, but that isn't the whole truth. I just don't like getting up.



5. I once had cocktails with the Queen of a Gay Rodeo. This tidbit is listed in my 100 Things About Me, but the story deserves to be told. My friend Laugh travels A LOT for work as a hazmat trainer and he stays at my place when he's in town. Laugh is married and I love his wife, so drag your asses up out of the gutter right now. Whenever he stops in The Lou, we go out for dinner and drinks. A couple summers ago I took him to Pho Grand, my favorite Vietnamese place in town. It's interesting, but not relevant to the story, to know that this was his first taste of Vietnamese food. He loved it. Back to the Queen . . . after dinner we walked over to Absolutli Goosed, a gay-friendly martini bar. As we're sitting on the patio having a cocktail one of owners comes out to warn us that they were expecting a "bus-load of cowboys from the gay rodeo." I didn't take her literally and I should have. Sure as shit, about a half hour later a school bus pulls up on the side street and it is asses to elbows full of gay cowboys - pun so incredibly intended. As a straight woman, I was thrilled with the scenery - hot guys in tight pants and cowboy gear? Get out. And then? There she was. The Queen. She was beautifully attired in a shiny red ball gown and full-on tranny make-up. As soon as she got off the bus she headed straight for our table - Steve is handsome - and never left. I loved her. She was regal and hilarious.



6. I overuse these words: so, very, really and whore. I also say f*ck a lot, but I don't think "overuse" is a suitable term for my use of it.



7. I am irritated by a lot of things but timidity really gets my goat. Nothing is more frustrating to me than watching someone struggle with apprehension and fear. Just do it already, for Christ's sake, and then it's over. This is not one of my better personality traits.



8. The passenger-side, outside door handle on my car fell off on July 4. It still isn't fixed. Thankfully I don't typically cart around passengers.

My Tagged People:

1. Amy of How To Make Kimchi


2. Miss Zoot


3. -R- of And You Know What Else


4. And finally, someone who has no idea who I am, but I recently found her and love her . . . Whiskey Marie of Never What You Think It Is. I hope she doesn't get creeped out.